How To Survive When You Find Out Your Husband Cheated
3 steps to get you through the initial shock.
Weheartit So, you either suspect that your spouse is cheating or just found out that they are having an emotional or sexual affair. You feel like your world is completely falling apart, and you aren’t sure what your next steps should be.
Surviving infidelity isn’t easy, but it is possible. You might feel betrayed or even feel guilty, and you probably even thought at some point, “This could never happen to me!”
But it did. Because it can happen to almost anyone. Recent data shows that around one-third of marriages faced infidelity by one or both partners.
The day that you found evidence of an affair is a devastating one. And you have every right to feel sad, defeated, or even like you should just give up.
In the most recent YourTango Experts video (above), Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Mary Kay Cocharo explains that you might even wonder if there are steps that you need to take to deal with your husband's affair, like kicking your husband out, or if it’s time for you to pack your bags and head to your mother’s or a friend’s for a little while as you come to terms with this new reality.
But before you do any of that, it’s important to take a deep breath and a step back.
Although emotions are likely overwhelming you, you’re going to have to struggle to keep your head and focus on your next steps. And if you want to save your relationship, despite the cheating, the first steps you take are going to be incredibly important.
Here are a few main points to help you through (there are even more in the video):
1. Talk to one person you truly trust — but just one!
When you’re feeling this betrayed and disheartened, likely you’re going to want to talk to someone and get all of the pain out. But if you want your marriage to survive, you should not go and talk to everyone you know about what your husband did.
You should rely on one trusted person to be your support during this time.
And vent to them as much as you need to! You were betrayed. You feel hurt, and those feelings are absolutely valid. However, you should refrain from telling everyone you know or talking to all of your friends, family, and colleagues about it at this time.
This isn’t to hide his behavior or your feelings. This is to make sure that your marriage is still salvageable after the affair, and as Cocharo says, it’s hard to do that when everyone is hating your husband and pitying you.
2. Talk to a therapist.
If you really want to save your marriage and recover from this breach of trust, you’re going to need a good couples’ therapist to help find out where your marriage went wrong and what caused the schism between the two of you.
The assistance a good therapist can offer to a marriage is huge, and can mean the difference between staying together for many years of happiness and splitting up without truly knowing if you could've made it work.
3. Prioritize rebuilding trust.
And most important of all, you’re going to need to rebuild the trust between you and your husband so that this never happens again. A marriage therapist can help you both save your marriage and even create a better one—but it’s a lot of work and you’re both going to have to put in the effort in all areas of your life — not just in the therapist's office.
Whether the affair is emotional or physical, it’s never easy to deal with.
The hurt feelings that come with it can throw you completely off-guard and leave you feeling hopeless, wondering what you should do next. So take a little while to let yourself sort through your feelings, and then come together to try and work with your husband to save your marriage.
Infidelity is never easy to deal with. But you can handle it together.
If you want to talk to Mary Kay Cocharo about a trust issue or any other type of relationship problem, you can reach her here. She'd love to help!