15 Men Reveal The Painful Reasons They Regret Marrying Their Wives
Marriage is full of ups and downs, but for some men, their priorities aren't being met.
YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV | Shutterstock Whether a couple has been married for a few weeks, a few years, or even a few decades, they may have regrets about the person they wed. Perhaps they've dreamed of a perfect marriage since they were younger, only to later realize that marrying someone is no guarantee of a happy, healthy relationship.
Unfortunately, according to a survey of 1,800 people, 72% of men claimed they regretted getting married, compared to 54% of women. But when men disclose the painful reasons they regret marrying their wives, as several men revealed, their reasoning isn't so black and white.
According to 15 men, here are the painful reasons they regret marrying their wives
1. The love was never mutual
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"She never loved me. She married me because she thought it would force her to develop feelings."
Sadly, sometimes people enter into a relationship or marriage without the basis of mutual respect and adoration. For this man, his wife likely convinced herself that a marriage would change the way she feels; however, that's simply not how relationships work.
While it's entirely possible to fall in love with someone over time — research published by the American Psychological Association found that it can take several months for both men and women to express their love — there's no guarantee that entering into a relationship without some sort of attraction will lead to real feelings.
2. We had drastically different ideas about what family means
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"My wife lied to me about her family plans. Partially about having kids, mostly about building our own family. Her definition of 'our family' puts her mother at the head of the table. Mine does not."
Before getting married, it's essential for couples to discuss the type of family they want to have. Do they envision kids in their future? Do they prefer to not have children and instead focus on building their careers? How involved do they want their parents or in-laws in their personal lives?
Unfortunately, many couples don't feel it necessary to have important conversations like these before marriage. As a result, the issue remains boiling just under the surface, and can eventually lead to a heated argument about where things stand.
According to Georgia Witkin PhD, Director of Psychological Services for RMA of New York, it's important for couples to have this conversation sooner rather than later. She recommends finding a time to talk about it, deal with differences of opinion, and seeking professional help if they don't have the same "family-building path."
3. She changed the minute she became a wife
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"Her personality changed dramatically from the person I was dating. Stereotypical changes when we got married — way less intimacy and more entitlement. Another huge change about eight years into the marriage with a 3-year-old kid together. I never would have dated the person she became at that point."
While it's normal to hide certain parts of yourself when you first begin a relationship, the longevity of a partnership is related to authenticity. If you can't be your true self around your partner, you aren't being truthful with them, and honesty is a cornerstone of a healthy marriage.
People will certainly change in a marriage; strong couples grow and evolve constantly together, after all. But to completely become a different person once married isn't normal. And it may just be the thing that drives couples apart, no matter how long they've been together.
4. She became needy and depressed
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"My wife's dad became terminally ill around the time we got married and she never recovered after his death, despite my best efforts to get her into therapy. She does basically nothing except watch Netflix, and I do about 80% of the housework. We have nothing in common anymore. I feel like I'm living with a lazy, extremely needy roommate. We're living two completely separate lives."
According to a study in Behavioral Sciences, "Although there are clinical differences between depression and prolonged grief as disorders, the death of a loved one could trigger not only grief, but also symptoms of depression." For men who find themselves in a situation where their partner is depressed, it can feel overwhelming and like there's nowhere to turn.
Psychologist Michael W. Regier, PhD provided ways couples can prevent depression from ruining their marriage. He advised couples to familiarize themselves with what causes depression, seeking out therapy, supporting instead of judging their partner, being compassionate, understanding one another, validating each other's feelings, and enjoying the good days together.
"Learning how to deal with depression in marriage so it doesn't tear you apart is going to take the two of you. It's challenging, but it's doable. A strong emotional connection is the foundation you'll need to build upon. And with that in place and the right help, you can and will learn to navigate these waters," Regier concluded.
5. She wasn't 'the one'
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"I regret that I married the wrong woman, that I was immature and naive and too eager to find a woman versus waiting to find the right woman."
The U.S. Census Bureau reported that about 43% of marriages end in divorce, with the most common reasons being infidelity, lack of commitment, and money problems. When couples get married, though they are in love at that time, a lot can change over the years, making there no guarantee that a marriage will stand the test of time.
