Marriage Therapist Reveals The 'Beige Flag' That Immediately Signals Emotional Abuse
When everything is 'your fault' in the relationship.
simonapilollatnf | Canva Most of us don’t think much about gaslighting in relationships or emotional abuse strategies when we start dating someone new. Instead, we enter new partnerships with optimistic hopes for what the relationship can bring.
Abusers frequently find a charming, loving partner, and maybe even doting … at first. Yet all too often, what starts with the promise of life and love can devolve over time into a relationship wracked with hopelessness and despair through the use of gaslighting.
Gaslighting immediately signals emotional abuse.
Gaslighting is defined as "a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a targeted group, making them question their memory, perception, and sanity. It attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying."
Gaslighting in relationships is a strategy where a person attacks the intuition or truth of another, making that person feel crazy. Sometimes, it's conscious and sometimes it's unconscious. The offending party takes the focus from themselves and places it on the other.
So how does a relationship spiral into a pattern of emotional abuse, and how common is it? According to research, nearly half of all women in the United States have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
How does a partner end up feeling like the source of all the problems in a relationship — to the point where they are perpetually walking on eggshells around their partners, too afraid to speak up for their wants and needs?
How does the addict start as the perpetrator and end up so quickly playing the role of victim?
One gaslighting tactic that often results in this type of relationship is DARVO.
Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, began using this term to address power dynamics in relationships where betrayal trauma is present.
DARVO is an acronym — which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Offender, Victim — to describe one typical "reaction perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly criminal offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior," which can lead to a pattern of emotional abuse in relationships.
In situations when one member of the relationship wants to obfuscate the reality of the other to preserve the abuse, we see DARVO showing up in relationships.
They may not even know they’re using this strategy, but it’s a way to keep their partner in the dark about the reality of the behavior the abuser is truly engaged in.
DARVO is a way an abuser gaslights their partner, shifting blame from themselves to the other.
How gaslighting abusers play the victim:
1. They deny the accusation
Typically, this relationship dynamic starts with the partner finding something, intuiting something, or suspecting something. The partner shares their suspicions with the abuser.
Again, these suspicions could be direct evidence (pictures, text messages, online profiles) or intuitions (feeling like something is "off," confused by the addict’s irritability or erratic behavior, stories not lining up).
Either way, the partner brings this up with the abuser, only to be met with a denial, such as, "You’re imagining things,
"What are you talking about?"
The addict could then move into the next phase of this dynamic by stating something like, "I can’t believe you’d even think that!" or "What were you snooping around in my phone for?"
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2. They attack you — their "accuser"
After the denial, the addict will make an attack. This could be subtle like, "I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I love you so much I couldn't even imagine doing what you're accusing me of."
Or, it could be not so subtle like, "What’s wrong with you? You’ve got some serious trust issues. Take a look at yourself for once."
Either way, the blame gets shifted back to the partner.
3. They reverse the situation by playing the victim
The abuser is now starting to shift attention from themselves to their partner. What may have come as a simple question from the partner may get turned into an onslaught from the abuser.
The original question or suspicion becomes clouded now, as the addict moves into the victim role. As the addict shifts focus from themselves to their partner, they now become the victim in this dynamic.
They may express this posture in several ways. They may come across as hurt and wounded, enlisting the partner as a supportive rescuer, withdraw/retreat from the partner out of offense from the question/suspicion/accusation, or become angry/hostile/aggressive in their attack against their partner.
Regardless of how the addict expresses the victim role, the partner shifts from being the confused, hurt, and angry party to the supporter or perpetrator in the dynamic.
4. They make you feel like the offender
The partner now is the "bad guy" and has to justify themselves and their behaviors, apologize for what they said, thought, or did, and console the addict because of the insult or brace for an attack.
As you can see, this dynamic is devastating in relationships. It’s a gaslighting strategy that shifts focus from the addict’s behaviors to those of the partner. It may start very subtly in relationships, but it can ultimately escalate into a destructive power dynamic in relationships.
Gaslighting is often not a conscious strategy on the abuser's part. They are concerned with preserving their relationship with their addiction(s) at all costs and, therefore, they are threatened by their partners coming near the truth. According to Dr. Robin Stern, PhD, and her research, the long-term effects of gaslighting include trauma, anxiety, and depression.
That said, whether this dynamic is intentional or reactive, the impact on the partner and the relationship is extremely deleterious.
If you recognize this pattern in your relationship, just know that truth is the first step towards healing.
Make sure you find safe, supportive professionals around you who can help you understand betrayal trauma and the impact of emotional/psychological abuse on you and your relationship.
If you recognize that you’ve been subjected to this DARVO strategy in your relationship — or even using it yourself against your partner — make sure you get some professional help.
Often, 12-step communities focus solely on sobriety from abusive behaviors, and these patterns of emotional and psychological abuse do not get addressed. For effective healing of yourself and your relationship, you will need to address these patterns.
Healing is possible if the gaslighting addict is willing to make the courageous attempt to change with the help of a safe, supportive guide. Recognition of the problem is the first step towards healing.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Dan Drake is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and the Founder and Clinical Director of Banyan Therapy Group.