One Man And One Woman Argue, Which Is Better: Sex Or Donuts?

It's a debate between pleasure and even greater pleasure, depending on your perspective. Both have their own unique merits and dark, sticky, unfortunate sides.

So to help our readers choose their side, we've staged our own Lincoln-Douglas debate on the subject with Joanna Schroeder making the case for donut superiority, while Tom Burns defends the universal appeal of sex. We broke their debate into 7 categories, with each side offering their own point-counterpoint for their pleasure of choice.

1. Health

Winner: SEX! I'm not even going to get into how sex burns calories, because I'm sure that point can be debated and NO ONE wants to disclose exactly how athletic they're getting in the bedroom. "Just lying there" is a questionable form of cardio. What I will say is that sex plays a huge role in humanity's overall health and wellness.

In high school, do you know why I took showers, got haircuts, kept myself generally fit, and dressed myself in anything other than sweatpants? Because I wanted to get laid. Call it "positive peer pressure," but the outside chance of potential sex is an amazing motivator to brush your teeth and not stink. If only donuts could say the same.

Counterpoint for donuts: While I concede that eating a donut doesn't count as exercise, I think it's important to note that being happy is good for your health. While we have to insert the obligatory "Don't eat a zillion donuts, that's not healthy" here, eating a donut or two makes me happy, which then lowers my stress level, which then reduces my chances of a heart attack. Or something like that.

And if we're talking about stress, the idea of all the things you had to do to get laid sounds pretty stressful. A donut may have been the healthier choice.

2. Cleanliness

Winner: DONUTS! I've had frosting all over my mouth. I've had sprinkles stuck in my bra. I've arrived at work with crumbs in my hair. But I've never, ever had to take a shower after eating a donut. What's more, never has a donut stain been a major piece of evidence in a House Judiciary Committee for the impeachment of a President.

Counterpoint for sex: I mean, for starters, if you're not showering after you eat donuts, you're not eating donuts right. When I shame-eat my donuts, it gets messy. There are tears and custard and powdered sugar. It gets rough. But I won't hold your amateur shame-eater status against you.

As I mentioned earlier, sex keeps the world clean. People bathe because of sex. People groom because of sex. Remember the pubic hair of past eras, for both men and women? We've streamlined, trimmed, and improved that whole region thanks to our overall desire to keep it clean, keep it smooth, and not get hair in our teeth.

Does sex get dirty? Totally. But getting more sex is also the reason why we shower afterwards. I care about what my sexual partner thinks of me. I don't care what the guy behind the counter at Tim Horton's thinks, so, ultimately, sex keeps me way cleaner than pastry ever could.

3. Pleasure

Winner: SEX! I've had some great donuts before. Really outstandingly delicious donuts. Like when you drive by a Krispy Kreme and their "hot donuts" sign is on, and you get a glazed donut still warm and gooey and soft from the oven? On my god, SO good. But, you know, then there's cumming. Mic drop.

Counterpoint for donuts: Hard to top that, I know, but as a woman I have to point out that not all sexual encounters guarantee us an orgasm. But every encounter with a donut guarantees me that deep, profound, mind-blowing taste explosion.

4. Sleep​

Winner: DONUTS! As far as I know, nobody has ever been roused from sleep by an invitation to eat a donut. What's more, as far as I know, nobody has ever endured the withering gaze of her partner as she fell asleep on the couch while watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. instead of eating a donut.

No, donuts are happy to let you sleep. Donuts don't mind waiting until tomorrow, or even next week. Even if they get a little stale you can just pop them in the microwave for ten seconds. Voila!

Counterpoint for sex: Well, now I'm embarrassed to admit how many times I've woken my spouse to ask, "Hey, want me to go to Krispy Kreme?" My personal shame aside, let's be honest about donuts: they don't make you sleepy. Donuts are most commonly eaten as a breakfast food. They're a wake-up treat. They're what you eat after sleep.

But sex inspires sleep. Sex makes us sleepy. Granted, be cool about it. Getting off and passing out is incredibly rude. But after a mutually satisfying night of "wink, wink, nudge, nudge," it can make you beautifully, blissfully sleepy. The bed is warm, you just had a workout, you've got snuggling ahead of you. Maybe you're debating who's going to be the big or the little spoon. It's delightful.

