Are You Asexual? 15 Signs You Might Be Somewhere On The Asexuality Spectrum
How to tell if someone is asexual.
Simikov / Shutterstock I remember the first time I met an asexual person. His name, for the purpose of this article, we’ll say is Fred. Fred was a very attractive man. He was tall, lean, blonde, with blue eyes and cheekbones a model would kill for.
And despite all the attraction both men and women felt for him, he never really seemed that interested in sex.
After seeing him reject an absolutely breathtaking brunette at a club, I decided to ask him what gives. He laughed and said, “I’m asexual. She looked great, but I just don’t see people that way!”
At first, I didn’t believe him. Asexual? Is that a thing? What does asexual mean?
How do you tell if someone is asexual? Am I asexual?
He assured me it is a real thing, and when I did some research, I found out that there are different types of sexuality, and around 1 percent of the world identifies as asexual (which is when they have a lack of or no sexual desire or attraction to others).
How do I know if I am asexual?
The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network defines the sexual orientation term as "A person that does not experience sexual attraction — they are not drawn to people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way."
There's actually an asexuality spectrum. Some people can only feel sexual attraction when they know the person very well (demisexual). Others are totally disinterested and don't feel it or even find it to be gross. You can also be aromantic, meaning you have no interest in romantic relationships.
What does being asexual feel like?
Being asexual isn’t easy, I’d imagine. It’s such a rare form of sexuality, people don’t believe it exists.
Asexual people often feel like they were “born wrong,” or that they just don’t belong because of their lack of sex drive. Many young people don’t even realize that they are asexual.
Am I asexual? If these things ring true, you might just be.
1. You've never really had a crush.
When you were in high school or middle school, every girl around you was talking about the guy who gave them butterflies in your stomach.
For you? Well, it never was that way. You didn’t really get crushes, just really awkward moments where you wondered what all the hubbub was about.
2. Sex really just doesn’t appeal to you in most cases.
You really don’t understand why everyone is so frisky all the time.
Maybe once in a very blue moon you’ll get aroused, but it’s just not your thing. In fact, you really don’t understand why celibacy is supposed to be so hard.
3. The idea of a romantic relationship without sex sounds like a dream come true.
Most asexuals do want a relationship that’s filled with romance and don't want to engage in sexual activities. It’s just that they do not know how to find one since most sexually active people will see a sexless relationship as a dealbreaker.
If this sounds like you, you might be asexual.
4. When you see an attractive person, you’re more curious about their personality than anything else.
When you have a sexual orientation that involves sexual attraction, you tend to think about their looks or how they would be in bed. You start thinking of dating and making out with them.
When you’re asexual, you’re more concerned about whether they are funny or if they watch the same shows as you.
5. While others talk about how badly they want to have a partner, you’re more interested in your hobbies.
You might be asexual if the idea of talking about dating is boring. It’s just not that interesting for you. Why talk sex when you could be talking about League of Legends or last night’s episode of "Family Guy"?
6. Actually, the idea of dating anyone is just weird.
Though there are asexual who love a little romance, many asexual just don’t get romance at all.
My asexual buddy explained that he gets the same weirdness trying to date another person that most people would get from trying to date a relative. Gross, right?
7. You might be a bit averse to sex, but it’s not trauma-related.
Asexuality is not a trauma-related symptom. It’s just a sexual orientation defined by a lack of sexual attraction. Sometimes, asexuals are grossed out by sex, but not always. Many are just ambivalent to it.
8. You definitely understand that people are attractive, but you don’t see the need to have sex with them.
Contrary to popular belief, most asexual people can totally see when someone is hot. They can tell hot versus not, much in the way that gay men can see that a woman is pretty. However, they just don’t get a drive to sleep with people.
9. Sometimes, you occasionally get sexual attraction, but it’s exceedingly rare and often fleeting.
Asexuality is a spectrum. So, if you have an extremely low libido that only comes around once every several years, you might be asexual. Or, at the very least, you may be demisexual.
10. You masturbate frequently, but you have little to no attraction to anyone.
Believe it or not, many asexuals enjoy masturbation but don’t really have an interest in fantasizing about others sexually. This is considered to be a form of asexuality called autochorisexuality. Many asexuals do it just because it feels good.
11. Occasionally, you do have crushes but without sexual attraction.
Since asexuality is a spectrum, some people who identify as asexual do have crushes. They dream of romancing their crushes or want to hold hands.
However, when it comes to sexual stuff? There’s little to no arousal. It’s all romance!
12. The only time you experience sexual attraction to someone is when you have an extremely strong emotional bond with them.
This is a form of asexuality known as demisexuality, and it’s actually a bit more common than most. Many demisexuals that veer on the side of full asexuality would be totally fine if they never had sex again, but are willing to if they are with the right person.
13. Sex is not a motivator for you.
Most people will go to the very ends of the earth for sex with the right person. You? You’re just not into it. At all. So, it’s not going to work for you as a motivator.
14. Relationships are not your thing, really.
Though some asexual individuals absolutely adore cuddling up with someone and having a romantic relationship, not all do. Some are just totally ambivalent or uninterested in the dating scene altogether.
15. Sex is always boring or 'forced' for you.
Most asexuals don’t really find sex to be fun. Many, prior to realizing they’re asexual, will try a lot of kinks to try to make sex feel as amazing as advertised, only to find nothing works. They just don't enjoy sex.
If this sounds like you, you’re probably asexual.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey. She writes primarily about lifestyle, food, finance, and relationships. You can follow her on Twitter.