My Suicide Attempt Doesn't Make Me Unlovable
I thought what I had done meant I didn't deserve love.
Gal2007, Welcome to Iva’s world, skynesher | Canva When I was fourteen years old, I tried to kill myself.
Whether my brain chemistry, raging hormones, a recent breakup, or chronic low self-esteem were to blame, I can't say for certain. Often, depression doesn't seem to need a reason. Like an uninvited house guest, it simply shows up when it wants to.
I swallowed a bottle of extra-strength painkillers (that I had been carrying around for a week) and waited for them to take effect. I had never felt more numb.
Tears moved down my face but I didn't feel sad. I walked around outside in five-degree weather wearing a t-shirt, but I couldn't feel the goosebumps that I saw on my arms. I felt nothing. I was the same way before I had taken the pills. My depression ravaged every feeling out of me. I couldn't access any of it.
Had it not been for an amazing friend who managed to track me down, I wouldn't be alive today to write these words. I was admitted to a children's hospital and was put on suicide watch for a number of days.
It felt like prison-lite. No belts. No shoelaces. No metal cutlery. For some reason, I was the only child on the unit who wasn't allowed to use metal cutlery, and the other kids looked at me as if I were extra dangerous because of my plastic utensils. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel like a bit of a boss for getting special treatment, even in this context.
The worst part was seeing the looks on my parents' faces during visiting hours.
Before seeing their faces, I had managed to convince myself that they would be better off without me. Truly, I thought I was doing them a favor when I sat down and started ingesting those pills. In truth, the loss would have affected the course of their entire lives. Every time people asked them how many children they had, a lump would appear in their throats, even decades later.
When they visited me in the hospital, their eyes were already red from crying. They looked more exhausted and in pain than I felt, and I felt immediately guilty. "This is the pain that you cause people," my mind scolded me.
Looking back on today, it's difficult for me to grasp the thought processes that I remember going through.
One of my absolute greatest fears was that, since I was more prone to anxiety and depression than others, I would forever be difficult to love. I worried that I would be a burden to any partner whom I managed to lure into my life. More than that, I felt deeply unlovable.
This is how shame works its way into our hearts.
Guilt says we did something bad (i.e. "Your actions caused your parents pain"), whereas shame says that we are inherently bad (as in, "You only bring pain to your parent's lives because you're a terrible person").
It has been fifteen years since I tried to take my own life (my first and only attempt). What I've learned since then is that not only are we lovable despite our flaws, darkness, and mental health issues, but we're lovable with those things. Furthermore, we're often the most lovable and we feel we deserve to love the least. Our pain and darkness are what deserve love first.
Our relationships (intimate and otherwise) are all brought into our lives for the ultimate purpose of healing.
With the people that we meet and attract, we're shown parts of ourselves that we didn't know existed. Everyone you know acts as a mirror to you and is an opportunity to help you heal something that you have difficulty facing.
Since my suicide attempt, I've had the good fortune of being loved by some of the most incredibly compassionate women I could have ever dreamt of. And their collective message was the same: While your darkness doesn't define you, it ultimately makes you shine that much brighter in the world.
Your struggles have made you who you are as a person. The depth of pain that you experience gives you that much more empathy and compassion for others who are in pain.
Every experience you have ever been through has only served to make you grow, to make you more resilient, and to make you more compassionate to the experiences of others. Everything you've been through, whether it was immediately apparent or not, was a gift.
Regardless of any mental health struggles you've experienced in your lifetime, you're still worthy of love and belonging. Nothing will ever change that or take that truth away from you.
If I can leave you with one message that you can strap to your metaphorical shield on your darkest days, it would be this: You are beautiful, complete, and whole. You are worthy. You are lovable. Always.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, there is a way to get help. Please call or text the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.
Jordan Gray is a five-time #1 Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice behind him. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and more.