The Post-Divorce Advice That Will Save All Your Future Relationships
Your past relationship experiences are going to keep you stuck.
Listari | Itstarrr / Maria Letta | whitecat / Elnur | Canva / Pixland | Photo Images We all have stories we consistently tell — it could be the story about your childhood, your teenage years and how you were unpopular or popular, or relationships you had when you were younger and what went wrong.
It could also be the story of your divorce, your job, a failed business, the car, or the house that got away. We live our lives telling stories.
The problem with these stories is they're one-sided. The other story is being told by the people you affected — your ex-wife, and ex-husband — they're telling a story about you, and their version is different than yours.
Your boss tells stories about you — how you underachieved. Meanwhile, you're telling the story about how your boss never listens. Life always has at least two different versions. Our relationships also have two different versions. The key to having a great relationship is to have one version, to really hear and understand your partner.
Have you ever sat down with an ex and talked to them about how the relationship ended? Were they still stuck in their story and you're stuck in yours?
Here's a tip — when a relationship ends, there are two people driving that relationship. It's like a long road trip. You got a little tired behind the wheel, they took over and drove for a while ... and vice versa. When a long-term relationship ends, it ends because two people do not understand the dynamic.
Sure, I'm sure you probably have a neat and packaged little version. A lot of women will say, He left me. He didn't want to be with me and chose the victim route. A lot of men will take that same route too, saying, She left me. She found someone else. She didn't love me anymore. She didn't understand me.
The real story both of you should be writing is this: Nobody left anybody. Both parties are equally responsible. So, if a man leaves a family, it is because of the actions of both of you. You did not understand each other in that relationship.
Yet, so many people come to me with the victim story — you left four years ago; you didn't want "us" four years ago. You need to take responsibility for your side of the story. When you look at a past relationship, if you want to grow and not repeat the pattern in your next relationship, you need to take responsibility — for not showing up, and for not understanding your partner's love blueprint.
You need to realize there were things you could have done that would have prevented that person from walking out the door. Nobody just walks out the door because they're happy. Nobody walks out because they haven't tried. Nobody walks out because they don't love you anymore. They walk out because they can't take it anymore.
They can't take the dynamic the both of you created. It's rare when both people are walking out the door. One person usually needs to make the exit first, and one needs to acknowledge it. You're going to repeat the same mistakes with the next person if you don't take responsibility. Take responsibility for your past relationships ending.
Whatever complaints your ex might have had, you need to examine them. Accept your role in the demise of that relationship, or understand that the same unhealthy dynamic will repeat itself until you finally learn. We love our stories, but it's time you listen to your ex-partner's story too.
It's time you looked at yourself and said: You know what, I messed up. I was not nice, loving, warm, or tender enough to this human being. I didn't listen to them. I shut down emotionally. I did that. It was my fault, too.
A relationship is a long road trip and both of you drive that car. Look at your past relationships before they repeat themselves. Maybe you are stuck on your ex and want to get back together; but, you never will because you're stuck in your old stories.
It's time for you to take responsibility. Your future relationships will prosper from it.
David Wygant is a dating coach who spent the past 20 years helping men and women transform their love lives. As a lead writer for Ask Men and Huffington Post, his advice has been offered across television, newspapers, and magazines, including MTV, The New York Times, MSNBC, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, E! Entertainment Television, and more.