Why Telling Your Friends About Your Sex Life Is Actually KILLING It

By Jillian Kramer

Some might argue that the fun of sex can be extended long after it's over simply by reliving every toe-curling detail with your friends.

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But while most sex experts encourage open-and-honest communication when it comes to intercourse, that doesn't necessarily extend to talking about your bedtime routines with your social circle. 

"There is value to keeping certain aspects of your sex life private, which doesn't mean you can't ask questions or try to solve problems," says Madeleine Castellanos, M.D., sex expert and author of Wanting to Want: What Kills Your Sex Life and How to Keep It Alive. "But it means not putting your life out there for display." 

Of course, it's not just about bragging. Keeping mum about what you do between the sheets (and out) stokes your sexual desire and excitement because it nurtures and protects your individual eroticism, Castellanos says.

"Part of what adds eroticism and excitement to a sexual relationship is the specialness that comes with the shared knowledge of the details of that relationship," she explains. "By sharing that information, you risk taking the specialness out of it and reducing it to ordinary. For example, if everyone knew what your partner looked like when he reaches orgasm, it might take the eroticism out of it." 

What's more, when you reveal the details of your sex life, you open yourself up for comparison. And that, Castellanos warns, can be very bad for your sex life.

"When you start to talk to other people about your sex life, it shifts you into competition mode," she says. "Then it may become about bragging, or worse, it might become about the negative complaints that you have. Either way, this creates a physiological stress response which your brain associates to those thoughts about your sex life."

Even if that doesn't happen, you run the risk of well-intentioned gal pals making you feel badly about what you enjoy. "People love to give their two cents, even if their words of advice are way off," says Castellanos. "Sometimes suggestions and comments from your friends can be helpful, but everyone and every relationship is different, so what may work for them may not have the same effect for you." 

Of course, sometimes it's totally OK to share, like "when you genuinely feel good, happy, proud, and you want to celebrate that feeling," says Castellanos. "This can usually be done without giving all the details of your sex life, and certainly without the attitude of bragging, gloating, or showing off. Just be careful of some of the pitfalls mentioned."