The #1 Thing Every Couple Needs For A Happy Marriage (No, It's Not Love)
Marriages are a commitment, but what does that mean?
travenian | Canva Marriage: The term by itself sends shivers down the spines of most macho men while giving almost any woman of any age, race, or religion, happy butterflies. The mere mention of the word "marriage" creates everything from confusion and dilemma to thoughts of bliss and security. Nonetheless, when love goes wrong, marriage can make the most unemotional man break down and cry. Likewise, an unfulfilling committed relationship can cause the most optimistic of women to feel hopeless, doubtful, and depressed.
This is why the key to a happy marriage means clarifying a shared personal purpose for your relationship, leading to greater happiness. And the marriage advice couples should follow? Clarity is crucial for any relationship to work. Because without a shared sense of direction, the most stable of relationships will fail. Now, you're probably asking yourself, "What can I do to avoid becoming a future divorce or unhappy marriage statistic?" Did you know statistics show that 50 percent of the most committed relationships fail within two years or less? And, here's the real kicker: when you add those who are legally married to that pool, the number goes up to around 55 percent.
You'd think that just stepping the game up by getting married would put the odds in your favor, but that's not the case. Reality check — just running down to the courthouse and purchasing a marriage license and a pricey ring, does not immunize your relationship from future failure. However, there are a few things you can do that will significantly increase your chances of a lasting, successful happily-ever-after. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. The saying, "People perish for a lack of knowledge," is far more than cliché; it's a fact. That's why having a shared view of how you both perceive the purpose of your marriage is so crucial. You must communicate, in detail, (and agree upon) exactly what commitment and marriage represent to you both, as a couple and individually.
This is the first step in positioning your relationship to successfully endure the attacks your bond will inevitably face. This includes but is not limited to, everything from setting boundaries about who can come to visit and how long they're allowed to stay, to deciding how to share and spend money. Heck, this even includes who does which chores around the house. The reason most relationships crash and burn is that couples are so infatuated with the idea of love, that they fail to look at the realities and responsibilities that come with managing it.
After all, you're talking about sharing your life and your entire being with another person. Probably a good idea to get on the same page with one another about what that means before you jump in blindly. In the past, people "jumped the broom" for reasons having little to do with love. But today, our economy, shifting gender roles, and human evolution in general create space for a new expectation of the role of marriage. This is no longer a feudal society. Things are different now, but what it takes to make a happy marriage work hasn't changed a bit.
Unlike your ancestors, you now know better (or at least you should). Though your instincts are urging you to avoid deep probing conversations, doing so may save you from future heartbreak. It's time to ask hard questions to ensure you and your partner agree to a shared purpose for your commitment to one another. Here are some questions to ask:
- How do you feel about opposite-gender friendships?
- What are deal breakers when it comes to opposite-gender friends?
- How often can my relatives come to visit?
- How do you feel about religion?
- Do you want children?
- What type of parenting style do you prefer?
- How often do you like to be intimate?
- What are your intimate preferences?
- What are your daily habits and routines?
- What are the roles that you feel/think are appropriate for a woman to play in a relationship?
- What are the roles that you feel/think are appropriate for men to play in a relationship?
- How much information about us can I share with my friends and family?
- What are your views on saving and spending?
- Which of my resources or possessions do you expect me to share with you?
- Which of your resources or possessions are you willing to share with me?
By asking those preemptive questions you will unearth things that you need to know about your partner. Yes, asking such questions may seem a bit awkward, but you can't afford not to know the answers. Foresight beats hindsight every time. To create a fulfilling, lasting relationship you must know what you're getting yourself into. You must cross your t's and dot your i's. Lastly, the most important thing is that the two of you keep touching and keep laughing. Couples who smile, laugh, and share new experiences, while making sincere efforts to communicate, effectively last.
Dr. D. Ivan Young, MCC, NBC-HWC, is a leading behavioral modification and relationship expert, TEDx speaker, certified Master Coach and Master Neuro-Linguistic Programmer, and credentialed Master MBTI Practitioner with a Ph.D. in Holistic Life Coaching. He has written about relationships and mental well-being for YourTango for nearly 10 years.