I Smeared My Dude's Semen On My Face For Beauty Reasons

It's 3:10 in the afternoon and I'm eating Cheez-Its writing about that time I deliberately smeared my boyfriend's semen all over my face. 

He's been at work since the early hours of the morning, and so have I. After all, these Cheez-Its certainly won't eat themselves.

While the rest of the world works hard in their offices, I was luxuriating with (read: trying not to think about) the sperm from this morning's sex session making a stiff mask on my face.

Fear not, I have not descended into total madness. 

Having fallen into an internet hole some point last week I wound up watching a video by holistic beauty blogger Tracy Kiss. 

Tracy was espousing the virtues of smearing semen on your face as an organic alternative to chemical peels. 

Yes, I just gave myself a DIY semen facial.

Tracy and that one creepy guy you met at you cousin Kevin's wedding aren't the only people who are sure you should be smearing sex juice all over your face. 

You don't have to google very far to see that plenty of other people on this weird planet seem to swear by the brightening and softening proprieties of a man juice skin mask. 

Tracy gets her semen from an anonymous donor not from sex (...). I could probably have done the same with an assist from Craigslist, but since semen is a body fluid and I did not want to get some sort of face or eye STI, I decided to make use of the semen most readily available to me: my boyfriend's.

Buddy's a good sport. He's up for almost anything. I knew I could ask for the donation without shame, but for some reason I was mortified.

And so it was that in the small hours of the morning I went on covert operation Post Coital Semen Stealing Skin Treatment.  

I got his consent after the fact. Telling him what I was up to I got the following one word response:

Less hot? The actual experience. 

I'm not squicked out by semen, but I will tell you have, gingerly applying it to my precious face skin while my cats watched with great anxiety triggered a case of the yicks.

As the mask began to dry, I felt my face skin pull. I also kept smelling semen and being like "yes, that's your face, you unashamed sex monster."

It also made drinking my morning coffee very, very challenging. 

I am fully aware that cringing over accidentally drinking dried semen when I willingly covered my face with it silly, but what can I say? I am an enigma. A paradox. A woman with semen drying on her face. 

When the mask was completely dry, I instinctively went to peel it off. 

Thankfully I caught myself and just removed it with warm water and soap. 

As I moisturized (hoping to undo whatever spermy damage I may have caused) I was aware of a burning, tingling sensation. It turns out that's because semen is actually CAUSTIC TO YOUR SKIN.

Guess that's where the whole chemical peel part comes into play.

I enjoy a good skin mask as much as the next girl. I mean, I got a shit facial once, so passionate am I about off-the-beaten path beauty. 

But this one isn't worth trying at home. You're better off hitting up Tony Moly for one of their cheap and decidedly not sperm-filled sheet masks. 

Sorry, boyfriend.