According to communication coach May Pang, "Some of the most important criteria that predict the success of a marriage — commitment, the consistency and way with which they respond to your bids for attention, and the compatibility of your financial mindsets — are impossible to search for."
"Perhaps this is the most encouraging thought about finding a life partner: You’re never in control of who you find but you are always in control of who you are," Pang adds. "If you want to not marry the wrong person, stop focusing on 'finding' the right partner and instead, start 'being' the right partner."
6. Nothing made her happy
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"She thought buying a house with me would make her happy. It didn't. I sold it alone and at a $10,000 loss."
Buying a home together is a thing couples often dream of accomplishing. Unfortunately, with the dissolution of a marriage, the loss of the home can feel devastating. But does that mean blame should be placed on a specific partner?
Writer and advocate Michelle Horton suggests that one partner may be making themselves unhappy, specifically wives. She listed having unrealistic expectations, keeping score, neglecting self-care, and not talking about difficult topics as reasons a wife may be making herself unhappy.
With that in mind, some husbands may find themselves at their wit's end. Perhaps they have tried everything to fix the marriage, only to be met with apprehension.
But Horton proposes that "Making small changes to our habitual behaviors and mind patterns does affect our overall happiness... taking ownership of our happiness and making small steps toward being healthier is truly the best thing we can do for our marriage."
7. She had substance dependency issues
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"If you aren't dependent on substances, it's hard to pick up on the tell-tale signs. My friends knew, my associates knew, her family knew, everybody knew but me. Yes, every sign was there. I just fell for all the lies."
The U.S. Census Bureau report also indicated substance dependency as another cause of divorce. When a spouse is suffering from dependency issues, the other partner may feel helpless as to how they can get their spouse help, along with finding a way to heal themselves.
John F. Kelly PhD, ABPP, Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, provided tips on how partners can take care of their spouse with dependency problems, as well as their own self-care. He advised couples to set boundaries, educate themselves, practice self-care, getting the input of professionals, being patient and staying safe.
8. We were too young
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"The first time, I was too young (23), got into it way too fast, and didn't pump the brakes when I knew it was headed off the rails. What I'd have told my younger self is that at 23 you are just a baby, and you have so much more life to live and to find someone you're truly compatible with."
While there are many challenges of marrying young, some couples work through the issues and come out the other side stronger. Getting married young means there's a chance that couples will grow apart, stress out about finances, and just not have the wisdom that comes from lived experiences.
Around 60% of couples between the ages of 25 and 39 get divorced, and have the highest divorce among age groups. For men who regret marrying their wives, the blame doesn't fall on either partner; rather, they were simply too young to maintain a healthy relationship.
9. Marriage meant saying goodbye to free time
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"I'm married. But my only gripe is that I like my 'free time' and not running around all the time."
With long work hours, taking care of household chores, and making sure the kids are taken care of, it can feel difficult to find some down time to enjoy hobbies or rest. Not to mention that quality time together, away from responsibilities, often isn't prioritized in a marriage.
Unfortunately, many husbands and wives believe that once you're married, the relationship doesn't require any hard work, but that's simply not the case. As some say, falling in love is easy, but staying in love is a choice. Couples need to work hard to keep their relationship healthy, but they can still make time for alone time by themselves. It just involves a little more open communication.
10. We only got married because she gave me an ultimatum
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"I gave into her ultimatum. She just wanted to get married. Generally. Didn't necessarily have to be me."
Getting married because of an ultimatum is a painful reason some men have for marrying their wives. But when a partner is offering an ultimatum, it's because they have reached their bottom line, according to clinical social worker Robert Taibbi.
"We all have our bottom lines and are capable of reaching some tipping point," he says. "Though the topic and situation may vary, the emotional strain and the need for some final decisive action are the same. But taking that nuclear option and issuing that ultimatum can be overwhelming; it is your one shot to get your message to finally stick."
Though some may argue that giving an ultimatum isn't a healthy way to begin a marriage, Taibbi suggests that there are ways to make an ultimatum effective. He recommends that someone giving an ultimatum have a concrete plan, give their partner a heads-up, and consider legitimate concerns during discussion.
