4 Things Your Man Feels Incredibly Insecure About — But Won't Tell You
Support him when he is ready for the first step.
Andrej Lisakov | Unsplash Many of us feel some measure of insecurity when dealing with life. But when it comes to relationships, there are unique insecurities that men struggle with, in particular. But being the men they are (and by that I mean, living in a culture that doesn't support men in sharing their insecurities), they'll never tell you about them. So, I will. Because the insecure man in your life (if you truly love him) needs you to understand how much he struggles with these things.
You see, insecure men live with a quiet, gnawing fear rather than a confident, positive intention. If your man can't (or won't) replace his fearful view with an optimistic outlook, his insecurity will remain, holding him and your relationship back. Self-improvement begins with his willingness to imagine and create different possibilities for his life. And the way out of darkness is to turn on a light. You can help him by showing him compassion, support, and understanding.
Here are 4 things your man feels incredibly insecure about — but won't tell you:
1. He's worried he's not enough for you
He wants to please you. If your man feels he's not pleasing you, it generates self-doubt and insecurity. The "I'm not good enough" complex also relates to fear and insecurity he's not good enough sexually. He worries he can't "please you" in bed. This often comes partly because men typically orgasm before women. Usually, after your man is finished, his sexual desire and energy lower, compromising his ability to keep going and please you. It's not always solely his problem, however. Often, women can have sexual insecurities that inhibit them from being sexually aroused enough, which causes them to take longer to orgasm. If your man takes on more of the responsibility to please you in bed, he also likely takes on more of the shame of poor sexual relations within your relationship.
2. He's scared he'll lose you
Your partner's insecurity of not being good enough leads him down a road of fear — fear of losing you or that you'll have an affair. From this place of fear, he can go in one of two directions: becoming passive and indecisive in the relationship or controlling and possessive. Or, he may cycle through a combination, switching from the extremes of passive and aggressive. Sound familiar? It's men's insecurities that lead to passivity or controlling jealous behaviors.
Whatever we focus on, we create the likelihood of it happening in our reality. By focusing on our insecurities (thinking that helps us avoid them) we illuminate them on the unconscious level. We tend to focus on what we don't want to happen, yet where our mind (focus and attention) goes — we go. And thus, in time, your man might accidentally create the very experience he fears: losing you.
Photo: voronaman via Shutterstock
3. He secretly needs your approval (and help)
Clinical psychologist Dr. Joseph Nowinski points out that with insecurity comes a form of dependence on others to look good and "do for me." Is your man dependent on you for his well-being and making him look good? If he doesn't feel good about himself, he'll likely make you responsible for his inadequacies and vulnerabilities.
There's a likelihood he'll demand you do things he feels he can't do for himself or want you to look a certain way to earn him respect amongst other men. Whether in passive or aggressive ways, his need for approval can simmer under the foundation of your relationship unless he cultivates authentic confidence in himself.
4. His own emotions scare him
As they grow up, boys learn and become conditioned not to feel, to distance themselves from their emotions. "Boys don't cry." "Suck it up." "Don't be a sissy." He's insecure about showing his emotions (even to you), so he has little emotional strength. He doesn't know what to do with his emotions because he's been conditioned to shut them down and tune them out. As a result, he often won't know what to do with yours.
Author David Deida cites that a superior man knows how to "be" with emotions and is comfortable with penetrating your mood. Your man may struggle with this because it's foreign and thus, it's uncomfortable. Rather than admit this, he hides from his own emotions and negates your emotions. Even when he truly wishes to connect with you.
To overcome one's insecurities, a person must first admit them.
This means telling the truth to yourself about yourself and then sharing this truth with another. But know this, ladies: your love and enabling ways won't diminish his insecurities; it only keeps them going. Being supportive and accepting help, but your man must find the will to step up to the plate and do his inner work for his insecurities to fade.
The more he feels he can trust himself and find confidence in his skin, the more he'll trust you and talk about his insecurities. Support him when he's ready, but the first step is his.
David Schroeder, LMSW, CPC is a licensed and spiritual social worker, certified life transition coach, and author of 'Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey.'