Pokémon Sex Toys Are Here To Mess Up Your Entire Childhood

Everyone knows how quickly Nintendo and Niantic’s new game Pokémon GO took the world by storm, popping up everywhere: news outlets, clothing, trending memes, your friends’ Facebook and Twitter pages, and also in the real life of oblivious players that walk in front of your car without looking or fall off a cliff because they were trying to catch some elusive creature on their phones.

Pokémon has been a staple of childhood for many years, even going so far as to interest adults who either watched the TV show and movies as kids, or perhaps collected and played the card game, trading with their friends and battling it out so that they could be the ultimate Pokémon master.  

But I don’t think anyone was fully prepared for the dark side that Pokémon GO’s wild success would bring: the world of Pokémon sex toys and creepy Poképorn. If you’ve ever wanted to “catch 'em all” in the grossest possible way, then this new trend is right up your alley.

And on the topic of being up alleys, Pokémon-themed porn has actually risen to the number one spot on some porn sites in the hentai and anime categories. The Pokémon hentai’s increased popularity (hentai is “pervert” in Japanese, if that’s any indication) means that yes, there is actually a market for tiny cartoon creatures being involved in sex play.

These oddly-themed dildos are based on the starter Pokémon from the original games (Charmander, Squirtle and Bulbasaur), along with everyone’s favorite electric mouse starter from Pokémon Yellow, the special Pikachu edition.

According to the website, you can pick from a butt plug with a small tail (“Piky”) that “is a perfect size for the average Pokémoan trainer. Piky is an extremely cute yet essential addition to your team.”

Next, you have "Squirty," a dildo that “has a smooth round head with a large grooved turtle shell on its back.”

If you prefer skinny dildos, “Charmy” is “a slightly thinner, fire type Pokémoan with a flaming tail.”

Or “Bulby,” a dildo crafted with “a large seed tip, making it a very pleasurable friend to have.” 

All photos: Geeky Sex Toys

If the idea of dildos shaped like small fictional creatures doesn’t disturb you or ruin your childhood forever, you can purchase these Pokémoan play items through Geeky Sex Toys. While Piky is $50, the other items run for about $69 a piece, which will definitely set the completionist player back a pretty penny if they’re into collecting the whole set of sex toys to “catch 'em all.”