Divorce Doesn't Have To Ruin Your Life —​ 3 Ways To Resist The Urge To Give Up

Change is a part of life, even if sometimes we don't want the change to happen.

We resist painful changes like breakups or divorce — and who can blame us? For a lot of people, the end of a marriage feels like the end of a life.

And in a way, I suppose that's true.

The life you had as a married person, and the plans you made for your life, change dramatically the moment you find out that a divorce is inevitable.

But divorce does NOT mean your life is actually over. It's just starting again in a new direction.

That difference in outlook can change everything about how you handle your breakup. 

One study by Carol Dweck and Lauren Howe found that people who were able to separate their identities from the rejection of a breakup were the ones who recovered the fastest. That distance can even help learn from their mistakes and become better at relationships in the future as a result. That's because they don't see the rejection as an exposure of a flaw inherent to themselves. 

In The Atlantic, one of the study's authors explains, "[W]hen we asked people to reflect on their past rejections, we found a link between those who believed personality was fixed and those who believed that rejection exposed their true selves. If someone believes that their traits are unchanging, the discovery of a negative one is akin to a life sentence with that new knowledge."

But it is possible to re-examine our beliefs about rejection and find ways to adapt? When it comes to heartbreak and moving on after divorce, especially when you have kids to care for, it's certainly worth a try! 

In our latest Expert Quickies video, divorce attorney and advisor Karen Covy gives you the three rules you need to follow when going through a divorce, in order to ensure your sense of overall happiness and security — not to mention your sanity. 

Here are three lessons that can be learned for surviving divorce:

1. Take responsibility. 

Responsibility. NOT blame.

This is not the part where you try to figure out whose fault it is that your marriage ended. Playing the blame game won't get you anywhere.

But take responsibility for what's about to happen.

Put together a winning and supportive team. Hire a divorce lawyer, therapist, mediator—whoever you need fighting in your corner and supporting you through it all.

2. Take control.

There are two sides to the control coin.

One side is you taking control of your own emotions and how you act in the divorce proceedings, with your soon-to-be Ex, with your children.

The other side is understanding that you cannot control your spouse. The only way to let go of some of the stress to accept that your spouse will act how they act and it's completely out of your control.

3. Let karma do its job.

Don't spend your time trying to make your spouse suffer or to pay him/her back for all the bad they've done to you.

Why waste energy and time only to give yourself more stress?

As the saying goes, what goes around comes around.

Take the high road and focus on yourself and your kids.

When you allow yourself let go of the stress, you'll find that getting a divorce is less of terrifying a prospect than you thought.

And who knows, you might even find it's the start of a happy new chapter in your life.

If you need a little help getting through your divorce in one piece, dealing with your soon-to-be Ex, or any other divorce and relationship challenges, our experts are here to help! Reach out to Karen for the support you need.