Nice Guys: Stop Doing THESE Too-Nice Things Now!
Nice is nice, but too nice is unattractive!
Bill Pullman was a trooper. He was the consummate nice guy that was so nice that he lacked the intrigue, buzz or wonder that women were looking for. In some cases, he got the girl in the end, but it was only after she came to her senses and realized that who she wanted was there all along! Happy endings all around.
That was then, and this is now. And now, we have Bill Hader. I was able to see Trainwreck this weekend, and besides being the funniest movie I've seen in several years, I got a nice look at what a nice guy does and should do. In the world of dating and relationships, being the "nice" guy can often be seen as a hang-up.
Yet if they just avoided a few pratfalls, they can end up being the best dang boyfriends and future husbs on the planet, like Bill Hader, such as:
1) Don't feel the need to be the planner and payer all the time!
Yes, it is nice and chivalrous men that arrange creative dates and pick up the tab for dinner. These are things that have gotten lost in the dating equation over the last 20 years, and they do require a resuscitation of sorts. That said, nice guys must also embrace the idea of "give and let give." There is a feeling people get when they are able to do for others, and we must allow others to feel this as well. In a lot of cases.
However, the nice guy does not factor this in. They want to be the answer to every question, and in doing so, they do not allow their date or significant other that same feeling of giving. What's more, to a lot of people, it's an important way for them to feel like they are contributing to the relationship. So nice guys, embrace the "give and let give' mantra - even if it hurts or makes you uncomfortable at times to do so.
2) Don't be conflict avoidant.
Example: Nice guy Bill sees a potential squabble with his partner and reacts in kind. His reaction, however, is to not react or to agree for the sake of avoiding an argument. To all of you, Bill's in this scenario while this approach may avoid an unpleasant moment. It also avoids healthy tension and the alleviation of the real problem at hand. And as we constantly avoid, we allow built-up anger from within while also creating a false sense of relationship security going forward.
Bill's girlfriend on the other side - we'll call her Meg - either believes things have been solved, or she sees his hesitancy to tackle the issue and get's turned off and angry. So nice guys: Tension is healthy. So are arguments when they are infrequent but handled in transparent, respectful and timely fashion.
3) Don't by overly attentive in bed.
Translation: Don't ask if your partner "feels good" during sex. Don't keep changing positions because they are not moaning every six seconds. Don't hesitate to grab your partner and thrust them into the wall for a quickie. One of the worst things that some nice guys do is over-engineer the bedroom experience because they want to ensure a nice experience for their partner.
Mindfulness, attentiveness and unselfishness are hot! Overdoing it in these areas makes for an awkward, uneven and overly staged experience that is ice cold. (Disclaimer: Of course none of this advice is relevant unless your partner is ready and in fact wants to have sex!) So nice guys, don't overthink, over-ask or over-analyze in the bedroom. Be mindful, and be in the moment!
The end.
Well, not really. I would not be doing my due diligence if I did not pay proper homage to Trainwreck and its hilarious cast! Go. See. This. Movie. Seriously. What are you waiting for?