I Sold My Used Panties To A Stranger Online And Hand Delivered Them At Starbucks
I also got a latte.
Courtesy of the author For years I've wondered what it would be like to try selling my panties as a way of making quick cash off of eager perverts happy to pay top dollar for the chance to saturate their nasal cavities with the bold aroma of my cave of womanly pleasures.
This might surprise you, but being a writer doesn't exactly pay very well.
In fact, "doesn't exactly pay very well" sometimes translates to "legitimately does not pay you even one dime."
And because I have no other life skills to offer the world, I've found myself wondering more times than I would care to admit how I was going to pay the rent and/or eat in a given month.
I'm fortunate enough that after a decade of busting my proverbial (and sometimes literal) butt, I generally make ends meet as a writer, but that wasn't always the case.
The last time I was between jobs, things got so bad that I set up a GoFundMe account in order to help fill the gap left after by my unemployment. That wasn't an easy decision to make, and I was lucky enough that my support network didn't even think twice: they simply helped.
Well, for the most part. One family friend saw fit to email me and tell me how pathetic I was for begging, which was a reaction I hadn't expected.
"Even whores can provide for themselves," said this now-former, apparently faux aunt-figure in my life.
The thing that bothered me most about her out-of-left-field attack was that... she was right.
I constantly preach about feminism. I believe that a woman's body is her own to do with as she wishes. I fully support sex workers and want to make the world a more accepting and safer place for them.
Yet when I found myself in a position in which my body and what it can do could possibly have saved me from dire financial straits, it never even occurred to me to try using it.
There is this idea that sex work is easy, that only perverts do it, and that doing stuff like, say, selling your dirty underwear to a stranger online is lazy and slutty. But who am I to pass judgment on anyone doing this, especially when I literally begged people I know to help keep a roof over my head?
So though my situation has changed and finances are no longer the issue for me that they once were — although, don't get me wrong, I'm still not rich, I'm just currently not starving — it's something I haven't been able to stop thinking about.
To that end, I recently decided to try and sell my used underwear to see if it was as easy a way to make a boatload of cash as I assumed it would be.
I have to say, I felt weird about the whole thing, not because I am morally opposed to selling my panties, but because I usually don't wear any. Donning panties underwear solely in order to dirty them up for a stranger felt disingenuous.
But then again, I thought, why should that matter?
After doing some research, I found a couple of websites on which to register, create a profile and offer up a few pairs of my panties for sale.
Scanning the pages of both Reddit and pantydeal.com, it quickly became clear that I had some serious competition out there.
See, selling your panties isn't as easy as just wearing them for a while and then putting up a sign saying something like, "Yo! Buy this chick's panties!"
The men of the internet expect more than the panties themselves. They expect a connection with you.
They expect sexy nude photographs. They expect phone calls. And they expect several other enticements you may be willing to offer. It doesn't even matter if you secrete a particularly high volume of vaginal discharge.
These men simply are not going to pay $20 for your drawers unless you find a way make yourself stand out from the pack.
Within minutes of posting my own ad on pantydeal.com, I received three messages from men telling me that I needed to up my game.
"Pics?"
"Can I meet you in person?"
"I'd love to talk on the phone."
All of these requests crossed lines I found myself not at all keen to cross, so it was I decided to go on Craigslist, the last bastion of unrequited no-holds-barred perversion (well, in addition to Backpage.com, but that's for another time...).
I figured that on Craigslist I'd have a better chance of piquing the interest of men who aren't quite so passionately devoted to buying panties that they go to specialty websites in order to do so. I hoped that this would mean my potential buyers would be a bit less discriminating, and I was right.
I compromised by uploading a photograph of myself along with a description of what I had to offer: one pair of my sweaty drawers.
"Hi there strangers,
I'm a 5'2" plus-sized blond with boobs for days and a full-brazillian. These dog days of 'summer' have me wearing more underwear than usual and I'm interested in finding it a good home with a man who will appreciate just how well it's been loved. Please message me if you're interested.
Serious inquiries only."
I didn't include my asking price because I wasn't sure if doing so is legal, but sure enough, the emails came rolling in.
Here are just a few examples of how many of them read:
"hey there, your panties would be great! and maybe a bra, i love breasts, what's "boobs for days?" ;)
please tell me about yourself and let me know about this. i look forward to hearing from you."
"Hey there Blondie. I'm 24 european male love plus size women like you self. Im also blond with long hair blue eyes and facial hair. I know this is just about underwater but figured if you'd be interested in a little back and toward conversation."
"Hi,
I'm very game. Are you still offering? If you are, please email back with more info. How and where do we exchange? I am very interested.
Thanks."
Along with the underwear-enthusiasts were several men who were just plain enthusiastic about ME.
I found myself kind of blown away by that.
I'm a fat woman and men aren't normally vocal about my looks in a positive way. That said, if ever a space existed in which they could feel comfortable doing so, this was probably it.
Ultimately, I decided to give my underwear to this man.
"Hi, I'm just a normal guy who appreciates the intimate essence of a pair of worn panties."
Something about his message seemed plaintive and sweet, so I said the underwear could be his for a mere $20.
He agreed and then we agreed to meet for a hand-off at a local Starbucks. I brought along a burly male friend (who was maybe far too excited about the possibility of things going South).
My underwear purchaser was running late, so I ordered a latte and waited with my panties resting in an envelope on the table in front of me.
The actual pair of panties in question.
When he walked in I immediately clocked him and he clocked me right back. He came over, smiling ear to ear, and extended his hand. As we shook, I marveled over the formality of the gesture. This man's nose would soon be heading all up in my dirty panties' business, but a hug was 100 percent out of the question.
He asked he could Venmo me and, suddenly entirely the professional, I insisted he hand me the cash right then and there. When he spluttered that he didn't have any on him, we agreed he could pay me via a Starbucks card of equal value.
Both satisfied with our endeavor, we went our separate ways.
All told, it wasn't a bad way to make some extra latte money.
But if you wear underwear regularly, I can see how it might be a bit of a redundant cycle to have to keep purchasing more underwear to sell, then using that money to purchase more pairs to sell again. I think in order to make it big in the world of online used panty sales, you've got to be willing to apply yourself to it the way you would to any other career.
Sex work, it turns out, is actually work. And if you already have another job, it's a bit cavalier to think that switching things up by casually heading into the sex industry to make some easy money is something anyone can do in a snap.
If you want to sell your underwear, that's fine by me.
If you want to ask your friends for help when you are struggling, that's also fine.
What ultimately matters is that however you earn your living is your choice — that you are the one in charge and you are the one holding all the cards... as well as all the underwear, for that matter.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:20 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.