Why Men Put Needles In Their Balls Even Though It's DANGEROUS

Women are not alone when it comes to trying out ridiculous medical procedures all in the name of beauty. 

There's a new guys-only trend rising in cosmetic surgery and it's guaranteed to make you cringe. Men are having Botox injected into their scrotums to reduce sweating and the appearace of wrinkles. 

I do not even have a penis and the very idea of sticking a needle full of botulism toxin into my ballsack has me wincing in a very real way. 

It's easy as a woman to feel smug about this rising trend in dudes tending to their penises and scrotums with high-end, needless, medical procedures. It feels like the shoe is finally on the other foot. For years we've been injecting ourselves, not to mention peeling and lifting and toning and waxing, why shouldn't men feel exactly the same sort of pressure to look and feel forever beautiful and forever young? 

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But because I am a decent human being I cannot truly revel in the burning ashes of the male ego.

Instead I've got to be logical and say, "Guys, don't get botox in your balls, your balls are near your penis, it's not necessary and actually really, really high risk." 

For one thing, balls are SUPPOSED to be wrinkly. That's the way they are designed. The muscles that give the scrotum that wrinkly appearance are called the Dartos muscles. They are responsible for keeping the testicles mobile within the scrotal sack. 

The testicles need to be mobile because the sperm they house is very, very sensitive. When the air gets too cold, the Dartos muscles contract, lifting the testicles up closer to the body for warmth. When it's too hot out, they retract, cooling off the testicles before the sperm can boil to death. 

Botox in your scrotum in a best case scenario stops your balls from doing something that they need to do. 

I thought being super fertile was one of the cliched ways men took pride in their masculinity? If that's the case why undergo a procedure that, even if performed "correctly" could hamper their ability to get a woman knocked up? 

The other reason men are getting the procedure done in droves is because of ball sweat. I hate to break it to you dudes, but your penis and your balls NEED to sweat. The shaft of the penis and the scrotum are notoriously sweaty. Why? For the very same reason that the Dartos muscles exist inside the scrotum. Sweating helps regulate temperature which in turn keeps your sperm from slow cooking in the crock pot that is your junk. 

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Great, now I've ruined slow cooking for myself, thanks for NOTHING, Botox. 

Most doctors advise against getting "scrotox", which makes sense given everything we've covered above, but human beings love to change things about themselves, even if there's a biological reason for the design in question.

I don't want you to think I'm a hypocrite. I'm only 33, and outside of getting some questionable moles removed, I've yet to have any plastic surgery. But I'm not ruling it out for myself. Beauty and self-perception are constantly evolving, and if that means one day I want to get a brow lift because I think it will make me feel happy, I will get that brow lift. 

By the same token, I understand why a man might want to get "scrotox". It's for the same reason some women get breast lifts or a tummy tuck: they aren't feeling as good about themselves as they once did and they know that this procedure is something that could help change that. 

Get whatever plastic surgery you want, I just ask that you don't go in blind. Do your homework, find out what the very real dangers are, and make sure you find a doctor who is super experienced at the procedure in question. 

God speed, and sweaty balls.