Why I Refuse To Give My Husband Blow Jobs
The reason why is way more complicated than you think.
megaflopp / Shutterstock There are a lot of experts in the field of sex and dating and relationships who will tell you oral sex is mandatory. That whether or not you like doing it, it's part of being a thoughtful partner, and every once in a while you have to suck it up and go down. (Pardon the pun.)
I'm here to tell you that this is bullsh*t. Sex acts, any sex acts at all, should only ever be entered into by people who aren't only willing, but enthusiastic.
Or at the very least, not made miserable by the experience.
When I was fourteen, I learned there was such a thing as "oral rape." I learned this, unfortunately, because I was victim of this act and it left a permanent impression on me.
Although I've been able to overcome the majority of my sexual hang-ups as a result of being a sexual abuse survivor, this is one I haven't found myself willing to confront aggressively.
Not only because it's so thoroughly triggering that even the thought of performing fellatio can send me into a days long emotional tailspin, but because honestly, it's not even worth it.
Porn lied to us from the first time we watched it. Oral sex isn't standard foreplay. Blow jobs aren't a prerequisite for sex.
Sucking dick is as much a sexual preference as doing it doggy style or whatever vibrator you pick out at the store.
But from watching porn, you'd think it's impossible to have any kind of sex, with anybody, without going down on someone first.
The notion that oral sex is mandatory is just plain laughable. If you don't like doing it, don't freakin' do it.
Yes, I have a partner who's understanding and compassionate when it comes to my own trauma, but he doesn't act as though he's making some sort of massive sacrifice by not demanding head three days a week and twice on Sundays.
Every time we've ever discussed oral sex, or a lack thereof, he's told me the same thing: "The sexiest thing you ever do is love what you're doing to me."
There's nothing sexier than somebody going to town on your body and loving every second of it, and there isn't a person on this earth who would rather have a sad, resentful blow job than some crazy, enthusiastic, orgasmic sex act performed with joyful gusto.
I don't give my husband blow jobs, but I love to have sex with him.
I love doing filthy, naughty things that even describing in any other circumstances would make me blush.
I love talking dirty and experimenting with new ways to pleasure him because I love it when the sex is great.
He loves it when the sex is great, too.
And yes, that means I'll lay back and enjoy unreciprocated oral sex for however long he wants to go down, because he's enjoying it and I'm enjoying that he's enjoying it.
And me choking down on his dick and maybe crying or puking afterward?
That's fun for nobody. That's sexy for neither of us. There's way more fun to be had without the hassle.
I'm not a defective partner because I don't reciprocate oral sex.
I'm not a selfish partner. I'm not a lazy partner. I just don't suck his penis.
And both of us are totally cool with that.
Lea Grover is a writer and speaker living on Chicago's south side. Her writing has been featured in numerous anthologies, including "Listen To Your Mother: What She Said Then, What We're Saying Now," and on websites like Cosmopolitan, AlterNet, and Woman's Day. Visit her website for more.