Why Some Guys Just Want Sex And Not A Relationship
Finally — answers!
the stock company / Shutterstock When you're dating and on the hunt for true love, it's easy to get your spirits dampened.
I vividly remember the parade of dudes who seemed far more interested in introducing their body parts to mine than they did introducing me to their moms.
It can definitely feel like some men just want sex... But that's because they do want sex! However, that doesn't mean it's the only thing that every man out there wants from you.
If you've been feeling like the men you meet just want sex and not a relationship, you need to remember some important things about their thinking.
I consulted with some men (who choose to remain anonymous) to get their take on the whole "men just want sex" issue, just to give us all a little bit more clarity.
I think you'll find by the time you're done reading what they had to say that you'll at least have a plan of action in your mind before you go on your next big date.
Why the guys you've been dating only want sex and not a relationship
1. You may be making assumptions based on bad experiences in your past.
One the anonymous men I asked had a great response to this question.
He said: “There's many 'sayings' and they perpetuate for many reasons. Doesn't mean they are true, or apply broadly. Sure, there are most definitely some men who only want sex, but there are also some women who only want sex. At the heart of it, everyone seeks love. How they go about it might be different. But it's wrong to say 'men only want sex.' It's as insulting as saying women only want their husband's credit card, which is another common saying."
While there are men who are simply interested in sex for the sake of, you know, having sex, that doesn't mean every man out there operates this way.
I feel like that's important to say, and even important for women to hear, especially since it came from a guy!
If you have had a series of one-night stands that you expected to turn into relationships of course you will become jaded and skeptical about having sex with a man you meet and date. That's totally fair!
What isn't fair, is to dismiss every man who wants in your pants as a guy just after one thing.
2. You may not be making it clear what you want from them either.
One man I spoke with pointed out that he is a man, and he is seeking a serious relationship.
“It's insulting to assume that men just want sex," he said. "Everyone wants sex, but it's not the only thing we want. For me I look for a relationship for the companionship and sharing my life with someone. Sex is awesome, but not why I'm seeking relationships.”
That kind of direct language women are taught to stay away from, but I think it can be really helpful, especially when it comes to avoiding guys just interested in casual hookups.
If you find yourself going out with a bunch of guys who all seem to just want to have sex and then never call again, the issue might be what you're looking for and how clear you're being about what you want.
Women feel a lot of pressure to not come across as "serious" on a first date. I think this is garbage.
If what you want is a serious relationship built over time, say it! Say that in your profile! Say it when you sit down for the salad course!
If you are clear about your intentions it becomes much easier to sort out the men who just want sex versus the men who want to build a future with a committed partner.
3. Many men simply view love and sex as two completely separate things.
Many men and women think about sex and love differently. Women typically associate the two things as being interconnected, whereas many men, like the anonymous man I spoke with below, view sex and love as different things:
“My take on it is that guys commonly separate interest in the person and sexual desire, while fewer women do this. So sometimes guys looking for sex build a relationship with a woman they're not actually interested in. If they end up having sex, then the guy's had what he wanted and his idealization of that woman stops, he kind of accepts he doesn't want to see her more and the relationship stops. Or, if the guy is rejected by the woman, sometimes he'll just stop talking to her altogether. This is obviously very hurtful for the woman, especially if it's right after they had sex and she feels they've built a special connection," said yet another man I spoke with.
In order to find a man who wants to build a relationship and fall in love you have to understand and believe that you are a person who is worthy of love, worthy of a relationship with a kind and devoted partner.
I am not telling you that in order to end a string of guys who just want you need to utterly master learning to love yourself, but I am saying that you need to at least understand that someone could love you.
On a date, you have nothing to prove. Your only job is to be your authentic self and to see if that authentic self could find a home with the person currently handing you the breadsticks.
4. Some men may be using the promise of a relationship to manipulate you.
Sometimes, in order to get laid, men pretend to want relationships because they understand that women find that attractive. Take it from the anonymous dude I spoke to below:
“I definitely do not think that men 'only want sex,' but I think that as a whole (and accepting that there are plenty of outliers on both sides), men often value sex differently than women," said another anonymous fellow. "Also because sex is more difficult for the average man to get, some [crappy] men pretend to be interested in women romantically when they actually just want to get laid. Because it is so easy for the average woman to get laid if she wants to and doesn't have super high standards, women are less likely to feel the need to manipulate men for sex.”
There are bad men out there. There are men who will manipulate you just to gain access to your bed.
You can't hide from them. But what you can do is learn how to look for them.
If a guy is coming across as too intense, or aggressive, and it's turning you off — pay attention to those feelings. Sure, he could just be over-eager. But he could also be a giant phony who will say anything to get you laid.
There is no harm is having sex for sex's sake. I mean come on, good sex is fantastic, and even bad sex is still sex. But if the sex you are having is leaving you feeling hollow and betrayed it could be because of one of the reasons listed above.
Sex will always be there, either with this guy, or the next one. If you aren't sure about a man, take your time with him.
If he scuttles off into the underbrush after another piece of tail, he's done you a favor by proving your gut instincts were correct.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.