Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You To 'Supercharge Your Detox' With A Coffee Enema — Doctors Aren't So Sure
Should matters of your colon be taken into your own hands?
weheartit Sometimes it genuinely feels as though Gwyneth Paltrow knows how much I love her and goes out of her way to make my resolute defense of her require efforts that are near Herculean in scope.
In this case, unfortunately, I find myself doing something more along the lines of bemoaning it. Gird your loins folks, because the latest medical hogwash coming from Gwynnie's luxury lifestyle website GOOP is more unsupportable than anything that's come before.
I am, of course, talking about the latest GOOP trend to hit the news — i.e., the coffee enema.
If you read what GOOP has to say about giving yourself a rousing dose of coffee in the form of a caffeinated colonic, you could be led to believe that partaking in a coffee enema is a magical cure-all.
Got depression? Coffee enema can help with that.
Cancer? Forget chemo. What you need is some java in your digestive system.
Worried you aren't flushing enough toxic metals out of your behind? Surprise, surprise, a coffee enema will handle it.
It's enough to make a person think, "If coffee up the rear is such a powerful cure-all, why have we all been wasting so much of our time drinking it?"
The truth of the matter is that coffee does have several health benefits. Research supports the idea that coffee can help you burn fat, improve your energy level and brain function, reduce your risk of strokes, depression, liver disease, type II diabetes, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and some types of cancer.
While coffee itself contains essential nutrients that are certainly good for you, no research exists to support the notion that these benefits increase when you give yourself a coffee enema in place of your morning cup of Joe. None.
In fact, you're more likely to find doctors urgently recommending that people NOT use coffee enemas than you are to find doctors willing to sing their praise.
One team of physicians went so far as to pen an open letter in The Journal of Family Practice in which they decry the notion.
"Even though colon cleansing is touted as a commonly used form of holistic, complementary and alternative medicine, the Natural Standard Professional Database concluded [that] there is 'limited clinical evidence validating colon therapy as a health promotion practice' and noted a 'lack of sufficient evidence' for most of its prescribed uses... Most reports in the literature note a variety of adverse effects of colon cleansing that range from mild (eg, cramping, abdominal pain, fullness, bloating, nausea, vomiting, perianal irritation, and soreness) to severe (eg, electrolyte imbalance and renal failure)... Case reports also have noted back and pelvic abscesses after colonic hydrotherapy, fatal aeroportia (gas accumulation in the mesenteric veins) with air emboli, rectal perforations, perineal gangrene, acute water intoxication, coffee enema-associated colitis and septicemia, and deaths due to amebiasis."
The company that manufactures the "Implant O'Rama System At-Home Coffee Enema" kit praised on GOOP follows their claims about their product with the statement, "NO CLAIMS ARE MADE ABOUT THIS PRODUCT or anything we sell on this website."
So...
At home enemas can be dangerous as it is. Add coffee to the mix and you're no longer merely looking at potential risks such as rectal tearing, but you could also earn yourself a serious blood infection, and that noise can be fatal!
Now come on and tell me true. Do you really want someone to have to call your grandmother and tell her that you just died from propelling a latte up your rectum?
No. The answer is no. No, you do not.
By and large, the human body is pretty efficient at removing any toxins from its system that are in need of removal.
We have entire systems of muscles, organs and the like dedicated to doing just that. I am all in favor of treating your body like a temple (we only get one after all), but to that end, would you walk into a temple, head straight to the back door and simply start pouring coffee all over the place as a way of cleaning it up?
No, you would not, because that would be insane. And only slightly less insane than giving yourself a coffee enema while genuinely believing that an army of doctors and scientists have it wrong, whereas the star of a little film called Shallow Hal is the health expert whose sage medical advice you should actually listen to.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.