7 Ways To Become More Sexually Confident (Without Feeling Embarrassed)

I feel blessed when people confide their most personal thoughts and feelings, their challenges and fears. Over the course of years, I’ve heard intimate stories from hundreds of men and women who pour their hearts out and ask me the questions they are too embarrassed or ashamed to ask anyone else. It is satisfying beyond measure to feel their trust when they only know me through our online programs, articles, and videos.

Again and again, I am touched by the intimate love a man feels for his woman — how deeply he wants to please her, how thrilled he is when his woman shares her body and surrenders to pleasure.

I am equally repeatedly saddened by men’s lack of sexual confidence in their ability to satisfy their partners.

For many men, fear and shame destroy their ability to connect deeply with their lover and reach the heights of passion they sense is possible. The causes of fear and shame are varied: poor modeling from parents, societal oppression, religious guilt, or even outright inaccurate information about sex. I applaud authors and bloggers who have created an open dialog by sharing their experience and getting real about human sexuality.

For the most part, individuals who are truly curious and interested in accurate information, who long for loving connection and erotic fulfillment, have quite a bit stacked against them.

But those who are called to develop sexual intelligence, who cannot rest until they become skillful lovers, find their way to sex-positive teachers like me, and like Jim Benson, Jaiya Ma, Sheri Winston, and Emily Nagoski, all of whom are dedicated to guiding people to fully embrace and express their sexual power.

RELATED: 5 Ways To Become The Sexual Goddess (Or God!) You Are Destined To Be

If you are reading this article, you are among a small percentage of people who actively educate themselves in the interest of having a fulfilling sex life. I celebrate the eager learners who commit to a path of personal growth, especially the kind of growth that can only happen in the crucible of relationship. These are the relationships that bring out the best in you and transform you into the loving, heart-centered, compassionate person you were born to be.

In addition to the intimate conversations I have with men, I read every new book on sex, keep up on the latest studies, conduct my own research, and interview a wide range of authors and sex educators. Their specialties range from female anatomy and arousal to passionate marriage and succulent sex craft.

In so many conversations with both individuals and professionals, a common theme emerges for both men and women who struggle with unmet desire: not enough sexual self-confidence. In fact, I would go so far as to say that lack of self-confidence is at the root of nearly every sexual issue. So how do you work through and resolve this problem?

Here are the 7 most powerful ways I have found to increase your sexual self-confidence:

1. Awareness

Become aware of insecure feelings, look for the underlying reason for your lack of confidence, and address your fears head on. It is highly likely they stem from shame or a simple lack of knowledge.

2. Education

Lack of knowledge is easy to resolve by studying human sexuality. Learn how your body works physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Learn the ins and outs of sexual anatomy and technique. Learn communication skills that will allow you to connect with your lover. These will increase your confidence and lay a strong foundation for passion and rapture.

3. See a sex therapist or tantra teacher who can help you overcome shame.

For some people, shame is a powerful block that freezes their sexuality and makes it all but impossible to enjoy their erotic side. Although it is possible to work through shame with a loving partner, professional help can be a direct route that makes partnering up less challenging.

4. Evoke your masculinity or femininity.

When you cultivate your masculine energy as a man, or your feminine energy as a woman, you naturally feel more sensually connected to yourself and become more appealing to others. Become the man who can protect and provide for your woman. Let go into your feminine nature and share your womanliness with your man. Polarity will feed on itself and naturally grow your confidence as a man or as a woman.

5. Practice

Have more sex. Get experience. If you’re single, practice safe sex, making sure you are completely upfront with each lover about your sexual history, your current, and recent partners. Get tested regularly and use the best practices for safe sex. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, experiment with a variety of techniques and positions. Learn new activities with each other. For example, schedule Erotic Playdates together.

6. Have a beginner's mind. 

Most important is the way you approach developing self-confidence in the bedroom. The key is to let go of performance and, instead, learn to simply be present. Practice “beginners mind” and give yourself and your partner permission to live in the question instead of having all the answers. Open yourselves to trial and error. Remember: there is no such thing as failure, only feedback.

Practice, practice, practice. It's the path to mastery. And I promise you will have a lot of fun along the way.

7. Positive self-talk and sexual leadership.

Notice negative self-talk and shift your thoughts to focus on what feels good in the moment. Be sweet, forgiving and loving to yourself as you stumble, learn, and improve your skills. 

Nobody knows how to have great sex until they try. Why do you think you should already KNOW? Experiment and make a pact with your partner to be gentle, honest, and encouraging. Men, leading your woman will help both of you develop more sexual confidence. This is so important that I asked my mentor and friend, Dr. Patti, to write a book on her approach, The Four Keys to Seduction.

Once you gain experience and improve your sexual confidence, you will drive up your win rate and start to experience a truly fulfilling sex life.

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Susan S. Bratton is a relationship expert and the CEO of Personal Life Media. After 15 years, Susan has distilled the six simple essentials that ignite passionate love-making into her latest #1 international best-selling book, Sexual Soulmates. She has been featured in the NY Times and appeared on the TODAY Show, ABC, CBS, CNBC, CW, Fox, and NBC and can be reached on her website, Personal Life Media.