5 Things About Your Affair That Seem Unique — But Aren't
People have had affairs for thousands of years. Yours is not any different.
Natalia Blauth | Unsplash, happiest face =), anuchit kamsongmueang | Canva You are having an affair. For the first time in years, you feel alive. The sky is blue, the flowers are blooming, your head is spinning and your body is tingling. You are on top of the world. You are in love. Isn’t life grand? Unfortunately, I am here to tell you that you are just one of a thousand people having an affair right now. I know yours seems special but it just isn’t. And if you understand that your affair just isn’t that unique it might not have as much power over you. Because it does have a lot of power over you, doesn’t it? Can affairs last? Here are some things you think are unique about your affair...but aren't.
Here are 5 things about your affair that seem unique but aren't:
1. You found your soul mate
I know. You've met someone who is like no one you have ever known in your life. This person gets you on a very deep level. He truly understands you. He can look into your eyes and see your soul. Unfortunately what you're both feeling is the rush of chemicals. Feel-good chemicals come when two people connect emotionally and physically.
If you find yourself having an affair, most likely you have been in a relationship that is void of something that you seek — emotional connection, empathy, love, and intimacy. In this new person, you are finally finding what you have been missing and it feels better than anything else you have felt in a long time. And finding these things after years of drought floods your body with chemicals that make you feel on top of the world. Like you've found your soulmate. And while perhaps you have, chances are that when those chemicals wear off you unless you make major changes in your life, you will find yourself right back where you started.
2. You are having the best intimacy of your life
Yes, you are being intimate. Having a lot of great intimacy. And chances are that you haven’t been intimate for a very long time so this feels especially amazing. But again, the chemical change in your body caused by the newness and excitement of the affair is influencing your feelings about intimacy. Don’t get me wrong. Affair intimacy is wonderful and exciting. But really, the best intimacy in your life will be the intimacy that you have with someone who you truly love and are committed to. So enjoy your love life but know that it could be much better!
3. You will never get caught
Everybody, and I mean everybody, thinks that they will never get caught having an affair. And everybody, and I mean everybody, gets caught having an affair. So don’t kid yourself. At some point, you are going to get caught. And it will suck.
4. You will be the priority
I know that right now you and your lover are obsessed with each other. You spend every possible minute in each other’s company, addicted to the feelings that you have when you are together. But know this. It won’t last. You both have lives. Lives with jobs and kids and spouses and extended families. And while you think that you will always be the priority you just won’t.
Consider how it will feel when you set up some time together and then he has to bail at the last minute because his wife has set up a family dinner that he can’t miss. Or if she has to join her husband on a business trip because spouses are mandatory. Nothing will kill those chemicals above quicker than being put aside, even for a minute.
5. You will live happily ever after
I know that there are plenty of people who have an affair and then live happily ever after. But the vast majority of people having an affair just don’t. For many people, having an affair is just a brief respite from the misery of their marriage. For some, having an affair spurs actions for change. For some, years are spent struggling in the affair, trying, and failing, to get out of it.
So be ready. Know that your affair will most likely end. And you will probably be glad that it did. Your affair is wonderful. And I am happy for you that you have found some happiness, even if it is only temporary. But know this. Your affair is just like everyone else’s and to make it something more than it is, like the greatest love story of all time, will give it more power than it should. Enjoy your affair but look at it with perspective — that it is something in your life but not the thing in your life. Doing so will help you to deal with it better in all its messiness. And it will get messy. I promise.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.