7 People In Sexless Marriages Reveal Why They Stopped Having Sex
"We'd been drifting apart for many months, and eventually, I stopped wanting any physical contact."
weheartit We know sex won't be quite as explosive as the years ago on, but we never imagine it will end completely. Except, sadly, for many couples that is exactly what happens.
"Some years ago I began to see a disturbing trend in nearly 80 percent of the married couples I treated. Their once rich, exciting, and active sex lives had become sexless. These were not middle-aged or senior couples, either. These were young, vital people from their twenties to forties. Most were unhappy, and at a loss about how they arrived at such an impasse..." says Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist.
"I consulted Saul L. Brown, M.D., who is my go-to expert when I am baffled. Imagine my shock when Dr. Brown confirmed that he was seeing the same trend in his practice: many young people having little to no sex early in their marriage, when previous generations demanded more."
This might be because shame often surrounds discussion of sex, particularly when things are not going well. And lack of sex has many causes, including “we just had a baby,” to being worn out by the kids, financial strain, or career demands.
"No matter the cause, at the root is a common denominator: lack of communication. And, when marital communication breaks down, sex falls apart," advises Dr. Walfish.
So, we know having a sexless marriage is common, but that doesn't make it any less awful when it happens to you. We asked real couples to share why their sex lives went downhill in their marriage, and they didn't hold back.
1. Sex became an obligation.
"With my ex, there was a decreasing amount of sexual activity over the years and then it became like an obligation or a chore. The 'once a year' obligatory oral sex for a birthday, Father's Day or anniversary. There needs to be desire and passion and a sense of playfulness, and when those are missing, the sex stops."
2. She was an alcoholic.
"In my first marriage, after one child, in our last year together, we were down to sex only once a month. You'd have to ask her why; that was not my choice. I just got a lot of denials and stopped asking as much. I think maybe it was due to a combination of things: too much alcohol, she was too violent and I would not stand for it, she wanted me in jail because I dared to defend myself, and she was also pregnant with my second child, but it was her fifth and she didn't want any more kids. I also think she was mineral deficient and sleep deprived. As her mental health deteriorated, she eventually had a psychotic break with a few hallucinations (too much pot) and ended up with broken, unintelligible speech that lasted about a year after we broke up."
3. Our roles changed.
"I spent 16 years in a marriage of which the last seven years were sexless. Over the years our relationship turned from loving and romantic to complete drudgery. During the time that we started growing apart, I made every excuse in the book not to have sex. I would say I had a headache, I was tired or that I had a medical problem. I talked to my doctor one day and he confirmed that I did not have a medical problem and that it was more likely psychological than physical. At that point I knew what was wrong.
Over the years we had become more like mother and child instead of husband and wife. I was exhausted by all his childish needs, his wants, and desires in every day life. So due to that, our relationship grew far apart where we not only did not sleep in the same bed for many years but did not kiss or hold hands and didn’t go out together anymore.
Eventually, we had two very separate lives and I decided to end the relationship. I don’t think a lack of sex is what ruined our relationship. I think that the lack of sex was a symptom of a far greater problem which was the lack of connection, trust, intimacy and not having my emotional needs met in the relationship. If I had to do it all over again I would’ve ended the relationship seven years earlier."
4. It was one-sided.
"The problem was that I was the only person giving in the relationship and he was the only person receiving in a relationship, and that made me exhausted so the last thing I wanted to give him was sex. The lack of balance and his childish behavior was a complete turn-off for me. I was repulsed by the thought of having sex with him. He was like a child to me and there is nothing sexy about that."
5. Being near him filled me with dread.
"We'd been drifting apart for many months, and eventually, I just stopped wanting any physical contact with him. The idea of his touching me, let alone having sex with me, left me feeling dread."
6. She was never in the mood.
"It was due to my ex-wife's lack of desire, and it began after giving birth to our second child, which was by C-section (not sure if there is a true correlation there). At some point you can get horny enough to overlook some extra weight, a very hairy vagina, poor communication/connection, and lack of sexual boldness, but too many 'not in the mood' responses is a tough thing to overcome."
7. She just didn't do it for me anymore.
"I am not proud, but I have a few base instincts. I like to push the envelope, try some darker role playing scenarios. The problem is, I didn't want to try these things with her. I could never look at her that way. So, I started to look elsewhere to fulfill my fantasies."
Aly Walansky is a NY-based lifestyles writer. Her work appears in dozens of digital and print publications regularly. Visit her on Twitter or email her at alywalansky@gmail.com.