Dear Lady In The Steam Room: NOBODY Wants To See Your Vagina

Dear Lady in The Steam Room,

I want to first say that I appreciate a woman with body confidence, whatever her size and shape. Beautiful is beautiful and you do have really nice hair and skin tone. Still, I gotta tell you, there’s something to be said about leaving a little to the imagination.

I mean, I get that it’s 7:30 in the morning and you want to get your steam on, but laying naked-as-the-good-Lord-made-you across four of the six seats with three towels under you does not leave much mystery. This is especially true when your legs are straight up against the very wall that sits next to the glass door I have to open to get into the area. It makes for a display of your vagina (and a seventies approach to grooming) that I don’t want to see, well, ever.

I don’t think I’d even want to see Johnny Depp in that position, and I could not imagine any situation in which I would not want to see Johnny Depp naked until this very moment. I don’t know if you know the level of defeat I feel when I see that steam on the door each morning. I know there's a good chance you’ll be in there and I always have that drop in my chest and a moment of hesitation.

When I do finally get the courage to open the door and enter what I'm guessing you see as your private naked kingdom, I really don’t need you to open and shut the door with your left foot. I often wonder if you’re being helpful or showing your annoyance by hazing me, but either way, we both know what else you're showing me.

Speaking candidly, I don’t want to have flashbacks to my actual birth day every morning, if you know what I mean.

I know I don’t stay in there often and that seems to also annoy you because I open the door a second time, but I am trying to find a balance between my desire to have a little steam in my face with the pain of my eyes burning that comes with a 4-D OBGYN vagina experience. I have not quite reconciled that as of yet. This is why I often go in, give up, and just go hit the showers.

This used to work to get away from it all until you decided to make your routine synergistic with mine.

Perhaps it's because you feel bad that you've ruined my steaming experience that you now think you need to follow me into the shower area, but I'm good, I swear.

The truth is, I know you think your strangely erotic, long moans show appreciation for the hot water (at least that’s what I'm hoping they're showing appreciation for), but they make me a little uncomfortable. I have never heard sounds like that come from another woman (or a man). I'm so glad you’re getting yours (whatever that may be), but I just want to lather up with some Oil Of Olay and think about walking my dog and writing my blog without being reminded that I haven’t made out with anyone in a while. I do hope there is a way we can come to a compromise. I would like to have a serving of steam and shower without the side of sex. At least at the gym. 

This isn’t Chelsea, after all. 

Sincerely, Brenda