5. Shame

Winner: SEX! Sex is all about vulnerability. Even if you're clad in steel and latex and your partner is locked in a cage, both of you at that moment are being pretty vulnerable. You're putting yourself out there. You're partnering up with someone, and in the best case scenario, you're both letting your freak flag fly.

There's no reason to feel any shame. You're both exposed. And if you can't perform as well as you would've liked, hey, that other person still consented to rub and poke and tickle with you before they knew the outcome, so that's still a win. A disappointment, sure, but definitely a win. Donuts, on the other hand, aren't vulnerable at all. They're indulgent, solitary pleasures. Donuts are all about building walls and isolating yourself from the rest of humanity.

Kelly Oxford once famously tweeted, "One of the rudest things you can do is make eye contact with someone eating McDonald's in their car." Same thing goes for donuts. We eat donuts in the dark out of shame. We have sex in the dark to bring us closer together.

Counterpoint for donuts: With full acknowledgement of thin privilege here, there's no place in the Bible where God tells you not to eat donuts before marriage. Nor is there any mention of exactly what types of donuts you're allowed to eat, or the punishment for eating the wrong ones (though I concede that if you're keeping Kosher this could become complicated).

But there are no religious cults protesting outside Krispy Kreme because they feature a less-typical flavor. No young girls pledge to their fathers in creepy religious ceremonies that they will not eat a donut outside of marriage. The government doesn't fund totally ineffective abstinence-only programs that teach kids to never, ever, ever eat a donut.

But sex? Well, sex is fraught with shame. In this society, you have to do sex exactly the way your great-grandparents (supposedly) did it: With your spouse of the opposite sex, probably missionary style, and only to have babies. Donuts? Eat those all over town! Shove them in your face in front of your pastor, be a woman and openly enjoy your donut. Eat two donuts at once! Your donut won't be too short, it won't be too long, and it won't invite the scorn of your parents.

6. Privacy

Winner: DONUTS! Most people don't require privacy to eat a donut. In fact, people are encouraged to eat donuts in public. It's legal, it's considered fun, people gather in groups when the lights flash "HOT DONUTS," and they all eat them together.

Nobody has to refrain from eating donuts because their kids are around. You've probably never had to be quiet while eating a donut because your children (or parents) were in the house. Donuts are a pleasure that can be had basically anywhere.

Counterpoint for sex: I think we're approaching this from completely different angles. Yes, you can have donuts anywhere. Do you know what that makes me think? Yawn. How boring is that? Don't we all want something in our lives that's a little more intimate, personal, and private than the equivalent of a McDonald's apple pie?

Yes, donuts have less privacy concerns than sex, but that's because they're so thematically bland. Sex is awesome because we want to keep it private. We close doors, we shut blinds, we put up our privacy guards, and then we do stuff that's so amazing that we want to keep it private.

So sure, eat a donut anywhere. Post videos of yourself eating donuts without fear of scandalizing your parents. Me? I'll be behind this closed door with my loved one, reveling in the fact that I have a little privacy in my life.

7. Variety

Winner: SEX! This might seem like an easy win for donuts, but those racks of shelves at Dunkin Donuts simply can't compete with the infinite variety and depravity of what the human mind can imagine can be done with the human body. Have you seen the width and breadth and specificity of porn on the internet today? And it's not just a recent thing.

Thousands of years ago, the authors of the Kama Sutra were like, "Hey, what if you stood on your head, brought in a trapeze, and tried THIS?" Even if you're a hardcore devotee of the missionary position, even if you never try anything else, just knowing that you have the option — just know how many things you could do with your body in the noble pursuit of selfish, selfish pleasure — should fill you with pride in your species.

Counterpoint for donuts: You basically did my work for me here Tom, because despite the fact that this variety of sex exists, most people aren't swinging from a trapeze. That's a lot of work.

But donuts! The variety is right there at your fingertips, even if you're married. Glazed donut isn't mad when you eat sprinkles. Chocolate eclair has no problem with you venture out to sample something new and exciting like salted caramel. You want a new flavor of donut? You're just a short walk or drive away, no hard feelings.

Overall winner with 4/7 points: SEX!