Star Wars Characters Who Make Great Boyfriends, Ranked From Best To Worst
I regret nothing!
weheartit This past weekend I went to see The Last Jedi, and I absolutely adored it. I loved the tapestry it wove. I love that there was a world so rich with new and returning characters, so many of whom I already care about deeply, while at the same time, I enjoyed the break from nostalgia and the introduction to so much that was new.
Like many other people, I grew up loving all things Star Wars.
And perhaps unlike many other people, while watching each of the movies I spent most of my time wondering which male character within the franchise I would prefer to marry. At various points, it typically came down to either any of the ewoks or Han Solo (in case you were interested).
Clearly, not much has changed, because as I watched the latest movie unfold, I was delighted with the wide variety of potential boyfriends/husbands with which I found myself now presented.
To that end I want to share with you the boyfriends of The Last Jedi as listed from best to worst.
Normally I'm very much the kind of person to say, "Everybody calm down, we can all have different opinions," but because this is Star Wars, I'm going to reserve my right to remain unreasonable.
This list is definitive and nothing you can say or do will ever change my mind.
Also: SPOILER ALERT!
Now enjoy yourselves.
1. Chewbacca
There is no way that Chewy is not THE world's best boyfriend.
Played in this latest incarnation by both 7-foot, 3-inches tall Peter Mayhew and 7-foot-tall Finnish actor Joonas Suotamo (who take inherit the role full-time beginning with Solo: A Star Wars Story), he offers the quiet but powerful support Rey needs when she as tries desperately to convince Luke to stop being a whiny b*tch baby and come help the Resistence.
Sure, his speech may be limited, but we all know that still waters run deep.
Excessive hair? Okay, but that usually means an excess of testosterone... You know what I'm saying. He'd be a BEAST in the sack, you guys.
Chewy also loves animals, so much so that he goes from wanting to feast on a Porg to allowing them run rampant onboard the Millennial Falcon, so you know Chewy would totally let you keep your 18 and counting adopted cats.
He's got that sexy bad boy reputation, but age and the grief of losing his best friend Han has mellowed him nicely. I'm also pretty sure he owns his own house, and just imagine how fly you'll look when he (literally) picks you up and carries you off on your date night at Chili's.
Swoonsville.
2. Finn
When you decide to make a man your romantic partner for the long term, you want some passionate, reliable, with a strong moral compass. Finn, played by John Boyega, may have started out as Storm Trooper FN-2187, but he was self-aware and modern enough to realize he was playing for the wrong side and made some serious changes!
Finn's quippy, he can fly like one bad SOB, and he's willing to literally die for what he believes in.
The only reason he isn't number 1 is because he's kind of obsessed with Rey, which like fine, she's great, but you don't want your number one boyfriend obsessed with someone else....Yes, Rose! I'm talking to YOU!
Can you imagine? You plan a romantic evening for just the two of you, and then he shows up with Rey and there you are, wearing nothing but a trench coat because you planned to seduce him.
Rey would probably be all like, "In Jakku no one ever wore trench coats and also m-m-my paaaaarents!"
Then she would cry into your cheese plate and Finn would comfort her and you would just sit there, seething your trench coat of shame.
3. C3PO
I will say this now and get it out of the way. Guys, I know he is insufferable. He is a nag. He is high strung. He thinks so freaking smart and fancy with his shiny parts his English accent. I get it.
He's the world's least fun droid.
All of that having been said, don't we all complain about how hard it is to find a man who cares about us and who is invested in us and our well-being? You can't tell me this guy wouldn't always be up in your business: asking you how your day was, asking you if it's wise to speed on the highway as you do, waking you up from naps to remind you that they encourage obesity.
The best part? When he does gets too annoying, you can simply unplug him. BOOM.
4. Poe Dameron
I know. He's a hero. He's a hot-shot. He's always pulling wild stunts and he does it all for the sake of the Resistance. But let's break down what that will mean for your relationship.
Even as played by hottie Oscar Isaac, he's ALWAYS going to put work first.
You'll be like, "Babe, my mom's in town," and he'll be like, "That's cool, BUT THE RESISTANCE NEEDS ME," and then he would go something really ill-advised that would probably only nominally work out, after which he will face few to no consequences for his rebellious behavior, only further reinforcing is sense of gradiosity and entitlement.
At the end of the day, it's always going to be about whatever Poe thinks is best. If that happens to align with what you think is best, hey, girl, you'll be fine.
After all, he's no worse than any other white cis-male... but he certainly isn't any better!
5. R2D2
It might seem unfair to have the world's least likable droid receive a higher place on this list than the world's OG most lovable droid, and for him to rank only one number than Kylo Ren (as you'll learn more about shortly), but my decision has been made and I stand by it. Here's why.
R2D2 is mercurial. He's snippy. He's rude. He probably makes ridiculous terrible chirps and whirrs when he's getting some action in bed.
He's also clearly very much in love with C3PO, and you don't want to be the person who tries to get in between that love affair for the ages.
R2D2 might be smart and capable in his own way, but he's also swiftly becoming a grumpy old man stuck in the past. I mean, seriously, when even Luke Skywalker rolls his eyes at you, it cannot be a good sign for anyone.
6. Kylo Ren
Every woman has dated at least one Kylo Ren over the course of her life.
Adam Driver's portrays him perfectly as the guy who is so deeply damaged by his relationship with his parents that you cannot help but want to soothe and heal him...
