Millennial Men Have Huge Penises (If You Believe This Survey)

It's time for breaking penis news! 

To be clear, I do not mean news about a penis that broke, so everyone just breathe. 

I just mean news about penises and penis size, so we're on the same page. 

Word on the street (and by street I mean the internet) is that the size of the average penis is growing ... literally. 

Turns out millennial men are packing major dong.

That is, if you believe what researchers have to say on the matter. I, for one, approach all dong news with a patina of skepticism. 

Back in 2015, according to a survey of 16,000 penises (and presumably the men to which they are attached) reported an average length of 5.6 inches (when erect, duh, because like, every dude wishes). 

Today, a new study logging the size of the average millennial's penis indicates that the average size of an erect penis is 6.1 inches.

So, one of two things could be true. 

The first: penises are getting bigger and it is millennial who are contributing to these higher numbers. 

The second, and far more likely option: dudes are lying about the size of their penises. 

I'll let you guess which one I think it the most likely option. Go on, take your time, I'm not going anywhere.

*Waits patiently for at least thirty seconds*

YES, THAT IS CORRECT MEN ARE DAMN LIARS AND DREAMS WHEN IT COMES TIME TO MEASURE THEIR PENISES.

Here's the thing, this is a self-reporting survey, which means no one in a white coat is pursuing dudes with a measuring tape and demanding that they get hard and then stick our their erections to be measured for the grand tally. 

This is like saying how much you weigh on your drivers license or how tall you are. 

Because no one is doing the actual weighing and measuring you are free to use your imagination. I am fairly certain that my numbers are identical to whatever Angelina Jolie has on her license (and also her pilot's license). 

Also, I am pretty sure that on my license under eye color it says "damned if I know." 

The real dirt that this study reveals is that millennial men are getting cockier (pun not intended but delightful) about their sexual prowess and attributes and frankly the last thing this world needs is another generation of men whose dicks are just "okay" walking around like they are god's gift.