4 Tiny Mindfulness Secrets The Strongest Couples Have Memorized
How to stop letting fear ruin your relationship.
Cottonbro Studio | Pexels Whether you're one of 40 million Americans who suffer from anxiety attacks or symptoms, or one of the millions who suffer from intimate performance anxiety, you're not alone. Figuring out how to reduce stress, deal with anxiety, and increase the intimacy in your relationship takes a lot of work — especially if you're also struggling with a fear of failure. Fear is an illusion, according to spiritual teacher/author Marianne Williamson.
She may be right about that, but if so, it's an illusion with many faces and real-world consequences. Flop sweat, nausea, crying jags, mental "blanks," and lost intimacy at inopportune moments are just a few of its ugly manifestations. Mood disorders are on the rise, and anxiety tops the list. Most of the time, when you're in fear, it's over a perceived future event. So, it stands to reason the antidote would entail refocusing on the present. Cultivating mindfulness is key to loosening anxiety's grip. It's effective against chronic worry and sudden bouts of anxiety in social, professional, and even intimate settings.
Here are 4 tiny mindfulness secrets the strongest couples have memorized:
1. They have faith that things will be okay
Fear and faith cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Yet for anyone with a history of cold sweats, awkward first dates, or anxiety-induced intimate dysfunction, the concept of faith can seem counterintuitive. Past experiences create neural pathways in the brain that direct future expectations. A single incident of self-perceived "failure" can lead to a string of similarly disappointing outcomes. Trapped in an inescapable downward spiral, where the heck is faith supposed to factor in?
A foundation of faith can be built through a string of positive experiences. For example, if public speaking terrifies you, don't sign up for your first TED Talk until you've led a few dinner party toasts. As a next step, perhaps give a short speech at a close friend's wedding reception. If intimate performance anxiety has caused a string of "failed" encounters, stick to low-stress settings with a patient, trusted partner — at least, for the time being. Or hire an experienced intimacy coach to guide you through a gradual process to a series of positive outcomes. The idea is to control your environment, start small, and build from there.
2. They express gratitude
Instead of faith, a gratitude list can combat self-defeating thoughts and lower your heart rate. Whenever you find yourself caught up in negativity, jot down 5-10 things that are going well. Maybe your doctor just gave you a clean bill of health or you hit green lights all the way to work that morning. Big or little things, all that matters is that they're specific and heartfelt. Another tactic is to list things you like about yourself. Are you witty, tenacious, smart, shrewd, or attractive? Maybe you're decent with crossword puzzles, or an animal on the tennis court.
Listing your best attributes is especially helpful before doing any public speaking. It creates a subconscious boost of confidence that others pick up on, and then mirror back to you as approval. It bears mentioning that in an intimate setting, whipping out a journal to take notes may not go over well with your partner. To simply appreciate your experience of pleasure, from one moment to the next, is a way of being mindfully present.
It's noticing the warmth of your partner's tender flesh or the sensation of their soft lips upon your neck. Dwelling on what could go wrong, however, is to focus on future events — a sure way to trigger ED if that's been your pattern in the past. Focusing on the sensation keeps you in your body and out of your head (where intimate performance anxiety lives).
3. They meditate
This doesn't have to be a ritualistic, woo-woo production. Counting to ten, slowly and repeatedly, can be a calming, meditative practice. "Breathwork" is especially effective from simple, deep belly breathing to advanced techniques. You needn't spend a month sitting cross-legged in a Himalayan cave when there are countless tutorials on YouTube. Or try a ten-minute full-body scan, by laying down with your eyes closed, focusing on individual muscle groups from head to toe (or toe to head), and releasing tension wherever it's found. To specifically combat intimate performance anxiety, study and incorporate the meditative techniques of a Tantric yoga practice.
4. They help other people in need
Getting out of your problems by helping others with theirs, is a proven way to boost emotional and physical health. Be a mentor, Scout leader, Big Brother, or empathetic friend as needed. There's something karmically healing about paying it forward and sharing the wisdom you've acquired through personal struggles, whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Being of service can offset intimate performance anxiety by redirecting the focus from yourself onto your partner. The pressure to perform tends to trigger ED, so take it out of the equation. When the focus is on your partner, it's no longer on your imagined future "failure." This can give your body a chance to reboot, and allow the natural response to flourish and flow again. Mindfulness techniques can stop anxiety in its tracks, but for longstanding symptoms or diminished quality of life, consider reaching out for professional help. Life is short ... the present moment, perfect and infinite.
Kristin Casey is an intimacy coach, author, and screenwriter who has been featured on multiple podcasts and publications.