What It Really Means When Guys Call A Woman A 'MILF'

Being called a MILF (or not) was something I didn’t give a lot of thought until I began dating after my divorce.

I'd been a mother for nine years, so that took care of the "M" part of the acronym. And obviously, someone thought of me as a mother they'd love to f*ck, or becoming a mom to a second child would have been far more logistically complicated than it was, so there we get to add on the requisite "ILF." 

Yet even having fulfilled the two MILF job requirements I'd rarely heard the term used.

Then I divorced, became a single mom and dove into the pool of online dating.

I received this charming introductory message and had the resulting exchange with a handsome young man:

Handsome dude: “Are you referred to as a MILF very often?”

Me: “Only when I’m shooting porn.”

(Caveat: I was joking, people!)

Handsome dude: “Then they are casting you well.”

That was the end of that conversation, but far from the last time a man would call me a sexy MILF in his opening line. I had to wonder if these guys approaching me this way believed they were offering me a compliment — and I came to realize they did! Fascinating ...

I still remember the first time I heard that word.

I was in my mid-20s and my beautiful 50-something boss was telling me a story about how some men on a business trip she'd just returned from had referred to her as one. I was lost as to what the letters stood for, so she filled me in.

I thought I'd smelled a busload of rotten eggs. It just felt so ... yucky.

Aside from sounding like a description of the noise one makes when puking, the word seemed inherently soiled. 

But I've never thought of sex as dirty, so it bothered me that I just couldn't seem to get on board with the MILF calling card.

Do I have some subconscious guilt about my sexuality that I can't surface? I really don’t think so.

I decided to start paying closer attention to how others view this label. 

I heard women who dislike the MILF tag because they don’t want others seeing them as a sexual object. Strike that line of reasoning for me. I'm totally cool with it, as long as you also respect that I'm a hard-working, well-educated, intelligent professional who also tries to be a pretty decent mother and human.

I heard men who insist that bestowing the MILF-crown is a true compliment because MILF-dom is ageless. They explained that since men could consider women of any age to be a MILF (or not), a woman in her mid-30s or higher should feel flattered when he did.

And I heard women who agree with this thinking and relish being called a sexy MILF, choosing to own it as a sign of their continuing desirability.

As I was talking this all over with a friend one day, the answer finally hit me ...

And when it did I felt like shouting it out while running through the grounds of some hallowed university research center. No disrespect at all to Mr. Einstein, but I believed I'd reached my own personal Theory of Relativity.

This may come as a shocker to the men out there, but being considered f*ckable isn't all that hard when you're female.

The golden rule of being a cis heterosexual woman is pretty basic, and it goes a little something like this:

If you have a vagina and you'd like to have sexual intercourse with a man, you can. 

Honestly, it's just that simple.

I'm a cis hetero woman who does, indeed, possess a vagina, so I believe it's, therefore, pretty darn safe for me to assume that, yes, there are men I encounter from time to time who would like to f*ck me.

Why, exactly, should I be flattered when a man open a conversation by stating explicitly that not only does he want to f*ck me, but that he still wants to f*ck me even though I’m a mom?

Did I miss the day of Health class when we were taught that once a woman gives birth she becomes inherently less sexually appealing?

If so, how is it possible there are so many human beings on this planet with siblings? Because remember, we’re not talking about whether or not a man wants a relationship with a woman who has kids. We're talking only about whether or not a woman who has kids is someone a man would like to have sex with.

If you didn’t know me and you saw me on the street next to another woman of child-birthing age or higher, regardless of body shape, looks or wardrobe, do you think you could honestly determine from sight alone which of us was or was not a mother? I promise you, the answer is no. So why would it cross my mind that when a man finds out I have kids he may suddenly deem me less sexually attractive?

Once I understood why the word bugged me so much, I found myself feeling entirely comfortable being considered one —  or not.

It's pretty tough to offend me, and I do believe sex is best when considered in the spirit of fun and joy, so who cares what labeling games some man plays in his own mind while passing the time if he keeps his behavior appropriate?

In fact, I happen to love Fergie's clever turn of that phrase in her song, M.I.L.F.$.

Men call women titles like MILF or Cougar because, unconsciously, doing so gives them false comfort that, even with equality in the boardroom, we are theirs to have in the bedroom if they so choose.

As long as no one crosses any lines into the unacceptable territory of non-consent, I'm going to ignore their foolishness and focus on what I believe to be the far more critical factor at play — whether or not I want to f*ck him anyway.