The Do's And Don'ts Of Approaching Your Man's Mistress
It's time to go to her, woman-to-woman.
getty We’re getting a little personal today. About three years ago, I found myself as someone’s wife compelled to address another woman about her relationship with my now-ex cheating husband.
I had my suspicions about the relationship for about six months before ever taking any action, but I wanted black and white evidence of the relationship before I did anything hasty (in case you’re wondering how I played “happy wife, happy life” for half a year). I didn’t want him or the mistress to change their behaviors based on my suspicion. You lose your upper hand when they find out you know and I didn’t want anything to stand in my way before leaving the relationship confidently with no regrets.
This was a defining moment for me as a woman, not just in that relationship. I sincerely believe that my approach had everything to do with why I so gracefully exited this man’s life. No tears, it wasn’t hard. It was the most peaceful thing I’ve ever done in my life.
Coming to any woman about infidelity, whether you’re the woman in that man’s life or “the other woman” is a game of strategy. This is not to put this man in a corner, provide ultimatums, or cause embarrassment. I’m not sure what it is about us as women, that we so quickly jump at each other’s throats for the affection of men we love. Ask yourself, “who put me in this situation?” You’re probably blinded by love if you take this moment and still find a way to blame her.
Personally, I believe if you’re coming to someone “as a woman”, this should be the last straw — you need to be prepared to leave. This tactic is a waste of time for any other end game. So whether you are a wife, girlfriend, or mistress, take heed of my advice. I only come to offer peace of mind and self-empowerment.
“Do” #1: Be honest.
All loyalties aside, BE HONEST. That doesn’t mean you have to go into the toe-curling passionate details of your romance with this shared man, but denying the relationship is wrong. Always shift the responsibility of the actual details to the man. At this point, the jig is up. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.
Sidebar: Some women feel a bond from knowing they share the same pain. Y’all are not friends. While being honest, there is no need to compare notes. Y’all are not in a relationship with each other. You ladies are in one with him. Talking to each other should only be a means of confirmation, not comparison or “he said, she said”. Get the ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ hang up the phone, and handle your business accordingly.
“Do” #2: Stay calm.
If the conversation is amicable, maintain that energy. There is no need to get riled up in your emotions. If you’re the approaching woman, TAKE A BREATH. You’re not going to get any information you need yelling, acting crazy, and calling names. If you’re on the receiving end, don’t get all defensive. Be understanding. Whether you did or you didn’t know, talk like the adults you are. The moment anyone loses their bearing, everyone has wasted their time.
“Don’t” #1: Don't approach the mistress if you're not ready to leave.
This is the most important rule when coming to another woman about her or your man’s infidelities: do not approach another woman if you’re not prepared to leave.
Personally, any woman-to-woman conversation I have is to seal the deal on a relationship I am currently involved in. I just want the evidence. Tell me what he did so I can get closure and BOUNCE. Too many of us misuse this strategic move. This move is not to make your man sweat, as a lot of you like to use it for — ’cause trust me, he isn’t sweating a bit. It is to end the game. FINISH HIM!
The moment you acknowledge that you know about the other woman and stay, you have given him all the power, and he will do it again. If you’re not prepared to leave, let that man cheat in peace until you are. It’s not about him cheating; it’s about your peace of mind. You’ll feel better for it when you only have to go through this situation once, and NEVER turn back.
If you’re “the other woman” making this approach, the same goes for you. If you have the gall to expose your involvement in a man’s infidelities then you have prepared to remove yourself as well. Do not come to her as a woman thinking he’s going to come to you if she leaves him because:
- If he wanted to be with you, he could have, but he didn’t.
- You don’t want a man who is using you as a safety net.
This situation doesn’t define you. Everyone has their reasons when put in situations like this, but you’re worth more than being someone’s option. Just remember ladies, this isn’t checkers… it’s chess.
“Don’t” #2: Don't come with an entourage.
Don’t ever, and I do mean NEVER, come to another woman “as a woman” with your friends. Keep that mess in the group chat, girl. This is more of a suggestion for your image because:
- You look weak approaching this girl with a pack of irrelevant (insert plural terms of endearment).
- This is between you and her. This concept is for clarity and closure — not to make a scene — so save the witty phrases you prepared to embarrass her with, for never. She owes you nothing, so why are you gonna attack her?
“Don’t” #3: Remember the mistress doesn't owe you anything.
As I just said, this other woman owes you nothing. There are an array of possibilities here. She could not know you exist. He could be feeding her lies about the part you play in his life. Or honestly, she could just love him too damn much to care. So the third “don’t” is: don’t forget this woman owes you nothing, but he does.
This goes for either side. Plain and simple, she didn’t hurt you. No matter what tough exterior a lot of women present when they're put in this position, I guarantee you she’s just as hurt as you are — but that won’t matter to either one of you at that very moment. This is when you have to step back and take the blame off each other.
No matter the circumstance, you should not have been put in the situation to feel the need to approach another woman. The girl on the other end of the line doesn’t have a responsibility to be faithful and loyal to you.
Woman-to-woman, I’ll tell you again, it’s time to leave if you even feel the need to put yourself in this situation. This approach is ALWAYS for “clarity then closure,” never for show.
Isis is a fresh, free-spirited freelancer who’s crazy about writing. When she's not being a mom (yeah, right) she likes to drink cocktails or wine, cook a good ole southern meal, or host game nights. Connect with her on Instagram or check out her website.