HOW You Orgasm Can Actually RUIN Your Sex Life (Yes, Seriously!)

I know, seems strange right? How in the world could having an orgasm ruin your sex life? After all, having an orgasm is the hallmark of truly great sexual experience, right? 

Well, I’ve learned a lot over the years leading sex toy parties where I educate women about self-care, sex, and the perks of sex toy play. I know a ton about what makes women tick in the bedroom. And most women think of orgasm as just one "big bang."  They don't view orgasm as an experience or a journey. It's either an elusive, unachievable secret OR it's a 'get off as hard and fast as you can' goal to reach. 

Climax has become queen in the bedroom and it's what most women think of as the ideal orgasmic experience they want to achieve.

One crazy night, with a turned on room of women, the orgasmic climax curse appeared. The conversation turned quickly to achievement and the goal of getting off fast. One of the things I noticed the most, women were all about expressing about getting off and I mean really getting off fast. It became a hot bed of who was the best.  

This particular night was wilder than normal, and trust me, I attempted to tame the wild horses, but I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. The wild ride had the entire process of orgasmic pleasure and the journey to orgasm eliminated from the conversation and replaced by achievement. I saw the room begin to spin with chaotic energy and the women lost focus and became over excited about climax.

So, when I say your orgasm could be ruining your sex life, what I mean is your competitive drive to climax, get off and then fall asleep is likely dampening the full experience of well-rounded sex. That perspective may even be ruining your sex life. 

Why? Because every peak always has a valley, and at some point the valley may feel very low and treacherous. By focusing on just the climax of orgasm and pinning all of your hopes and satisfaction on the ride to the top, you're setting yourself up for a crash sooner than you think.

Instead, think of orgasm like a metaphor to a workout, like a form of fitness. There is a warm up, workout and a cool down. And when the workout is really on target, there's a lot to experience before you reach peek exhaustion. 

There are stages to your orgasm that you're missing out on.

There are stages and parts to the orgasmic experience that require women to be still, quiet, and present. It's not at all about going over the top. Although, I will not take that experience away from you, I just ask that you re-frame your approach and think about shifting from a focus on climax to experiencing orgasm in stages and phases.

Life changes. Bodies shift. And, relationships face challenges. When you only have one tool in your sexual arsenal — the power of getting off and lighting up like fireworks on the 4th of July — you may very well face a huge reality check later when things get challenging.  

When we're young and healthy and the juices are flowing, it's easy to maintain a climax-based sex life. When you're in a new relationship, sex is a very hot, fast ride to the top. But, as soon as stress, relationship challenges, family, marriage, money and hormonal shifts filter in, you may find yourself without pleasure.

Here are the four stages of orgasm, although, I personally believe there are five:

Stage 1: The Warm Up

Warming up to sex is all part of the fun! This is your chance to get in tune with your body. Most of the time, women are somewhere else, in our heads, doing dishes, worrying about the kids or feeling self-critical. As a result, sex doesn't really get our full attention and the speed of the orgasm (too fast, or too slow) can ruin the experience.  

Don’t let your mind (and the need for a fast fix) ruin your pleasure. The warm up is a crucial part of orgasm because it's based on touch, scent and sight. It warms up the engine for sexual pleasure and gets your body ready and prepared to open up. When you rush this part of the journey, you're asking your body to leap-frog essential needed to experience amazing waves of orgasmic energy. The body must first receive the sensations and then prepare for more feeling. 

Stage 2: The Turn-On 

In your turn on stage, you feel ready to rock and roll. Your body starts to feel more alive, your breathing deepens, your back may begin to arch and your heart opens. Essentially, the waves of orgasmic energy, generated by sensation, begin to lift through your body from your pelvis, and you may experience the desire to sigh or make sounds. 

But, if you're overly fixated on getting to the top of the mountain, you may miss some of the amazing feelings generated in the turn-on stage. Skipping over this stage and missing the experience is like doing shots at the bar and passing out an hour later. You miss the entire experience of the night's fun and pleasure.  

Stage 3: Plateau

I know it sounds boring and dull, but this stage is a resting phase where your body begins to integrate the orgasmic energy and open up for the grand finale. After all of the sensation and pleasure you've experienced, plateau is the time and place for your partner to fill in the gaps. 

Take the chance to rest and let go as your body unwinds tension. In this phase, your partner can receive the pleasure of your full juicy turn on. And you can begin to sync up your energy and get ready for take off to the high peaks of climax.

Stage 4: Climax

OK, so now you’ve waited and created the space for a healthy and natural climax to happen. In this case, you'll be really surprised at what you may find. The experience is like no other and many times can not at all be duplicated. 

Let’s put it this way, this is not your average climax. Space opens all around you and your body shifts into a melting pot of amazing undulating waves of energy, and you may ejaculate. Anything is possible at this stage. You may even find yourself entering some amazing altered states of consciousness (Don't worry, it's safe).

Stage 5: The Aftermath

After all of this delicious and amazing sex, you've finally overcome "the climax curse." The aftermath stage is full of amazing energy. In this phase, creativity becomes a powerful asset. Women sometimes fall into a deep sleep, clean the entire house, ask for more loving, or merely lie in a state of altered bliss. 

The aftermath is the space in which we receive the energy waves that sex offers without stimulation or touch. It's like a resting posture where the body can relax and fully let go. So, enjoy. 

Remember: You're in charge of the experiences you have in your sex life. Your orgasm becomes a glorious experience when you embrace its full spectrum of pleasure, instead of treating it like a quick fix moment.

For more info visit Dr. Pam at www.sacredosexuality.com.