3 Ways To Talk About Your Sex That Will Make Your Sex ... SEXIER

Having sex BDSM-style isn’t for everyone. However, the way kink-practitioners talk about sex, definitely is. 

BDSM is all about communication. People not only talk about what they’re going to do before they do it, they also talk about what they're doing while they’re doing it, and then evaluate what they did after the doing.  

I know you’re probably tired of hearing about the wonders of communication when it comes to sex, but the truth of the matter is, the more you talk, the better it gets.

And even if it feels difficult and daunting in the beginning, the benefits you’ll reap are most definitely worth it, I promise.

Is that sexy, though? Actually, yes. Find out how to make your sex life better by reading the three tips from BDSM below:

1. Talk about sex before you actually have it.

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Having a conversation about what you want to do to your partner, or what they’d like to do to you can be used as a means of foreplay.

Let the exchange take time, so you can really get into it, and accept whatever shame or shyness you feel. It’s okay if you find it difficult, the most important thing is that you do it anyway. When trying to make it sexy, don’t be afraid to use adjectives, as it can really turn things up a notch. Try using words like "soft", "hard", or "smooth".

The conversation isn’t just great foreplay, it’s also a good way of making sure you won’t be subjected to something that turns you off or makes your feel uncomfortable.

For example, if you don’t want someone pushing your head down while you’re giving oral, you won’t risk it happening if you communicate that beforehand. Boom! Stress and worry about it is gone. And the sex? Even sexier.

By having a conversation about sex before you actually get to the sex part, you’re opening the door for the talk to flow more freely and less dramatically. It’s that first conversation that’s usually the hardest.

By talking before sex, you’re ridding the subject of its shame and fear, which in turn grows your self-confidence.

Normally, we think of intimacy during sex as our bodily communication, but by talking, you'll actually be increasing the trust and intimacy, according to Psychology Today. 

2. Talk about sex while you’re having it.  

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Whilst you’re chatting about preferences and dislikes, make sure you agree on words or ways to communicate that you want to stop, take a break, or slow down while you’re having sex. This will make talking about sex easier, while you’re in the middle of it.

In BDSM, people refer to this as establishing safe words, words which are used to communicate to one another how you're feeling and what you want. As the usual words such as "stop" or "no" are often used as a part of the roleplay.

People tend to use other words to convey the same message, such as "red" or more frivolous terms such as "bank" or "fennel".

The lesson here is not to start saying "peanuts" every time you want a partner to stop — it’s about talking beforehand about how to say it.

If you’ve already established the phrase "I need a break" as a means of taking one, it will enable you to say it during sex without being afraid of hurting your partner's feelings or making it awkward. It will also reduce the need to give an explanation as you’ve already discussed the meaning.

This, in turn, will rid you of the angst that you might be bad in bed, effectively making sex more pleasurable, easy and honest.

3. Talk about sex after it’s done.

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Conversing about sex after you’ve sexed it up is also a great opportunity to check in with the other person, and process what you liked and disliked. It’s about getting a sense of your sex partner’s feelings, and making sex the next time even better.

This will also allow for more honest communication in other areas of your life, because if you can chat about sex, you can chat about it anything!

Make sure to establish it as something you do often, or even try turning it into a routine. This will make your dialogue about sex more natural, and it’ll make it easier for you to offer your partner pointers or tell them about something new you were inspired to try.

You might even be surprised by what your partner enjoyed the best, something you perhaps never would have known, had you just left it up to ol’ bodily communication.

Now that you’ve learned a little bit about the three things that make the style of communication within the BDSM community absolutely banging — try giving it a go.

It might feel awkward, and it might not pan out, but there’s a really big chance it will, and if you’re honest with yourself — that’s a pretty small risk for a potentially huge gain.

Leigh Norén is a sex-positive sexologist and counselor. If you would like to connect with her please click here.