7 Signs They Aren't 'The One' And It's Time To Go
Catch the counterfeits to make way for the real deal.
RDNE Stock project | Canva When we think we've found "The One," we tend to stay with them regardless of their behavior.
Jennifer exemplifies the situation many women find themselves in. She described Rob, who had a pull on her for years, even when they rarely saw each other. They met at work and began casually hanging out as friends. They shared the common bond of divorced parents.
This was the first time she met a man who could deeply empathize with the pain she had dealt with for years. He also had handsome features, athletic shoulders, and an arresting smile to top it off. But, to her dismay, he frequently flaked on plans, but she tried to act nonchalant to preserve the casual friendship she treasured, even though she yearned to be more than friends.
Eventually, they recognized the intense attraction to each other at a party, and their relationship entered murky territory. He ended up ghosting her. Through her friends, she heard stories of his excessive drinking and partying habits. She hoped he would change and see how they were made for each other. She was hung up on Rob.
Don't be like Jennifer.
Here are 7 signs they aren't 'the one' and it's time to go:
1. They are unfaithful.
If they cheat, they need alone time and a severe life change. Some will defend their lovers and say people, by nature, cheat.
In reality, monogamy proves challenging for all couples. Love is a choice, if they choose to fulfill a selfish desire rather than love you, it is not the love you want.
2. They are "not looking for anything serious."
You want to spend time getting to know each other first, but if they hesitate to make your relationship official after a few months, take note. This person may be too immature for the fulfilling relationship you want.
Figure out the kind of commitment you desire, and they need to step up or get out of the way so the right one for you can take their proper place. Stop selling yourself short. Refuse to wait around years for a lover who’s unsure of what they want.
3. You’re afraid.
If you fear it will be impossible to find another who you’ll find so attractive or who makes you feel this way, listen up. You will. You will find the right person who you find extremely attractive, and they'll make you feel beautiful. You also may fear that other people will fail to want you.
Rest assured that taking care of yourself costs less than healing the emotional wounds that will continue if you stay with this person.
4. They direct their potty mouth at you.
If someone curses at you, demeans you, or is abusive towards you, even if it's just for a few moments, it's time to say goodbye. Of course, everyone has flaws, but a lover who exhibits any of these behaviors towards you needs to leave. Separate from them before the abuse gets worse.
5. They flake on you.
When you get stood up by someone you care about, you feel tempted to date them even after they blew off a date.
In this case, you can use the fluke or flaw rule. They may have forgotten this one time (a fluke), or they flake often and find something more immediately gratifying to do (a flaw).
Remember, you hold the power; you can give them another chance to discern this character trait, but if this is a behavior pattern, give them up. Time and time again, reliability is revealed as one of the vital qualities of a good future spouse.
6. They act like they're in middle school.
A lover who lies has low self-esteem. They think they must put on a show to be desirable or get what they want. This also reveals they have failed to mature to a place where they feel comfortable in their skin.
For love to work, both people love themselves, make sacrifices, and commit 100 percent. A common game-playing tactic occurs when a lover tries to hurt you because they believe you did something wrong.
However, your relationship can only survive if both partners choose to be better people. You should lovingly tell your significant other if their actions hurt you, but revenge will kill love.
7. They freeload off of your success.
We look for partners who can hold their own and take care of themselves. If your lover depends on you for money and takes advantage of your success, it’s time to tighten your belt.
I have seen the heartache caused when we misidentify "The One". Instead of a title that takes months of discernment, we may use it as a band-aid to cover the ugliness of their actions.
Fortunately for Jennifer, a few years passed, and she succeeded with honors at the business. At a company function, she ran into Rob. He looked quite different than the handsome man she once knew. He had become sullen, tired, and aged beyond his years.
Whispers around the company revealed Rob had a problem with addiction. She realized she had been saved from a relationship with someone who needed more help than an individual could provide. After years of agonizing over losing the man of her dreams and going over their every interaction in minute detail to see what she had done wrong, she saw his tragedy now, and she felt relief in her heart that swept away the misdirected remorse.
If you’re experiencing domestic abuse, you’re not alone.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports that approximately 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in the U.S. More than 12 million women and men over the course of the year suffer from instances of domestic violence and abuse.
If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic abuse or violence, there are resources to get help.
There are ways to go about asking for help as safely as possible. For more information, resources, legal advice, and relevant links visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline. For anyone struggling with domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474 or log onto thehotline.org.
Alessandra Conti & Cristina (Conti)) Pineda are the women behind Matchmakers In The City, a top certified personal matchmaking firm in Los Angeles, New York City, San Francisco, and Washington, D.C.