A Letter To The Man Who Broke My Heart: I Need Some Answers
I'm not trying to change your mind. I have accepted your decision. All I'm seeking is clarity.
weheartit Dear You,
I've been meaning to ask you this but wasn't sure when the right time would be. This isn't an effort to make you regret your decision or remind you that I would do anything to be with you one day. Some time has passed and the last night we saw each other there were a lot of things running through my head.
All I could think about is, "Is this really happening?" or "What can I do to stop this?" In that moment I wasn't able to fully listen because I was bombarded by my own thoughts and just felt that everything was ending so fast and sudden.
So here I am, ready and fully present to hear you. I am here to clarify your motives.
From that night I remember you saying that we wouldn't spend the rest of our lives together and I also remember you saying you don't want to be tied down right now. Those two reasons are very different.
You have always been a strong believer in saying "the future is uncertain" and it is. I know that — especially now. To tell me that you know we won't one day end up together is a very powerful statement because it is so absolute and definite.
I don't know if you realized what you said to me and what that meant: we will never end up together (emphasis on "never"). You are completely cutting off the idea now and forever. By you saying that, you limit even your own chances if you were to one day change your mind or reconsider.
So did you mean that? Or was your reason for ending our relationship because you want and need to be alone and in this time in your life you can't be tied down?
I know we're young and we have many things ahead of us. There are certain things we have to do as individuals. We need to discover ourselves and be happy. Live life. I get that.
I know you'll be graduating soon enough, you will want to travel, you will need to find a job. Maybe you felt like you had to do it on your own and not feel like your opportunities were restricted. Maybe you felt you had to focus on yourself.
As I've told you in the past, I want you to feel like the world is yours and nothing can stop you. You deserve it all and I don't want you to resent me one day for being a barrier in your future because that's how much you mean to me.
Part of me would like to tell myself it's circumstantial because the transition into the adult world can be overwhelming. I would understand if you told me, "Right now I can't be with you. I want to be alone and I have to figure things out but who knows what will happen."
Because isn't that the truth? Who knows what will happen? Who knows what our future has in store for us? We can't predict the future.
Part of me thinks maybe you said "we wouldn't end up together" because you'd feel guilty if you told me there's a chance and then it doesn't work out. Or that you would think if you left it open-ended, I would be consumed by that chance and would want to work toward achieving that — meaning you'd think I would want to talk/hang out, and as a result we wouldn't truly separate and grow as individuals.
But no, I wouldn't let that happen. It's important for us to have time alone and figure out what we want.
If things are meant to be they will work out at some point and if not, they won't. For now I have to respect your feelings and also figure out my own life.
I don't want you to worry you can't leave your heart open to me. I wouldn't want you to think you had to shut out the idea of us because you'd be afraid to hurt me if it doesn't work out in the future.
Why limit your possibilities? Why not let life take its course? People change and grow. We will mature. Things happen. So we have no way to know what we will feel in the future. All we know is how we feel in the moment. You might feel this way now but what if you change your mind?
Sure, I can hope one day you come back to me but I can't expect anything. In simple terms, I need to know why you felt you had to end our relationship. Did you end it because you don't know what you want? Maybe with us? Maybe in life? Did you end it because you want to see what life is like without me?
I'm not trying to change your mind. I have accepted your decision. All I'm seeking is clarity.
Sincerely,
Me