Dear Husbands: 5 Unsexy Things You Do That Seriously Kill The Mood
If you want her to desire you ... NEVER do these things.
Sumit Kapoor / Pexels I have long considered physical intimacy between men and women as a very unfunny cosmic joke. Men get physical as a way to open up and emotionally connect to their partner. Women need to feel emotionally connected to their partners before opening up physically. I mean, who designed this system?
Bridging this gap in approaches is often very difficult and exhausting for even the most committed couples. Left on their own, couples can end up in destructive patterns and eventually succumb to the often devastating outcome that is a sexless marriage — each partner feeling turned off by the other.
But this lack of intimacy is not inevitable. When approached well, sex in marriage is usually more frequent and better than that of single people. Which means many married couples keep their sex lives hot!
How do those husbands do it? The secret to turning your wife on, gentlemen, is also knowing (and avoiding) what seriously turns her OFF. So, if you're doing any of these oh-so unattractive things — please stop!
The five things husbands do to kill the mood
1. Letting yourself go
While it's commonly accepted that men are the visual creatures, women also desire physical attractiveness in their partners. I don't think it's fair to expect anybody's body to remain unchanged throughout the years, but making an effort to maintain your appearance is a signal to your wife that she's worth making an effort for.
Unless bad breath, body odor, scratchy face, beer belly, and worn out, dumpy clothes are what she fell in love with, lose them now.
2. Randomly groping her body
While my husband assures me that men would love it if their wives spontaneously grabbed their junk, most women do NOT feel the same way. Being groped every time they walk by, as if "a butt" or "boobs" is all they are does not endear women to men (nor wives to their husbands). Neither does touching them only when you desire sex.
Instead, try offering physical affection with no strings attached. It actually increases intimacy when the time is right for married sex. And yes, women can tell the difference between the two.
3. Limited foreplay
I once heard a man say that foreplay should begin as soon as her last orgasm is over. He wasn't talking about physical foreplay, but emotional foreplay. Women and men feel desire differently. It's often hard for a woman to feel sexual desire when she is not feeling loved, acknowledged, and appreciated. Wherever a woman's mind is, her body is going to follow.
While, true, she also has a role in being open to intimacy, you can do a lot to help her get there. Spontaneously, willingly and consistently take something off her plate, like doing the dishes or making lunches. Doing so can make a huge difference in her desire for you. As does anything that brings a bit of ease to her world. Approaches like "Wooga, wooga baby, wanna get lucky?" — not so much!
4. Not learning what pleases her unique body
Just as all men aren't built the same, neither are women. What worked with a previous partner may not work (at all) with your wife. (This also applies to what's portrayed in adult fims, as well). In addition, her ever-changing hormones can make a huge difference in her interest and enjoyment of sex. True intimacy, and great sex, happen when you're both enjoying yourself.
This means really focusing on what arouses and satisfies her. That said, mechanically going through the "routine" each and every time, so you can get to your climax is neither generous nor emotionally fulfilling for her. It's also important to remember that she may need physical arousal before she can feel desire. I find this is true for many women, so expecting your wife to initiate intimacy can lead to frustration for the both of you.
5. Sulking when you don't get sex
Even if you're suffering in a truly sexless marriage, it's a huge (repeat: HUGE) turn off if you pout, get angry, or otherwise react badly when she turns your advances down. I know it's hurtful (and even embarrassing) but your partner always has the right to say "no" to sex. If it happens all the time, then it's a real problem that the two of you need to lovingly deal with ... together.
If it's only an occasional occurrence that she's "not in the mood", then making her feel bad will only breed resentment towards you. And nothing kills attraction like resentment. And, besides, do you really want her to have sex with you out of guilt? (If so, she's likely saying "no" with good reason.)
Sex is a wonderful part of a marriage, but it's only one part. There's a lot of information out there on how to improve your sex life. However, if there are problems outside of the bedroom, there will certainly be problems in it. This is especially true if women aren't feeling loved.
So, the most important thing you can do to make sure your wife feels turned on is making sure your marriage, outside the bedroom, is in a good place.
Lesli Doares is a therapist, coach and the founder of Foundations Coaching, a practical alternative for couples worldwide looking to improve their marriage without traditional therapy.