How To Stop Feeling Powerless When Your Man Disappears
He wooed and pursued you, and now he's gone.
Getty Do you feel completely turned upside down, perplexed as to how the relationship you’re in went south? Was he once all about you, telling you that he could see himself with you forever, that you were everything he was always looking for in a woman, and now, he’s avoiding you?
When he disappears or pulls back, it's an awful and baffling feeling. Many people have experienced the exact same thing more than once, so you are definitely not alone.
But if you want to stop stressing out over emotionally unavailable men in general and this relationship in particular, and if you want to stop feeling powerless, you need to change your vibe and take back your power.
Here's what to do when he disappears, and how to change the way you approach men and relationships.
1. Let him go.
The feeling of being bonded to a man is a powerful force. I know how deep your feelings go right now. I know how connected you feel to him and how much you have come to rely on him as a safe and nurturing place where you can explore your worth as a woman.
After all, he presented himself to be a safe harbor for you. He made himself available to you from the get-go, so that you felt appreciated and adored in a way that you may never have before.
It felt like he was some king who had come in on his gallant steed to save you from life. That kind of link is very hard to break — it almost feels like you let him in so deeply, you no longer know where you end and he begins.
He has become a real part of you, and now, you are panicking about the fact that you might (literally) lose yourself when he disappears completely.
2. Take your power back and change the relationship.
Though this bond is a very intense force, pulling you to him and making you feel desperate and crazy to get him back, you really are stronger than this force, and you really can take your life back.
You can also turn the whole relationship around so that the dynamic shifts, and you become the one calling the shots and feeling grounded and powerful, like you did in the beginning.
If you think back on it now, really think, you might see how this man fell in love with a fantasy of who you were and not with you. It was as if you had the right pieces that made you a good fit for his idea of the perfect woman, but he hadn’t seen all of your pieces yet to really know the woman you are.
The truth is that no woman is good enough for a guy who comes on too strong in the beginning. That guy isn’t interested in dating a real human — he’s interested in keeping his fantasy woman alive in his head.
As long as he can say that a woman isn’t fitting the mold, he can stay unavailable and not have to experience intimacy.
3. Figure out why you bought his "act" in the first place.
It's easy to want to believe a man’s professions of love and desire. What woman doesn’t want that kind of attention?
However, there’s still a deeper reason you were so easily persuaded — you were hungry, starved and ravished for emotional connection and a better sense of self.
When you don’t feel good about your life and you don’t know how to get back to feeling better, you need so badly for a man to tell you the words that will give you life-force. This sets you up to fall for emotionally unavailable guys who come on strong and then vanish.
4. Build yourself up.
Most women have a weaker sense of self — it’s part of our biology. We're designed this way to help us connect with our mates and our children so that we can procreate and stick around to raise our kids. We tend to get our sense of self from the man in our lives.
But genetics don’t have to keep us stuck in the well when he disappears. In fact, it’s been proven that we can rewire our brains so that we can have different attachment styles so we feel secure with or without a man. It’s called neuroplasticity.
5. Stop chasing in general.
It's time to stop working to be near him and start letting him come closer to you.
A profound change has occurred in your relationship — you were once being pursued and showered with attention, and now, you are the one doing the work.
You went from being the sun (which doesn’t move) to being the earth (circling around him). In order for you to take back your power, you need to get back to being the sun.
To do this, you first have to stop acting like the earth — you have to stop “moving.” You have to fight your need to go toward him — call him, text him, invite him places, start conversations about the relationship, ask him what’s wrong all the time — all the behavior that signifies that you are trying to be closer to him, physically and emotionally.
When you “move” in the relationship, you lose your power. He becomes the one who sits back, doing minimal effort to keep the relationship intact. As a woman, you feel good in a relationship when you're being given to, but men feel good when they provide to women they love.
When he's the center of the relationship, it makes him bored. It makes him feel worthless as a man.
6. Inspire him to work for your love.
Right now, you carry the masculine energy, and he has the feminine energy. This dynamic leaves you both dissatisfied.
To get back to being the feminine energy and him back in his masculine energy, you have to stop moving and start receiving!
A goddess is a master at receiving a man’s attention and affection — she knows how to allow a man to touch her; she feels comfortable with letting a man buy her expensive gifts and shower her with acts of thoughtfulness.
Goddess energy is welcoming and inviting; it makes him feel like you’re at home with him and that you can be yourself with him. A goddess knows, in her bones, that she deserves the things she receives from a man, and she easily expresses her gratitude and appreciation for his gifts.
Try this: take a deep breath, and look around you. What do you see? A table? A countertop? A tree? A computer screen? Look at all the things around you, breathe deep, and allow yourself to be grateful for their presence in your life.
Say, aloud: “Thank you, countertop, for always being there for me to cook food upon you.” “Thank you, computer, for giving me a window into the world outside these doors." Speak from a place of centeredness — where you are the sun and these objects are revolving around you.
You may feel really silly doing this exercise, but you’ll also feel more grounded. You’ll feel more like a queen.
7. Let your soul keep you grounded.
To stop yourself from “moving,” you have to face your fears of rejection and abandonment. You have to cut the tie that binds you to your man in the unhealthy way — in the way that keeps you reliant on him for self-worth.
The tree-energy exercise is where you grab nourishment from the earth to self-soothe and feel emotionally "fed." It's a good way to feel grounded and cut the unhealthy tie to him.
You can also grab nourishment from "soul wants."
When you feel a need to reach for him in any way — call him, talk with him about his attitude — instead, take a deep breath, slow down your thinking and go inward. Ask yourself this question: “What does my soul really desire right now?”
It can be anything that takes you away from the problem — that cuts the tie. Therefore, it can’t be about him.
"Soul wants" really help because they keep you still when you break away from yourself for a moment. When the urge to be near him comes on, a fear is provoked so deep in you, and you break away from your spirit.
8. Understand that mant men suffer from self-esteem issues.
Once you stop moving in your relationship, and you begin receiving instead, your man will either come closer to you or break away from you. This is not in your control to fix.
Men can suffer from self-esteem issues, too. Just like how some women can’t receive because they don’t feel deserving, some men can’t give because they don’t feel capable. (This is not is your power to fix).
Some men, though, will respond very well to this shift. A good man, the man you should want to be with, will come closer.
Your new vibe will give him the room to come toward you and be the masculine presence in the relationship. It will make him work hard to make you happy and feel your appreciation. He will feel very safe around you because you are grounded and sure of yourself.
Whatever happens with the man, you should try living this way in your relationships. It will help you heal the part of you that feels so lost without a man’s love and protect you from a man’s erratic behavior.
Kristina Marchant is a relationship and dating coach who helps women gain confidence.