Marriage Counselor Reveals 4 Signs You Can Work Through An Affair (And 4 Signs You Can't)
Will marriage counseling help you? Only if you want to be helped.
Jacob Lund | Canva Imagine you are in a situation where you have found that your husband cheated on you. When you two first discussed this, he temporarily moved out of the house.
A few weeks go by and he says he would like you to go to marriage counseling. Your first reaction is "no way" because he still maintains a "friendship" with the other woman.
Should you follow your gut reaction or is there a possibility that marriage counseling could do some good? Here are a few arguments for and against going to marriage counseling after an affair.
Here are the 4 signs you can't work through an affair:
1. He still has contact with the woman he cheated with
What is his level of commitment to making the counseling and your marriage work?
As long as the continuing "friendship" is something that will get in the way of either of you being able to commit to working with a marriage therapist, then you will not be putting the energy and dedication into it that is needed to make it work.
In my practice, temporarily setting aside things like this that are barriers is an important part of the beginning of marriage counseling.
2. You don't believe cheaters can change
A common response to this type of situation is "Once a cheater, always a cheater." This is a message that has been ingrained in us throughout our society. If this is your belief, then you are likely to hold a certain degree of distrust during the rest of your marriage.
If you are not at least willing to set aside this future possibility or at least talk with the marriage therapist about how it may not happen, you are not likely to truly engage in trying to heal the present and prepare for a healthy future.
Anyone can change given the right circumstances, but it might be a little different for cheaters. Studies from the University of Denver show that cheaters are more likely to cheat again on future partners.
3. One or both of you are unwilling to change
Are you (or he) past the point of really wanting to reconcile? Are you done with him?
When a couple comes into my office and one of them says, "I'm here for three sessions and then I am going to go ahead and separate like I want to," then I ask them if there is anything that could go on that would change their mind during the next three sessions.
If they are set on how they will act, then marriage counseling does not stand a chance. For the therapy to work, each party has to at least leave open the possibility that it will work.
According to research by John Gottman, therapy only works if both partners are open to therapy and committed to the relationship.
4. You listen to what your friends say
Why not just talk about this with some of our friends? There are several good reasons why friends may not be the best people to help you.
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Some of your friends may have religious views that bias any sort of advice that they give you. Other friends may naturally favor one or the other of you. There is also the factor of whether you want your friends to know what is going on in your marriage.
If you do, you might have people you know who can at least help you and him work out whether marriage counseling may have a chance. You may speak to your faith group leader (minister, priest, rabbi) and have a few sessions with him or her.
Here are 4 signs you can work through an affair:
1. You accept his relationship with the other woman
Are there any reasons for this friendship to have to continue? Can it have appropriate boundaries placed on it?
If the other woman is a work colleague or there is something else that ties them together (such as a child they had together), having no contact with her might not be a feasible option.
Especially if there is a connection that will continue, you would want this to be able to continue in a friendly way, as long as that friendly way is appropriate and respectful of your marriage.
Being able to see and accept this on either side often needs the help of a marriage therapist.
2. You both have a different understanding of what cheating is
Did he understand that what he did was cheating? There are certain limits that everyone considers as cheating when they are crossed.
For some people, the limits are much earlier with other intimate acts, even kissing, or even just in terms of certain levels of intimacy in conversations.
Frequently, when I do premarital counseling, I find that the two people have different understandings of what constitutes "cheating." If this conversation has not been had, is it possible that he did not know he had crossed the line?
3. You are seeking closure, even if your marriage doesn't survive
Would it all be a waste if we still split? Even if your work with a marriage therapist does not result in your marriage continuing, there are possible benefits that can come from it.
The first is that it can help you to gain closure by having a better understanding of what went on and what led to the cheating.
While you may be blaming yourself for what took place, the marriage therapist should draw out his responsibility in it.
The work you do in marriage counseling will also benefit you personally and allow you to be a stronger and more confident person as you claim your new life and future.
4. The benefits of marriage counseling are more valuable than getting a divorce
Why would I want to pay the high price to go see a marriage therapist? Marriage counseling, like most healthcare, is not cheap. Your insurance may or may not cover it.
However, what you are paying for is someone who has advanced training (a Master's or doctoral degree) and experience providing just the type of assistance that you need.
Just as I could take my car to my uncle to tinker with, I am better off paying the high price for a decent mechanic to get the right help. If the marriage counseling results in your marriage staying together, the cost is less than attorney and court fees in getting a divorce.
Even if your marriage does come to an end, the work you did with a marriage therapist may make the divorce that follows easier, which will also save you money.
It may also help make things easier for others (such as the children you have with him) as principles around relationships with them may be easier to establish in marriage counseling than in lawyers' offices.
Regardless of whether your marriage continues or if it ends in divorce, there is hope available to you. Depending on where you are and whether you are willing to consider a continued relationship will determine whether or not marriage counseling is your right choice.
If you are looking for it to perform miracles and change your husband into a new man, then it is probably not going to get you what you want.
If you are simply avoiding it because of costs or because you will have to be honest with him about your feelings, then you might want to rethink and give marriage counseling a chance.
Rev. Christopher L. Smith, LCAC, LMHC, LMFT is an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church, as well as a licensed counselor with extensive experience as both a counselor and as a supervisor of counselors. He is President and Clinical Director of Seeking Shalom, a counseling service.