13 Very Upsetting Things I Learned About Men Who Won't Commit
It's very rare that a man will change his "no commitment" phase for you.
Filippo Carlot/ Shutterstock I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hate men, but I would definitely say that I have developed a severe distrust and wariness of men who hate commitment.
Why? Because I’ve been a victim of their ways, and I’ve been lied to, stolen from, and put through the wringer as a result.
I’ve seen a lot of guys who hated commitment, then got married later. I’ve seen others who have just continued to stay single. It’s not my first rodeo, by far, and I’ve learned a lot over the years.
Here are 13 very upsetting things I learned about men who won't commit:
1. Surprise! They’re not actually commitment-phobic in most cases
Serious commitment phobia is rare. Like, I’ve seen maybe two guys who had a legitimate terror of being in a committed relationship in my life. When a guy skirts the issue of commitment or says he’s “not ready for anything serious,” it’s because he does not want to get committed to you.
2. Actually, the vast majority of men who claim they “aren’t ready for commitment” believe they can do better
A true commitment-phobe will actually have trauma involving relationships that make them act that way. Men who don’t want to commit to you tend to think they can do better or that they can just “hold out” for The One.
3. The ones who are legitimately terrified of commitment often will put unreal standards on the people who they date
They will expect a supermodel who is wealthy, can cook a 5-star dinner, and also will put up with all their bulls***. The reason why they’re so picky is because it gives them an excuse to say no to commitment, even if it’s a flimsy one.
4. Trying to “sell” a commitment-phobe (or any guy) on the idea of committing to you rarely works
The most common (and most painful) mistake that you can make when dealing with a person who’s “not ready for a relationship” is to try to sell him on the idea of committing to you, especially by doing nice things for him. This only rewards him for not committing and also ends up sucking up your time and resources.
5. After a certain age, most people who didn’t want to commit before will try to find a committed relationship
Being single into your 40s is not a fun way to live life, even if you are male. Guys also know this, and after they realize that their fantasy model-housewife-executive-pornstar isn’t coming, they tend to try to establish connections again. Don’t be shocked if a lot of guys who were “afraid of commitment” end up married by 40.
6. But honestly, not all people outgrow their commitment issues, and those who do eventually commit come with baggage
From personal experience, I’d say 2 out of 8 guys who have problems committing never actually get married or commit to someone fully. Of the ones who do end up committing, it’s often not a fun relationship. People who haven’t been in committed relationships often will not be able to handle tougher situations without leaving, tend to be resentful of partners, and also may be unusually selfish.
7. Speaking of which, people with genuine commitment issues also tend to have other issues alongside it
It’s not just commitment issues that most commitment-phobes possess. A lot of them have a deep-seated hatred for the gender they date, may have PTSD, or might be very miserly due to past problems. Some may also feel like they need validation by having women chase them. In other words, they have a lot of issues.
8. Most of the guys who are “afraid of commitment” are really not the catches they appear to be
The best example of why men hate commitment was a guy by the name of Joey, who was my friend Katie’s fiancé for a while. They had been going out for 3 years, and in a desperate attempt to be married, my friend offered $40,000 to marry her, and he refused.
Joey, when they dated, was known for being handsome, sweet, and popular. After the breakup, word got out that he was cheating on her with everyone. He was definitely not the catch he thought he was.
9. No, it’s also not “different” from someone else
For this, I’m assuming that you’re not in a “placeholder” or backup plan relationship with someone who wants commitment but just not with you. Guys who do the “placeholder” thing are horrible, but they do commit to someone eventually.
With real commitment-phobes, the pattern is always the same, just with different people. He’s not treating her any better, and trust me, she’ll be dumped soon enough. The reason why it’s not different is that it’s the commitment-phobe’s issues causing the problem.
10. Commitment-phobes don’t actually get healed and decide to commit when they’re “with someone”
It’s crucial to let them realize they need help on their own. If you’re trying to fix that while dating him, don’t! It will not work out in your favor, and you’ll only hurt yourself.
11. The one thing that most commitment-averse people are great at is disappearing and reappearing
Most commitment-phobes don’t like the idea of actually being alone; they like the idea of having options. So, when you finally get sick of their sh*t, they’ll disappear... only to reappear months later. Usually, they will come back with a sob story about how they were “going through sh*t,” and how they “realized they now want a relationship.” Within months, it happens again. This is pretty par for the course.
12. The way a commitment-phobe behaves with you is not your fault
Nothing you could have done or said could have made the person who’s claiming a fear of commitment acts any better. It’s a sad but true thing. People who act this way, whether they really are afraid of commitment or not, have more baggage than LaGuardia’s luggage claiming zone. No one needs that in their lives, especially not you.
13. Lastly, the one thing you absolutely have to realize is that you should probably bail the moment he says he’s a commitment-phobe or “not ready for a relationship”
It’s so damaging to your self-esteem to feel like you have to manipulate someone into loving you; trust me, I know! Do yourself a favor and just kick him to the curb. He’s already said where he stands. Now it’s up to you to listen to him.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.