5 Deeply-Rooted Ways Your Childhood Shapes How You Parent Today, According To Research

Are you a conscious parent? Have you ever thought about when you started your parenting journey? It wasn’t when you became a parent, but when you were born and your parents became parents.

You've probably asked yourself, "What type of parent will I be?" Your parenting decisions are based on your beliefs, most of which are programmed in at a very early age, based on how you were parented, as well as other experiences you had, mostly as a child.

Here are 5 deeply-rooted ways your childhood shapes how you parent today, according to research:

1. Children subconsciously learn things between ages 0-6

Happy mother knows she is shaping how infant will parent Juan Pablo Olaya Celis via Shutterstock

Between ages 0-6, a review in Brain Sciences Journal showed the brain wave frequency is similar to an adult in a hypnotic trance. So whatever children hear, see, and feel gets programmed right into the subconscious mind, without any filtering or choice. Read that again. And one more time, to process the implications of that.

This one, the little-known fact has a big influence on how you are delivering your parenting, through your thoughts, words, and actions, and on how your children are receiving you as a parent.

2. Children learn how to trust from parents

Child on father's back is shaped by parent to learn trust Ground Picture via Shutterstock

The meaning children give an experience is primarily determined by their cognitive and emotional development, as evidenced by a scoping review in the Journal of Health Technology Assessment in Midwifery.

So, infants interpret their world through the lens of whether an experience shows they can trust. Toddlers who are becoming self-aware and are ego-centric interpret experiences as though they are at the center of them, as in "whatever happened must be my fault" or something to that effect.

3. The way a child is parented influences the type of mom or dad they will be

Parents walk with children to shape and influence maxim ibragimov via Shutterstock

A study in the Journal of Health Psychology suggested this subconscious programming becomes your operating system (OS). Just like Windows, Apple, or Linux are for computers, it runs on auto-pilot, in the back of your mind, like an 8-track tape that keeps looping.

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4. Parents subconsciously reject styles different from how they were raised

Mother uses different style to shape child by talking imtmphoto via Shutterstock

The function of your brain is to replicate your OS programming. There are parts of your brain, like the Reticular Activating System, that filter out and reject any belief or fact that doesn’t fit your OS, as supported by research in Science Journal.

5. The subconscious remembers experiences from childhood and may project them

Father shapes son by not projecting and being positive Pics Five via Shutterstock

A study of implicit bias in the Journal of Laryngology and Otology suggested that most subconscious programming is negative. This programming also controls the average person’s thoughts, feelings, and habits, most of the time.

That means that despite your good intentions and efforts, you aren’t usually consciously choosing your responses. That’s why you might react to your children and say to yourself, "Oh, my gosh! I can’t believe I just said that! That was what my mom/dad used to say. I said I’d never say that to my children."

Then, a self-inflicted guilt trip often begins, which is also usually part of your childhood programming. The good news is that you can choose your parenting beliefs and use a parenting style based on the outcomes you want, not old habits.

This is the first step to intentionally re-programming your beliefs and learning new language and action skills, so your thoughts, words, and actions are all in alignment. The bad news is that unless you work with someone to help identify and rewrite these subconscious beliefs, you likely won’t recognize what isn’t true or even see what's hidden in your subconscious mind.

This doesn't involve someone telling you what to believe or talking you into something untrue. It involves learning more about how your mind works, and then using that information in an intentional way, along with tools and techniques you can use yourself to choose and rewrite your own beliefs.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a parenting expert, author, trainer, and coach. She has served tens of thousands of people through her interactive workshops and online webinars. Pawel has 40 years of experience in the child welfare world and has trained thousands of primary parents, foster parents, and protective service caseworkers.