The 3 Habits Of Women Who Consistently Get Stuck In Bad Relationships
We're conditioned to be caretakers, but sometimes it goes too far.
Stefano Oppo | Canva Talking and working with other women over the years, I've learned that there are lessons about true love that too many women learn far too late. Often, we are taught as women that we are responsible for the success of our relationships. We are taught to be nice, understanding, accommodating, and agreeable. These are lovely qualities, but we can use them to suppress our wants and desires in favor of the relationship.
With the dynamic duo of this feminine mission and powerful feelings of love pumping through our veins, we can hand our power over to sustain the good feeling parts of our love relationship and ensure its success. These three habits are common among women who give away their joy in this way.
Three sad habits of women stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns
1. Saying "yes" when you mean "no"
Saying "yes" when you mean "no" deprives your mate of the opportunity to know the real you rather than an image you are projecting. You are depriving yourself of the opportunity to be yourself and discover whether your mate wants to be with the authentic you.
You deprive your relationship of the opportunity to flourish because you are using up so much energy pretending. Not only does pretending to expend tons of energy, but it also builds resentment along the way.
And here's a little secret. Even though you are acting nice and agreeable, your partner can feel the seething resentment boiling below the surface. You are creating separation rather than connection. So, say "no" whenever you do not have a full-body "yes."
When you say "no," you allow space for your true wants and desires to bubble to the surface. When you know what you want, proclaim it. Who knows, your partner may find you even more attractive when you bask in the energy of your authentic "yes!"
2. Trying to change someone with your love, anger, or fear
By love, in this case, I mean the withholding kind of love, the fear-based love where you suppress your feelings and preferences to temporarily diffuse conflict.
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If you offer more and more love when they become fearful, angry, and judgmental, and allow them to show up with you in whatever way their emotions toss them about, you are reinforcing their behavior pattern.
Rather, the way you get the relationship you want is to love yourself by getting clear about your boundaries and maintaining them so you do not have to "sit there and take it" when they get all worked up. Rather than being a virtual punching bag, multiple options arise:
- You can remove yourself when they get going and they may decide they do not like losing access to you and do not like this version of themselves, consequently shifting their behavior due to their preferences.
- They may continue to let their emotions carry them away, not taking responsibility for their behavior and then you decide the relationship doesn't work for you.
- You set and maintain clear boundaries and their behavior no longer impacts you. They get to let their emotions loose while you go take care of yourself and reconvene when you are both centered.
On the other end of the spectrum, your partner may not be emotionally expressive at all, while you express a torrent of emotion. You cannot make them express themselves, but at the same time, you do not need to suppress yourself. If you feel something, feel it! If you want to know what they are feeling, ask them!
If they don't like it and make you wrong for being you, they may not be the one for you. Alternatively, if they observe you freely expressing yourself and admire it, they may decide to tune into themselves just a little bit and share what they discover with you. Either way, you get the relationship you want while being yourself.
3. Mistaking jealousy and control for love or passion
Jealousy and control arise from fear, not love. We can think, "They must love me if they get jealous of my friends and want me to be with them instead of my friends." Or, "They don't want me to talk to other people, because they love me so much and want me to themselves."
Nope! They are filled with fear you will leave them because of some story they have going about themselves, you, other people in general, or life. They may believe they don't deserve love, you are too good for them, that everyone cheats, or nothing in life works out for them.
Whatever their story is, they let fear control them. So, to feel better they need to control you. If they control who you see and what you do, they get to limit or eliminate the situations that trigger their fear. It has nothing to do with love. It is devoid of love. They do not love themselves, so they cannot truly love you.
Is this all of who they are and do you need to leave them Of course not! Your job is to love yourself and decide what kind of relationship you want, establishing boundaries that help you to create that relationship.
Instead of staying home with them when they say they don't want you to go out, you get to say: "I see you are afraid. I love you. And, I am going to have coffee with my friend." If they don't like it and badger or berate you for spending time with others, maybe you decide this is not the kind of relationship you want. If they learn to sit with their fear and manage it themselves rather than projecting it onto you, you can build compassion for their fear rather than take responsibility for it yourself.
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Ultimately, you end up enjoying the expansion of your relationship while remaining fully in your power.
These truths about true love, among others, can be suppressed for far too long as we strive to maintain the image of the good wife or girlfriend. I think it is time to drop the image, step into your power, and create your ideal relationship. Say "no" when you mean "no" and "yes" when you mean "yes."
Establish and maintain your boundaries based on your preferences. Engage with whomever you want, whenever you want! Be yourself, sourcing your power, and watch your love relationship thrive.
Michelle Thompson is a life coach specializing in personal and relationship transformation, helping stuck individuals and couples improve their positive energy flow, reconnect with their inner selves and their partners, and embrace their capacity to love more fully.=