An Open Marriage Can Work — If You Both Agree With 6 Things
Are you willing to put in the work?
themacx, LightFieldStudios | Canva Open marriage has become an increasingly more intriguing subject, especially given the aura of mystery and taboo surrounding the concept of polyamory. Surveys indicate that only about 5% of couples in heterosexual relationships currently choose to open their marriages to allow extramarital relations — yet in a much larger percentage of marriages (30-60%!) at least one partner is choosing to engage in non-consensual forms of infidelity. While scientists are still exploring whether humans are designed to mate for life, this information itself clearly shows the paradoxical and biased attitude our society holds toward non-monogamous relationships. We idealistically aspire to be in a monogamous relationship, yet our actions reveal we may be predisposed to favor ethical non-monogamy.
An open marriage can work — if you both agree with these 6 things:
1. Well-established (and maintained) stability and security
It feels pleasing to know that you are still desired by people who are not your spouse. It's also self-gratifying to have the freedom to act on our various desires, especially in the intimacy domain. Couples who opt for open marriage find themselves enjoying the stability, security, and reassurance of marriage, yet still seeking the excitement, passion, freedom, and thrill an affair brings with it. To develop and nurture safety and trust in an open marriage, each partner must consider the needs, feelings, and preferences of their spouse on an ongoing basis.
2. Mutual consent and continuing honest communication
Often one partner attempts to explore an open marriage to please the other spouse. Unfortunately, this strategy can backfire, since it only considers one side and not both partners. It is important to set clear rules for both partners, as well as to maintain honest communication through which you can keep in touch regarding each other's emotional stability and comfort.
3. An ability to balance time and resources wisely
An open marriage can be a demanding arrangement. There is only so much a person can do in a day. Along with work, kids, and other responsibilities, it's hard to give time to your spouse as well as the person (or people) you are seeing. As you spend more physical and emotional time with another person, you naturally establish a connection, which can decrease the level of intimacy in the marriage. Be sure you can find a healthy balance between your relationships and don't begin to neglect your marriage.
4. Awareness of the green-eyed monster
Studies indicate that more than 80% of couples in open marriages experience jealousy over secondary relationships. Humans are a naturally jealous animal and the ugly green-eyed monster is unavoidable. No matter how understanding your partner might be, the jealousy that exists in open relationships challenges most monogamous marriages as well, causing feelings of insecurity, paranoia, and anxiety. At times, couples end up spying on each other and lack of trust becomes a serious obstacle. The more openly you communicate and the fewer secrets you keep, the less jealousy is likely to encroach on your marital satisfaction.
5. The right reasons
Open relationships require intimate and emotional maturity, yet many individuals engage in open relationships for the "wrong" reasons. Some individuals prefer open relationships. They fear intimacy, because they suffer from deep-rooted childhood damage, or because they have a maladaptive attachment style. Using an open marriage to avoid pressing problems in your current relationship — whether those problems are internal to one partner or an inherent part of the relationship dynamic — is both unethical and unhealthy. Careful consideration of the underlying reasons you are each thinking of having an open relationship is critical to ensuring its success.
6. Openly expressed deeply respected boundaries
When we become attached to someone, our judgment may be negatively impacted. So while rules and boundaries are critical in ANY relationship, some argue that when we want something too much we become too emotional about it, and therefore also more likely to allow those rules to bend or even break. While ground rules and boundary setting may be undertaken with pure intentions, sticking with them can become a slippery slope. It can be hard to disconnect the physical from the emotional. What may start as only intimate engagement may end up emotional, and the other way around. You may begin feeling completely in control of the situation, then suddenly feel yourself overcome by unexpected, uncontrollable desires.
Some couples can pull off an open marriage beautifully, while for others it remains a risky proposition. An open marriage can pose a serious threat to the primary relationship as it brings with it many challenges and unexpected consequences. Both partners in the marriage must have a thorough understanding of the real implications and potential long-term effects from the beginning. If you are seriously considering an open relationship, it is crucial to communicate and set clear ground rules before diving into the adventure of an open marriage. All the best!
Moshe Ratson, Founder and Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage Family Therapy, is an innovative and well-known licensed psychotherapist, MFT supervisor, business consultant, and executive coach.