5 Foods Proven To Keep His Penis ROCK Hard

I like a good penis as much as the next straight or bisexual perpetually horny woman does, truly I do. 

Every since I started giving advice about sex on my biweekly Facebook Live show, men all over the world have come to me in the hopes that I will be able to provide them with some words of wisdom when it comes to keeping their penises healthy, wealthy, and wise. 
 

RELATED: Size Doesn't Matter...Unless You're Just In It For The Sex
 

Lol, what if sentient wealthy penises were a thing? ... But I digress. 

For a very long time, men assumed that when it came to the penis and erectile dysfunction, they were S.O.L. We assumed that unless Viagra could help you, as you aged and your penis became less than reliable, you would just have to deal with it, and in this case "it" is a limp wiener. 

Goods news, men of the internet (and the woman who like to bounce upon their rock hard members), there is stuff you can do NOW to keep your penis healthy and to prevent ED later and it all comes down to what you eat (other than vagina). 

Here are 5 aphrodisiac foods for erectile dysfunction that'll  keep your penis healthy as a horse's penis. 

1. Coffee coffee buzz buzz 

In what is arguably the best study ever (if you're a coffee fiend) scientists found that men who drink between 1 and 3 cups of coffee a day are less likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction later in life. 

You hear that? Coffee: it's good for your penis.

So now put on some basketball shorts, grab that twenty from my dresser, and go buy Mama and her favorite penis a couple of iced lattes, okay fella? 

2. Mmm, salmon

Studies show that men who get MAD amounts of vitamin D have higher levels of testosterone. 

What does testosterone do (aside from making you hairy and more prone to aggression)?

It makes you GET YOUR BONE ON BUT GOOD. 

So when everyone else is like "Whoa, John's eating a lot of salmon these days; makes sense, it's brain food," you will know the truth.

It is dong food. 

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3. Almond joy

In one study, dudes who were suffering from erectile dysfunction were all tasked with eating 100 grams of almonds a day (lol, oh science, you silly minx). 

At the end of the study, ALL of the participants reported increased libido, more erections, and more sex to completion.

EAT THESE NUTS. THEY WILL HELP YOUR NUTS. 

4. Sweet, sweet blueberry! 

A ten-year study at Harvard indicated that men who ingested more flavonoids (like effin' delicious blueberries) had less of a chance of suffering from erectile dysfunction!

So you want your penis to continue to be the mother-loving warrior of all warriors? STUFF IT WITH BERRIES. 

I mean, put the berries in your mouth.

Please do not put food in your urethra, guys. 

5. Olive oil it up 

Know what makes your penis feel damn divine? OLIVE OIL! 

I do not, repeat, do not mean pouring olive oil all over your penis (although, by all means, if you're doing some style of Olive Garden role play, who am I to judge?) I mean eating olive oil. 

Guess what olive oil does? It reduces inflammation! And you know what can kill a boner? That's right. Inflammation. 

Plus, to keep having a penis so hard it can smash diamonds into dust (though why you would want to is honestly beyond me) it helps to have a heart that it's in working order, and olive oil? It helps there, too!