11. She used me
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"She drained me financially then cheated on me. Then when we tried to work it out 'for the kid,' she just wanted to convince me to pay for several of her bills with the idea that we'd be living together again."
Unfortunately, it's common knowledge that many marriages will end in divorce and heartbreak, and for men, the painful reasons they regret marrying their wives is no exception. When one or both partners feel used, it indicates that there's a lack of appreciation and recognition.
While one partner may not actually be using their spouse, their feelings are still valid. Still, they may want to look for signs they are being used in order to decide if their relationship is worth saving. These indicators include things like a partner not caring about their spouse's emotions, not expressing love or affection, and mood fluctuations.
12. Other women were my priority
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"Mistress management proved to be much more challenging than I anticipated."
As the U.S. Census Bureau reported, infidelity is one of the common reasons people get divorced. For some men who have affairs outside of their marriage, they do so for a variety of reasons that usually have nothing to do with their wives.
Family therapist Marilyn Wedge PhD explained the various reasons men may cheat on their wives, and they don't always have anything to do with intimacy. Wedge argues that men can become isolated in their marriage and feel emotionally alone, and end up seeking out someone else to fill that emotional void.
Wedge offered advice to both husbands and wives, saying, "The takeaway for wives is to be aware if you are so caught up with your children or career that you have stopped paying attention to your husband's needs for affection and praise. Make time for your husband by planning frequent date nights when the two of you can be alone. The takeaway for men is if you are feeling neglected or isolated in your marriage, communicate these feelings to your wife before you turn to another woman."
13. We never recovered from my mistakes
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"I don't regret the marriage, I regret not ending it sooner. We separated because I acted like an idiot. I got myself together and we got back together to try and raise our daughter. It was clear right away she didn't really forgive me and wasn't really trying to forgive me. It seemed more like she was getting her revenge or something."
Mistakes are bound to happen in relationships; it's just a normal part of life. When mistakes occur, couples can choose to move past them and grow for them, or let them lead to divorce. Unfortunately, for some men, their mistakes cost them their marriage.
According to relationship coach Valerie Green, there are very specific mistakes that can end marriages: not addressing conflicts, blaming each other for problems, and trying to win arguments. Green adds that not everything is hopeless, recommending that couples share their feelings openly, appreciate one another for everything good, and find ways to connect every day.
14. I didn't know myself
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"Don't regret it. But I wish I waited until I was at least 30 to get married so I would have had time to discover more about what I like and who I am."
Multiple studies and vast research have found that people are more likely to get divorced if they wed before a certain age. One study from the Institute for Family Studies determined that couples who marry at age 20 are 50% more likely to divorce than couples who get married at 25. The study found that 28 is the ideal age to get married.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Shawntres Parks shed some light on why 28 is the ideal age, saying, "Up until around age 25, the human brain is still developing — specifically the part of the brain that is necessary for making informed decisions about the potential consequences of life choices like marriage (also known as the prefrontal cortex). Folks who wait until after 25 will have higher success rates in avoiding divorce than couples under 25."
15. Some men just cannot be tied down
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"The very, very short version is because it ended in divorce. But there are more complex reasons, most of them circling around the lifelong tug-of-war between my need for independence and my need for belonging. They're mutually exclusive, so something's gotta give."
Some men tend to regret marrying their wives simply because they weren't yet ready. Maybe they failed to understand that marriage is about compromise and weren't willing to sacrifice some of their own needs to make it work. Or, maybe they are just afraid.
Psychologist Diana Kirschner PhD suggests that some men have a fear of being controlled, saying, "No matter how much love he feels, this is a man who is terrified of jumping fully into a long-term relationship. Bottom line: he believes he can't be himself and fully be with a woman. In his view, he has to give up the lead role in his own life if he is stuck in a supporting role... For this man, commitment, love, and marriage mean being trapped in a cage from which there is no escape."
Unfortunately, for men who are unable to commit fully, their marriages simply won't last.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is an editor and freelance writer. Her bylines have appeared in Fatherly, Gizmodo, Yahoo Life, Jezebel, Apartment Therapy, Bustle, Cosmopolitan, SheKnows, and many others.