...Until you find out that his parents actually kind of rock and he's just an ungrateful punk who doesn't know a good thing when he sees it.
He thinks that simply because he was born with a brain and some gifts that the world should bow and tremble before him, i.e., he is every single guy in Williamsburg who gets put out when the bartender doesn't know how to make the boutique artisanal cocktail they just read about on Vice last week.
If you tried to break up with Kylo Ren, I guarantee he would write a poem about how you used the Force to kill his heart, and when that was done he would literally try to murder you. Also, he would never understand how those actions on his part aren't entirely the same as you trying to amicably end the relationship.
He's got a poster of Jack White up in his bedroom.
He has touched exactly one boob.
And he's still mad that the woman attached to said boob didn't realize what a privilege that was for her.
He is also every man who has ever thought he could pull off a top hat, which is, perhaps, the greatest sin of them all.
7. BB-8
That's right: BB-8 is a worse boyfriend than Kylo Ren, and when you're done here you will definitely agree. Because while yes, BB-8 is charming, and yes, he's got curves in all the right places, his escalating violence cannot be ignored in good conscious.
If a friend introduced me to BB-8 as her boyfriend right after I'd first seen The Force Awakes, I'd have been like, "Oh! He's so sweet! Yay for you!"
But cut to just a little over one year later and now it's all like, "Yeah, so he were trying to escape some storm troopers and BB-8 just went H.A.M. He was killing everyone — EVERYONE! As in, NO survivors!"
And I would be left with no choice other than to suggest that she leave this man.
(Next I would probably have her institutionalized for thinking that she was living in a Star Wars movie, but that is neither here nor there.)
Add this to the fact that when he went undercover on the dark side he seemed just a tad TOO comfortable being on the DL for my taste, and this leaves me with the distinctly funny feeling that BB-8 is a cheater.
8. DJ
Listen, I love a bad boy, and they don't make them any badder than Benecio Del Toro (just ask Kimberly Stewart, his baby mama). If you're a woman who digs penises and the men who have them and you're even just a tiny bit honest with yourself, you know that you swooned the very moment he sat up in that casino jail cell.
Yet for all of his skills, those somehow bizarrely erotic eye-bags, and his keen words of insight and wisdom about the nature of a universe at war, the chump had to go and sell out the Resistance.
If you dated DJ, he would absolutely have sex with your best friend, somehow convince you to do a threesome with them, and then leaving you believing without a doubt all of it was YOUR idea.
I worry the movie set him up to be a Lando Calrissian-esque anti-hero, because I'm not sure how I feel about that, to be honest. That said, if this means Benicio Del Toro gets to star in a malt liquor ad a la Billy Dee Williams, I'm all about it.
Nevertheless, my verdict remains that while DJ would be one hell of a shag, he would also be a terrible, terrible, boyfriend.
9. General Hux
Soooo let's look at the negatives of the "man" played by Domhnall Gleeson here first He's a high-ranking Imperial officer under Snoke and he's pretty much dead-set on destroying every living part of the Resistance. He doesn't look particularly good in black. He doesn't understand jokes. He gets repeatedly force choked and is always surprised when it happens, while by this point he really should know full well that he ALWAYS gets force choked.
Also he's got red hair. Also he allows Kylo Ren to make him his little b*tch boy when he could easily have made a big ol' power grab of his own right after Snoke's demise.
That said, he does take his work seriously and it's nice to have a motivated partner, so that's why he didn't come in absolute last on this list.
10. Supreme Leader Snoke
I mean, he is a cartoon-level master villain who wants to destroy everything that is good in the universe.
That can be fun for a hook-up, sure, but let's be real. You DO NOT take this guy home to meet your parents.
They'd be like, "What happened to his head, sweetie?"
And then he would kill them.
Then you would have no parents.
That is all.
11. Luke Skywalker
Mark Hamill's Luke Skywalker is, yet again, selfish, whiny, slow to learn, and more pessimistic than Eyore combined with Nietzsche and the pessimistic little baby those two would have together if they procreated.
Basically, no one should ever date Luke. Ever.
For one thing, he is perhaps the most famous for having once misread signals and body language so thoroughly that he got the hots for his actual twin sister.
For another, when he finds out that the family he systematically destroyed is about to be wiped out forever because he once got paranoid and tried to kill his own nephew, he skulks around muttering to himself in the rain and threatening to burn sh*t down instead of rushing immediately to the side of his grieving sister. You know, the one whose life he destroyed even though he's allegedly the only one who can now be of help.
And when he finally does take action, it's only through Force magic, and we're all supposed to be SO impressed.
But like, he dies RIGHT afterwards, and meanwhile Leia, who isn't even a Jedi, uses the Force her own damn self to come back to life IN SPACE and FLY HERSELF HOME, and when she's does she's just like, "Yep. NBD. Get back to work!"
Methinks Luke isn't quite all that he thinks he is. So in closing, I firmly believe that if you tried to have sex with Luke Skywalker he would undoubtedly try some kind of weird and ineffectual psuedo-tantric move, and when you didn't have an immediate orgasm he would lie there whining something along the lines of, "But Master Yoda says that I am a very gifted lover!"
Sure, he's a famous Jedi and all, but he would literally prefer to wipe out an entire way of life than face up to his own failures.
Frankly, if you're going for emotionally damaged older men who can do magic, I hear that both Siegfried and Roy are currently available.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.