Your Answers To These 8 Tiny Questions May Explain Why You're Still Single
If you're sick of being single, it's time to do some reflection.
Verelly / Shutterstock Why am I still single? Why can't I find my soulmate? Are all of the good guys already taken? Or worse... Is something wrong with me?! You are not alone if you feel like you have tried everything to find your special person and nothing seems to be working. The truth is, there is no magic with this topic. You've just been asking yourself the wrong questions.
For example, if you’re focusing on the negatives — like not having a boyfriend even though you want one — you need to focus on what is good about yourself and make that light shine by projecting those good qualities instead. You can find your soulmate, but first, you need to do some inner work and answer some questions about who you are and what is preventing you from attracting your soulmate. Believe in yourself. Nothing is wrong with you! And there are good guys still available who want relationships, too!
Find the answers to the questions you have been afraid to ask, or didn't know to ask, and you will be surprised how much you learn about who you are and what you want in a relationship. Once you know these things, then you can begin to identify what has been in your way of finding true love.
Your answers to these 8 questions may explain why you're still single:
1. Am I truly happy?
Joy is an internal process. You need to find things that make you happy and do them often. People are drawn to genuinely happy people. How we feel inside usually shows on the outside. When you are genuinely happy you reflect this joy to others like a beacon of light which helps to attract quality men and relationships.
2. Do I really feel good about who I am and confident in my own skin?
People tend to attract similar degrees of self-esteem in others. If you have low self-esteem, you tend to attract others with low self-esteem. Conversely, if you wish to attract someone with high self-esteem you need that quality in yourself. Here is a trick I use with my clients: Be who you are with your besties who see your flaws and don't care because the good is so good. That is the true you that needs to be shown like a cute outfit. Not only will it help you feel more confident in dating situations since you won’t be “faking it,” but you’ll also attract someone with healthy self-esteem like yours.
3. Do I feel I have something good enough to offer a man?
You need to identify what you most like about yourself. You don't need to attract the whole world. The right person is going see the gold in you but only if you allow him to see it — and if you believe it yourself. If you don't like anything about yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?
4. Am I afraid I won't find the right person and I’ll be alone?
This is a very common fear. The more you like who you are and recognize what you want in a special person, you dramatically increase the odds of attracting the right mate. But you need to be doing the things you already enjoy doing in order to be seen by the right man. Maybe that person is there doing those things as well!
5. Am I afraid I will make a mistake and be divorced like my parents?
Your parents may not have married the right person. To increase the odds of marrying someone who's truly right for you, do these things:
- Know and value who you are and what you want in a mate. If you know what you want, you are more likely to recognize the right person.
- Avoid any agenda such as needing to be married by a certain age. Marry because you want to be with this particular person for the rest of your life.
- Keep your eyes open to really see what you are experiencing in the relationship over time. Anyone can put their best foot forward for a short time.
- Give the relationship at least six months before you commit to long-term. One year is even better. Your potential mate would have to be a really skilled sociopath to hide his true self from you for that long — assuming that you have kept your eyes open!
Divorce happens when you either keep your eyes closed on anything that is unhealthy in the relationship or you choose to do nothing to improve the relationship. This is what your parents likely did. Relationships are like a garden. If you don’t water the garden, you get weeds. Choose someone who is willing to work on improving the relationship throughout the marriage and you won’t make the mistake your parents did.
6. What if I meet someone better one day?
You know the saying, “The grass is always greener on the other side.” If you’ve got a good pasture, stick with it. Don’t fear missing out on a better guy if you are with a great guy already. In reality, you will always notice qualities in someone else that you admire.
But the person you may admire from afar has imperfect qualities as well, even if you can’t see them. Is this other person actually better, or just different? You can't take part of a person. You must accept the whole package. If you’ve done your homework and have identified those qualities you most need in a relationship then your guy is the one for you!
7. Am I worried I’ll lose my freedom?
A healthy relationship is about both people. Talk about each other's needs and then find a compromise. You can't lose your freedom unless you give it away — and by knowing your self-worth you won’t let yourself settle for anything less than that. We all like to feel we can lean on our partner at times. However, question yourself if you increasingly rely on him to do the things you were doing as a single person. Your degree of dependence is in your control.
8. Am I afraid of how much I’ll have to compromise?
Identify “must-haves” and negotiate. Make sure you speak up for what is important to you. All relationships include some degree of compromise but it must be from both partners. Make sure you are not blocking yourself because you don’t want to compromise. The more you know yourself and what makes you happy, the easier it will be to identify what you want in a mate.
You are more likely to attract a healthy man if you feel good about yourself. If you believe in yourself you will automatically project that beacon of light that will eventually attract that special love to you. Remember, now you know what questions to ask yourself along with the right answers! You can have a loving, fun, intimate relationship with the right partner. You just need to be your true self and shine that light!
Susan Saint-Welch, LMFT is a marriage and family psychotherapist who has been practicing in-person and online for over 20 years. She helps radiant, single men and women get unstuck and find the lasting love they deserve.