4 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Try To 'Fix' A Man
Remember, pity parties are always a table of one.
Jaroslav Monchak / Shutterstock You may already be aware of the fixer personality type. A fixer is someone who feels best when helping others. When they see someone less fortunate than themselves, they immediately want to find a way to remedy that situation.
They have a keen sense of the unfairness in the world and strive to correct it. They volunteer to help others and are generally charitable people.
If you recognize yourself as a fixer, that’s great. It’s a wonderful quality to have.
Fixers are nurturing, giving, and empathic. They often do much meaningful work in this world — think Mother Theresa and Gandhi.
Unfortunately, many people with a fixer personality type bring their need to fix into their romantic relationships as well, causing devastation for all.
Here are 4 questions to ask yourself before you try to 'fix' a man:
1. Are we equals?
An imbalance does not make for a good relationship. You will be miserable. Your partner will be miserable. And you won't even get your fixer needs fulfilled because most people don’t want to be fixed.
People want to be loved for who they are, not for what someone wants or imagine them to be. You may feel you are helping, but if the partner senses that you see them as a project, resentment will build.
2. Are you in love with the person or their potential?
It’s important for everyone’s sanity that you choose a partner who is already a great fit for you and has many qualities you love and are willing to accept long-term. If you are imagining the amazing person they will be — once you have fixed them — move on. They won’t change. Promise.
3. Do you see yourself as a hero?
If you are thinking about how much they will cherish you when you've saved them from themselves and improved their life, this could be the result of a deep-seated desire to be needed.
Strange as it may seem, giving can really be a selfish act. If you receive validation from what you can offer instead of from who you are as a person, this may be an issue for you. You don’t have to be someone’s savior in order for them to love you. You are good enough by yourself.
4. Do you feel sorry for them?
Your relationship can’t be your charity case. You deserve better. Help them if you must — that’s okay. That’s what fixers do. But don’t get involved with them romantically.
Your desire to help comes from a good place. Nurture that in other areas of your life, but don’t allow it in your romantic relationships. You deserve better. Foster the relationships that you deserve.
Dr. Zoe Shaw is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert who consults with clients from all over the world.