The 4 Most Damaging Types Of Lies People Tell In Relationship
No exceptions here.
Just Life / Shutterstock We're all familiar with little white lies. And, if we're honest, we've all told some.
In fact, research reveals that, on average, people lie to their spouses (or significant others) three times per week — but never make the mistake of thinking that all types of lies are created equal.
Sometimes twisting the truth is necessary for a relationship — like when you’re trying to spare your partner’s feelings, avoid embarrassing them, or attempt to prevent a dumb argument over something super (and genuinely) trivial.
But there are other types of lies that are far more sinister.
Even when spilling the truth feels scary, here are four types of lies you should never tell — because not keeping it real on these points kills otherwise great relationships:
1. Lying about cheating
The most common lies couples tell revolve around affairs. (No surprise there.) However, lying on top of cheating just makes everything so much worse.
Sure, you feel the need to protect your partner (which really means protecting yourself). Not to mention the worry that spilling the truth could unravel your marriage.
But by being dishonest, you’re doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. And doesn’t your spouse deserve better?
The good news is that infidelity is not always a marriage deal-breaker. In fact, studies show that relationships have a greater chance of surviving when the cheating spouse owns up to it.
So, bite the bullet, come clean, and get some counseling to resolve the issues that led you to stray. Then get to work rebuilding trust and intimacy with your significant other.
2. Lying about your feelings
Nice try. Everyone knows that when a woman says, "I'm fine," it's a big fat lie. More than likely you're tired, pissed, stressed, anxious, depressed, or all of the above.
But suppressing your feelings isn't going to help, and lying about your feelings is problematic for your relationship.
Hearing this phrase is particularly frustrating to men because they don’t have a crystal ball stashed in their sock drawer. In other words, when you don't speak up, men feel like giving up — and that could lead to an unnecessary argument.
Trust me, your man wants to know what's upsetting you. And he wants to do everything in his power to fix it (that's how they're programmed). So, be honest and tell him how you feel — even if you don't really feel like talking about it and all you crave is a big hug.
3. Lying about sex
According to research, a whopping 80 percent of women fake orgasm during vaginal intercourse. Seriously.
I'm not claiming that sex has to always be off-the-hook-amazing all the time, but lying about a lack of fulfillment between the sheets is mind-boggling. Simply because, if you don't admit that something (or everything) your husband is doing isn't working, how will he ever figure out what does?
I understand your reluctance to speak up for fear of crushing your man’s ego, but trust me, he derives pleasure from your pleasure.
The best approach here is to find a sexy way to communicate your desires. If he does something that rocks your world, let him know, and that move is sure to become part of his sexual repertoire.
And as for sub-par moves, that just don't turn you on? Try whispering, “Can we try something different?" Or gently guide his hand or mouth elsewhere, and let him know he's driving you crazy with desire.
4. Lying about money
Those pricey designer pumps you claimed you snagged for half price ... the secret bank account he doesn't know about ... the personal credit card balance you hide from him.
According to a survey conducted by the National Endowment for Financial Education, one in three adults who have combined their money in a relationship fib about finances.
Bad idea, since financial infidelity can wreak havoc on your marriage. In one poll, 67 percent of couples said that financial deception led to arguments, while 42 percent said it caused less trust in the relationship.
Even worse, multiple studies have confirmed that bickering over bucks is the top predictor of divorce — regardless of a couple's income, debt, or net worth.
Deborah Price, the author of The Heart of Money, insists, "Most money problems aren't actually about money — they're symptoms, and the problems are truly about something else."
So, have an open and honest discussion about your finances to figure out what’s at the root of any money "evils" and find solutions you can both work with.
Then work as a team — even if it means getting financial counseling — to get back on track. Till debt do you part!
Coach Todd Reed, CPC, has expertise in communication and relationships. His book, Conversation is Sexy, offers tips, tools, and techniques for couples in committed relationships on how to discover/rediscover the joys of being in love.