7 Strange Things Being A Swinger Taught Me About Marriage — 'We Tested Our Marriage To The Breaking Point'
What being in the 'lifestyle' taught me about maintaining a healthy marriage.
bernardbodo | Canva My wife Dedra and I have been in the lifestyle for around 4 years. Before that, well, we were the typical monogamous happy couple. We followed the typical American dream blueprint. We were high school sweethearts who got married on our 10th anniversary (hey, what's the rush?), bought a house, and got a dog. We worked our 9-5 jobs and our lives were pretty typical.
Then it hit us. What were we doing with our lives? We took a risk and it paid off — we became swingers. Fast forward a few years and our marriage is stronger than ever. We've survived most of the drama you hear about in the lifestyle, and are a more fulfilled couple because of it.
We outed ourselves to family and friends, had some wild and crazy experiences, and tested our marriage to the breaking point. We not only survived, but we thrived because of some crucial take-home points.
Here are 7 strange things being a swinger taught me about marriage:
1. Open communication is vital
Not just within marriage, but with all relationships. Set aside time and don't avoid difficult topics. Talk about all potential problems and work towards resolutions.
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2. Never lie, no matter what the consequence
Honesty builds trust, and false information leads to fake marriages. Self-reflection is essential; know when you screwed up and own it. Revealing the truth can lead to mental and emotional freedom; dishonesty leads to cheating and trust issues, and tears couples apart. Trust is earned and should be rewarded.
3. Don't forget the importance of appreciation
The grass isn't greener on the other side, physically or emotionally. Fall in love all over again, and don't lose sight of the little things. Appreciate your partner, it could be the thing that saves your relationship, and studies show how necessary it is to keep a relationship happy.
Always have each other's best interests in mind. Be thankful for the opportunities the lifestyle provides, no matter how infrequent they may or may not be.
4. Put your spouse before yourself in all things
If they do the same you'll never be without. Take turns being selfish and know when to put yourself first and accept the opportunities and experiences afforded to you by the selflessness of your spouse. Strive to give more than you receive. Focus on producing and not consuming the greater joys in life.
5. Practice prioritization
The lifestyle can be addicting, so make sure your marriage, family, friends (vanilla), and careers don't get put on the back burner. Never stop dating your spouse. Research from the Institute for Family Studies shows that over 50% of married couples no longer go on dates.
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6. Don't get complacent with your appearance
The lifestyle is a friendly reminder that you should strive to maintain a fit and attractive inward and outward self. Embrace and enjoy the attention you and your spouse receive. Never settle or let yourself go.
7. All marriages require work, not just open ones
Swinging isn't an excuse to stop trying in your marriage. Swinging isn't a problem solver, especially with other people. Don't use swinging as a crutch. The lifestyle only amplifies what you already bring to the table. A rocky marriage will become rockier, and a steadfast marriage will become unbreakable.
Ben Hartman is a writer who writes about the topics of open marriage and the swinger lifestyle.