The Clever Body Language Fix That Instantly Makes You A '10'
Do you know what fixing your posture can do for your life?
Sydney Moore | Unsplash Each year, hundreds of women seeking advice on how to get a boyfriend send me pictures of their favorite date outfits and their online dating profiles, hoping I can help them be more attractive to men. While your hairstyle, makeup, and clothing certainly deserve a thorough assessment, you mustn't overlook another important "X factor" that's a major key to your entire presentation of yourself but doesn't always show up in a photo: your body language and the non-verbal communication you send with your posture.
If you don't believe that how you stand and carry yourself is a critical component of your overall appeal, think again. While most potential dates won't consciously evaluate your body language, how you communicate via your body is crucial. Perhaps nowhere is this more important than in their unconscious assessment of whether or not you have good posture. It's not a detail they're likely to comment on or discuss, but it colors how they and others perceive you. Are you a potential partner or "just a friend"?
Your posture signals how you expect others to treat you, and has an impact on your workplace relationships, family relationships, and romance. Don't believe me? Let's look to an expert in what men find attractive in women: a man! Andrew Aitken, author of The Rules Revisited, offers his male perspective on the topic that few other guys would ever acknowledge. At a bar one night, Andrew ran into a female friend he typically rates “between a 7 and a 10.” (Of course, physical appearance and attractiveness aren't fixed and permanent, but something we can affect through our style, body language, and expression.)
This woman was hunched over, obviously tired, and he viewed her as less attractive as a result. He playfully encouraged her to stand up straight, and was taken aback by the result: "But here is perhaps the most interesting and telling part: when this girl corrected her posture, I felt a distinct pang of intimidation. It surprised and dismayed me because I was sure until that moment that I had this girl wrapped around my finger. Suddenly the roles were decidedly reversed."
If you're willing to invest time and effort in your clothing, makeup, and hair, wouldn't it be wise to learn how to improve your posture so you can rock those looks to their full potential? Unfortunately, trying to "straighten up" doesn't always help when it comes to using effective body language and non-verbal communication to get a guy to like you. Here's the irony: what most of us have learned about proper posture is dead wrong. That's why we so often fail to maintain good posture in our everyday lives. I get tense just hearing commands like, "Stick your chest out! or "Chin up!" — never mind snapping into position. There's nothing graceful or feminine about a rigid, stick-straight back.
And, according to experts in the field of posture and bodywork, a healthy spine is supple and maintains its natural curves — not one that's perfectly "straight" at all times. After the birth of my first child, I could tell that my spine was out of whack. I didn't know why, exactly, but I had difficulty standing for long periods. Even though I was back at my normal weight, I just didn't look right in my work clothes — everything hung differently.
A friend who worked for Vogue suggested that I visit an amazing massage therapist named Michael Bulger, a Structural Integration Practitioner the magazine had recently featured. I agreed to try 10 sessions with him. Two months later — at a cost of roughly $2,000 — my posture was realigned and I felt pain-free. The structural manipulation was highly beneficial and I'm eternally grateful to Mike. Perhaps the most helpful tip he shared with me somewhere in our first session was a breakthrough concept I needed to incorporate into my day-to-day life.
Mike told me that during all activities — whether sitting, standing, or walking — I should lead with my pelvis. He truly meant "lead with your core" — which includes the abdominal region as well — but for beginners, the pelvic area is easier to identify. That's it, the key to improving your posture, and, in turn, to being more attractive, is leading with your core. If you watch runway models strut down the catwalk, you'll see this principle in action.
Leading with the pelvis does cause your chest to pop out a little because of that lovely c-curve in your spine, but it's quite different than consciously trying to thrust your breasts forward in a forced way or yanking your shoulders down and back, which can be both painful and difficult to maintain. Of course, models walking a runway are amplifying and exaggerating each movement for effect; it's theater. That's not exactly how you're going to parade around the office. But if you've been having trouble keeping your shoulders released and back or sitting up straight or lifting your chin, shifting your focus southward may help.
Consciously working to fix your posture can have a deep impact on every area of your life. If you are feeling stuck in your career, your relationships, or with your family, I encourage you to watch the TED Talk given by social psychologist Amy Cuddy. She talks about how "power posing" can affect how your brain functions and, ultimately, your chances for satisfying employment, interpersonal relationships, and success in general. Her research on body language reveals that we can change other people’s perceptions, as well as our body chemistry, by simply changing body positions.
When it comes to dating, making yourself more physically attractive, and hopefully getting a boyfriend, being more conscious of your body language and posture can help (but no pretzel poses, please). Finally, if you're looking for a fun and pleasurable way to improve your posture, yoga is both inexpensive and effective. Foundational poses like Cobra Pose and sequences like Sun Salutations are a wonderful way to wring out the tension and help build up that core. Don't worry about doing them perfectly. These flows are about lengthening and strengthening your muscles and doing them should feel good. And if you look just a little bit hotter in those Lululemon leggings, what's not to like?
Robyn Wahlgast is a highly experienced Certified Dating and Relationship Coach with a career spanning several decades, she has dedicated her life to helping women navigate the complex world of dating and relationships.