Consent Is ALWAYS Required (And This Checklist Makes It Hot AF!)

We’ve all heard the catch phrase “No Means No” which, on the surface, makes consent seem simple to navigate. 

In real world instances, however sexual consent isn’t a black and white issue — it has many shades of gray.

My preferred definition of sexual consent is this:

• Consent requires a clear, enthusiastic, resounding yes.
• Consent can never be assumed, it must be granted.
• Consent given does not constitute blanket consent. It can be revoked at any time.
• Consent requires continual communication between all parties.
• Consent can only be granted by someone who is fully conscious, fully capable, fully informed and in no way coerced.
• Each person involved is responsible for respecting, maintaining and/or communicating consent on an ongoing basis.

It's necessary for each of us to predetermine our own sexual boundaries before we can effectively navigate consent when we engage in sexual activity with others.

I recommend the use of yes/no/maybe lists to help partners set personal boundaries and foster communication about specific sexual topics.

You can download my Yes/No/Maybe list here: Sexual Yes/No/Maybe List.

To use the list, indicate how interested you are in each activity with a yes/no/maybe and ask your partner(s) to do the same.

When you discuss your responses together, go beyond simple yes or no answers. Use this list as a starting point to explore other sexual activities and fantasies pertinent to your own experiences.

Then, ask each other additional questions like these:

1. How willing are you to explore outside your identified sexual orientation?

2. Are certain parts of your body off limits?

3. Are there certain parts of your partner(s) body you don't want to explore?

4. What kind of sexual aftercare do you prefer?

5. Do certain sexual acts or scenarios trigger a post traumatic response?

6. Which other acts make you uncomfortable (i.e., being seen fully naked, eye contact during sex, etc.)?

7. Do you have any medical conditions or allergies that affect your sexuality?

You can also review this list on your own as a tool to help identify and set personal boundaries and better prepare you for your next sexual encounter.

Discussing turn ons, desires and fantasies with partners can — and should — be fun. Yes/no/maybe lists allow you to learn a lot about your partner(s) and yourself, opening the door to more fulfilling, satisfying sexual experiences and relationships.

This particular checklist is geared toward “vanilla” partners. If you're interested in exploring BDSM-related pre-negotiation tools, download the Kinky Yes/No/Maybe list here: BDSM Yes/No/Maybe + ROUGH BS*.    

*Props to Jim Marcus, the brainchild behind the ROUGH BS System!).