Your 5-Step Guide To Finding Out How Much Power You CRAVE — In Bed!

Due to the overwhelming success of 50 Shades of Grey, BDSM has landed on solid footing at the forefront of pop culture.

More than ever, individuals and couples are eager to explore BDSM — but most aren’t sure where to begin.

How can you be sure you don’t hurt each other or overstep boundaries? What’s the best way bring each other’s bondage or other kinky fantasies to life? Which sex games or other ideas should you try first?

The unknowns can be overwhelming.

Here is a step by step guide to easily figure out whether or not BDSM is right for you and, if it is, to determine what "flavor" of kink you prefer.

1. Understand what BDSM is — and what it isn’t.

Before getting started it’s important to understand exactly what BDSM entails. The acronym stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to do ALL of those things to be considered a practitioner. If you only like bondage or just painless dom/sub role-play, that’s still BDSM.

Your activities don’t have to be extreme either. If you’ve had a lover lightly slap your ass, hold down your hands (with your prior consent, of course), or dress in a sexy costume and take control during sex, you’ve already indulged in BDSM.

Most of us have, and more often than we realize.

2. Establish your needs and boundaries.

Many assume BDSM relationships consist of a dominant who controls everything and a submissive who is forced to do things they don’t like. After all, that’s what we see the movies, right?

What we usually don’t see is the pre-negotiation that occurs before each sexy scene.

It’s customary for both partners to discuss their desires and limits in detail so they can construct a scene they both enjoy.

Submissives also call all the shots.

Not only do they lay out exactly what they want their kinky adventure to include, they also have safewords that serve as a “time out." A submissive can call out their safeword whenever they need the action to stop. Continual mutual consent is a cornerstone of BDSM.

This pre-negotiation phase can be surprisingly intimate. Many couples aren’t accustomed to talking about their fantasies in such a frank and detailed manner, and find it actually brings them closer together.

3. Figure out what you enjoy about BDSM.

There is no one-size-fits-all reason people enjoy BDSM. Some like being objectified in a safe, controlled environment. Some live for the endorphin rush that results from pain. Others revel in exerting control over others, or enjoy the freedom BDSM gives, allowing them to shed inhibitions and try things they never would have otherwise.

Whatever the reason, most couples find new, exciting, mutually pleasurable play strengthens bonds and can put the spark back in humdrum sex lives.

Before trying BDSM, you likely won’t know what aspect of it you’ll find most alluring. As you play more with kink (and with each other), you’ll discover more precisely what it is about BDSM you enjoy most. Share and discuss your revelations with your partner and build future sexy scenes around those elements.

4. Experiment with different types of kink.

You may be eager to jump right into the deep end of the kinky pool.

Slow down, partner! There’s no harm in taking things slowly. It’s better to leave your lover wanting more than thrusting too much upon both of you too soon.

Try out different types of scenes on different occasions to see what turns you on most. You may already know if you want to always be dominant or submissive, or you may decide to switch roles depending on your mood. You can plan out the fine details of your scene weeks in advance or 10 minutes before you start playing.

Build your scene using one or more of these elements: sensation play, sensory deprivation, bondage and impact play.

• Sensation Play: This consists of using varying types of sensations on your lover's skin. It’s best to alternate with things that feel very different from each other like soft/scratchy, hot/cold, gentle/pinchy, etc. For example, tease nipples with an ice cube, then give a few gentle snaps with a crop, and follow that up with soft brushes from a tickler. Don’t only concentrate on erogenous zones, use their entire body as your canvas.
• Sensory Deprivation: This is often done in conjunction with sensation play. It involves taking away one or more senses to intensify the remaining ones. Put headphones on your lover or blindfold them. Removing hearing and/or sight will amplify the senses of touch, taste, and smell — making sensation play even more arousing.
• Bondage: Surrendering all control, including the ability to move, is erotically titillating for many submissives. All inclusive bondage sets are versatile enough to allow for a number of different bondage scenarios. The more you can experiment, the more likely you’ll find a position or restraint style that suits you both.
• Impact Play: Striking the body does not have to be painful. There is something to be said, however, for incorporating a little bit of pain in the bedroom. For some, the endorphins released during sexy play transforms mild pain into enjoyable sensations. Start out by striking the thighs and butt (never hit bony areas or soft spots with unprotected organs) with a paddle or flogger. Begin lightly, slowly increasing the intensity as your sub gets warmed up and accustomed to the sensation. These are perfect beginner toys because they aren’t painful if used gently.

You can even incorporate these play types into a role-play (think professor/student, nurse/patient, etc). Some people find role-play allows them to step outside of their normal habits and more easily shed their inhibitions.

5. Aftercare and beyond.

Following each scene, set aside time for aftercare. Intense play can bring about a euphoric or otherwise emotional state of consciousness. Spend time cuddling, talking, and making each other feel as safe and loved as possible after play.

After you take a few bites from the BDSM sampler platter you’ll have a better feel for what it’s all about and if you’d like to explore further.

In the days following a scene, talk with your partner about what you both enjoyed and what you may want to try next time.

You just might find experimenting with BDSM starts you on a journey that brings your lovemaking and emotional intimacy to new heights.