I Was Trying To Conceive A Child — But That Changed When Trump Was Elected
My perception of the world changed when Donald J. Trump won the presidency.
getty Our living room was quiet when I said “the words,” four words which had the power to change my life forever. Which would, and still could, change my life forever.
“I think I’m ready.” I paused. “Yeah. I’m ready.”
There was no small talk. No witty banter, no back and forth, and my husband didn’t need to ask “for what” because “it” was known. “It” had become an unspoken dialogue in our house, but that is because we had been talking about “it” for four years.
We had been talking about “it” since our first child was born. But what was “it?” What was I ready for? To have a baby. Well, a second child. I was finally ready for a second child.
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Of course, there were several reasons why this moment was (for lack of a better word) momentous. Some reasons were personal. Some were professional, and others were financial. Before now, the numbers didn’t add up. We simply couldn’t afford a second kid. But the real reason I waited — and we waited — was because I was terrified. I was horrified. I was afraid.
After our first baby, I had a reason to be afraid.
You see, shortly after the birth of my baby girl, I suffered from postpartum depression. Terrible, nightmarish, I nearly took my own life sort of postpartum depression, and I vowed I would never have another child.
I swore I could never have another child. But after three years, three months, and a handful of days, I was ready. We were ready, and so we got busy.
We got to work, and we began “trying” — trying to conceive our soon-to-be second born. But our plans came to a screeching halt on November 8. (Well, early on November 9.) Because life changed, things changed, and my perception of the world changed when Donald J. Trump won the presidency. Yes, a man who embodies racism, sexism, hate, hostility, misogyny, and bigotry won the presidency.
Make no mistake: in my life, nothing really changed. At least not immediately. At least not for me — as I am a white, middle-class working mom. A straight, white, middle-class working mom. But the air around me shifted. The tenor around me shifted, and the way I looked at people changed forever.
My trust in humanity and empathy, kindness and decency was broken because this was NOT the America I thought I lived in. This was NOT the America I had faith in, and the America I knew — the America I loved — wouldn’t have voted anger into power.
They wouldn’t have voted vitriol and discrimination into power, and they wouldn’t have chosen fear and hate. But they did. America did, and now I cannot fathom raising another kid in “this world.”
I already worry about raising my daughter in “this world.”
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You see, I am a staunch believer in women’s rights, LGBT rights, and human rights. I believe in personal freedoms, religious freedom, freedom of expression, and freedom of the press but our “grab em’ by the pussy” President doesn’t believe in any of these things. He believes a foreigner's place is anywhere but in “our country.”
He believes guns are good and God is good, but only if that God is Christian. Only if he is male and white he is “right.”
He believes the media is our enemy. The entertainment industry is our enemy. Mexicans are our enemy. Muslims are our enemy. African Americans are our enemy, and homosexuals are definitely our enemy. I mean, what happens in Target bathrooms across the country is of grave concern, right?
Oh, and he believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Her mind is not her own. Her body is not her own and her job is to satisfy her husband; if she cannot do that, she clearly cannot do anything. (And yes, Donald Trump once implied this. Exactly this, i.e. “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?”)
Make no mistake: I have no idea how I am supposed to raise my daughter in this world. Hell, I have no idea how I am supposed to raise a child in this world — which is why we put plans for baby number two on hold — but I do know it starts in the home. In my home.
Change starts with me.
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So no matter what happens, I won’t stop speaking. I won’t stop yelling, and I won’t stop fighting for myself, for my family, for my family's family, and for American families across the country. For families I have never met because this is NOT normal. This is NOT okay, and we deserve better.
I know humanity can be better.