9 Clear Signs The Love Is Gone From Your Relationship And It's Not Coming Back
Can you get a feeling back?
fizkes / Shutterstock It's hard to imagine a happy marriage without both love and intimacy involved. If you look at just about any romantic comedy out there, there will be a certain level of intimate tension involved. There's that beautiful spark that seems to ignite between both characters in these kinds of movies, and it allows you, as the viewer, to believe everything will be alright.
Of course, rom-coms don't really get the full grip of reality, but there is something there in this regard. Though it's exceedingly rare, there are marriages out there that are totally happy but lack physical closeness. Unfortunately, the majority of these marriages either are or will soon become loveless ones.
People in these kinds of marriages don't always realize this is the case until they're about to leave or cheat — or until they've been left or cheated on. Marriages that lack physical intimacy and loveless marriages have similar features, but there are several crucial differences to consider in determining which category yours falls into.
Here are nine signs you're in a loveless marriage
1. One partner is unhappy with a lack of physical intimacy, and the other doesn't seem to care
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If one-half of the couple isn't happy with the lack of bedroom activities and they keep bringing it up, only to be stonewalled by their partner, it may be a loveless marriage. If their partner still loved them, they would be more like to want to work things out and try to establish a reasonable intimate life.
On the other hand, if both partners are completely happy with the arrangement, it may simply be a marriage between two people who love each other but have mellowed drives.
2. No affection is being shown in other ways
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In this kind of marriage, there may still be physical closeness in the form of cuddling, hugs, hand holding, and the like gifts — and these expressions of affection will go both ways. If it's a one-sided battle to get your partner to show you affection, you may be in a loveless marriage.
When a partner doesn't show affection physically, they may express it in other ways, like through verbal affirmations, quality time, acts of service, or thoughtful gestures. However, a 2023 study concluded that a consistent lack of affection, regardless of the form, can lead to feelings of emotional disconnect, lower relationship satisfaction, and potential issues with intimacy and security within the partnership.
3. At least one partner is constantly lashing out at the other
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Are they doing passive-aggressive things to avoid sleeping with you? Do they actively try to upset you? Do they blame you for every little thing that goes wrong?
If so, it's most likely a marriage that has grown loveless and not just a lack of physical closeness.
4. One partner uses intimacy as a bribe
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In any healthy relationship, physical intimacy will not be used as either a weapon or a bribe. If you find yourself in a relationship where one partner is only willing to be intimate when they can use it to dangle over your head like a carrot, it's likely a loveless relationship.
This is considered a form of intimate partner violence (IPV) where one partner manipulates or pressures the other into unwanted intimate activity to exert power and control within the relationship. A 2018 study found this can involve guilt-tripping, threats, emotional blackmail, or withholding affection to achieve compliance.
5. One or both of you is much happier when the other isn't around
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If it gets to the point where one or both you finds yourselves in a worse mood every time you are together and in a much better mood when you are alone, it may be because the love has gone out of your marriage.
6. You no longer confide in each other
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In a loving marriage, spouses are also best friends who tell each other (pretty much) everything. If you one or both of you no longer confides in the other, whether it's due to a lack of trust or a lack of interest, there's a good chance you're in a loveless marriage.
Not confiding in your partner can negatively impact the relationship, leading to decreased intimacy, trust issues, and potential relationship dissatisfaction. Open communication is considered a crucial element of healthy partnerships. A 2014 study concluded that while some secrecy might be expected, consistently withholding important information can create a barrier to connection and emotional closeness.
7. At least one partner wishes the two of you had never gotten married
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If given the option to go back in time and avoid ever marrying your partner, would you take it?
If the answer is that you would marry them all over again, then you're probably still in love. If the answer for either or both of you is that if you could undo the marriage you would, you're probably in a loveless marriage.
8. At least one partner refuses to even communicate about problems in the relationship
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A healthy relationship is one where you feel comfortable talking about almost anything with your partner.
If your partner refuses to talk about the lack of physical intimacy in the bedroom, constantly blames you or deflects things on you, and/or won't discuss any of the problems in your relationship, it may be that they no longer love you.
Research from a review published in Communication Monographs refers to the act of refusing to communicate about relationship problems as stonewalling, which is considered a highly damaging communication pattern often associated with unhealthy or abusive relationships. It involves withdrawing from conversation, shutting down emotionally, and giving silent treatment to avoid addressing issues, usually leading to increased frustration and conflict for the other partner.
9. One partner often contemplates or threatens divorce
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Have you been considering leaving them, or do one or both of you throw the "d" word out during fights or times of stress? Simply put, if that's the case, the chances of your relationship only lacking physical closeness rather than loveless are very slim.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.