How To Move On After Divorce Makes You Question Who You Are
Yes, you can get yourself out of the depths of despair.
Raul Varzar/unsplash Divorce is an upheaval of all that was and all that made your life make sense. The misery that comes with all the change is profound and sometimes you may feel like you don't even know who you are.
But, staying stuck in the misery is optional. You can learn how to move on and make it through the divorce process. You can experience happiness again — maybe even find love, too.
Before you can learn how to let go of the past and move on with your life after divorce, you need to understand what misery is. Then, you can do something about it.
Misery is an S.O.S. from your soul. It's a result of feeling alone, stifled, overwhelmed, and scared.
You may have been alone during your marriage when one or the other of you had a business trip, took a quick trip to visit family, or even relaxed on a solo vacation with friends.
But being alone is entirely different when you're divorced.
Before, there was the knowledge that you would be together again. Now, it's a fact that you won't. There won't be a homecoming or an end to you being on your own without your ex this time.
However, no matter how uncomfortable being alone might feel to you right now, it's just the result of you coming to terms with the new order of things in your life.
Being alone means more than being without your ex. Alone also means freedom — freedom to do things your way, to make your own decisions, even to parent as you see fit.
You're probably also going through a huge change in how you live your life. Now, you've got less money available, rules about when you parent, and maybe even a change of residence.
Even without the divorce, these are big changes you're facing.
On the surface, you might consider your life as less than it was. But, it's this superficial view that is making you feel stifled and trapped.
During your marriage, you and your ex probably chose the divide and conquer tactic for getting chores done, taking care of your family, and earning enough income.
Now, you get to do it all. And that's a lot to have suddenly dropped squarely on your shoulders. Then, on top of that is doing what you must to complete the legal process of divorce.
This is probably an unfamiliar territory for you and figuring out how to meet the demands of the legal process on top of trying to keep your life together is understandably overwhelming.
Change is scary. You might be feeling anxious because of all the losses you've suffered.
You might be scared of what you have to do to get your life back on track. You might be scared because you don't know what the future holds for you.
You might simply just be terrified by all of it!
The thing is that at the root of all these fears is negative thinking that changes your situation into a terrifying horror story.
Taken on their own, each of these emotions (loneliness, stifled, overwhelm, and fear) is challenging. When you experience them all at once, the result is often soul-crushing despair.
However, your situation isn't as hopeless as it might seem to you right now.
The secret to getting out of being stuck in the muck of misery is to recognize that you can deal with each of these four emotions separately.
By doing so, you loosen the bonds of your despair and move forward toward being genuinely happy again.
With that said, there are 6 ways you can move on from your miserable divorce.
1. Focus on your independence and how it supports you in creating your new life
While coping with divorce, you'll discover that you can shift from feeling alone and lonely to self-confident.
You'll likely even begin to enjoy being by yourself so you can do things that nourish your mind, body, and soul.
2. Look deeper at your situation
You'll see you've still got some choices, even if they're decisions between alternatives you don't especially like.
When you have freedom of choice, you can never be truly trapped.
3. Have some "me time"
Dealing with divorce can be stressful. So, take at least 5 minutes (20 minutes two times a day would be ideal) every day to do something that re-energizes you and helps you to feel more connected to life.
You can try yoga, meditation, running, or even walking outside to hug a tree.
By grounding yourself daily during your me-time, you'll discover you have more energy and brainpower to more easily tackle all that you face.
4. Do what must be done first and be willing to let your definition of 'must' change
During your marriage, there were two of you to get everything done and so the things on the must-do list could be a bit broader.
But now that you're on your own, you must become ruthless about what must-do means now if you're going to stop feeling overwhelmed.
5. Ask for help
Moving on won't be possible without some assistance. So, ask for very specific help when there are more must-do's than you can ever hope to accomplish on your own.
The reason your requests must be specific is that it allows you to remain in control of your situation.
If you simply ask for help in general, you run the risk of setting yourself up as a victim and undermining your ability to step powerfully into your new life.
6. Take 10 deep breaths and ask yourself some positive 'what if' questions
Have you ever noticed that you're most afraid when you ask yourself negative 'what if' questions? ("What if I never find a job?" or "What if I am alone for the rest of my life?")
By taking 10 calming breaths and then asking yourself positive "what if" questions ("What if I ask my friends to help me find an amazing job?" or "What if I heal from my divorce and meet an incredible person?"), you'll redirect your thoughts to the positive possibilities.
And you'll aim yourself toward taking the necessary actions to make your life better, quiet the fears, and get you unstuck.
By putting these tips into daily practice, you'll soon find yourself letting go and moving toward what you want in your life instead of feeling miserable about what isn't there anymore.
You'll gradually recognize that although you still feel some pain and grief about your divorce, you aren't consumed by it.
And, don't worry if you do feel miserable from time to time after you start feeling better. It's normal to feel like you're going backwards every now and again.
You've developed a bit of a habit of feeling alone, stifled, overwhelmed and scared. So, it will be a bit unfamiliar at first to shift your thinking and actions to one of responding positively to an S.O.S. from your soul.
But, the more you practice taking care of yourself, looking for solutions and changing your thoughts to positive "what if's" the less miserable you'll feel.
Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce coach and divorce survivor who helps people who are dealing with the pain of divorce. You can join her anonymous newsletter group for free advice or email her for a free consultation.